Currently, DINS is getting interest from the press and is surely the topic of many conversations between friends. When we have a sexual problem, we gratefully grab any explanation of what might be the cause of our distress, and discovering a whole group of others experiencing the same problem minimizes our sense of isolation. Unfortunately, when subjected to empirical research, we find that DINS is a myth. Those who forever struggle to balance work, family, and recreation include pretty much everyone! Moreover, statistics reveal that career oriented women are actually having sex more frequently than most. Therefore, we cannot blame our jobs, or our time-management skills, if our sex lives have become unsatisfying. Still, a significant (15-20%) part of the population is dissatisfied with the frequency with which they have sex, and that IS a problem.

The question to ask is not “How frequently do you have sex?” but “Is the frequency of sex a problem for you?” People possess great diversity in levels of desire. For some, sex once a month is perfect while for others once a day feels right. In a perfect world, how often would you have sex? How does this compare with your real life?

Most of us remember fondly the early stage of our relationships when sex was compelling, exciting, and constant. We couldn’t keep our hands (or our minds) off each other. We thought we would always behave like this. But of course familiarity, which breeds love, also dilutes passion. Daily living impinges on our passionate agendas, and we find ourselves watching TV or shopping when once we would have ignored everything else in order to be in bed together. Hopefully, this blissful stage gets a good run, but regardless, we eventually shift our lovemaking rhythms to accommodate our responsibilities and other interests.

Most times, couples settle into a rhythm that suits them both well and, although our sexual patterns may change over time (childbirth or breastfeeding, illness or medications, etc.) the flow stays fairly constant.

Sometimes, however, a change in the frequency of sexual contact can signal trouble in our relationship. Power struggles often surface in the bedroom. Did the change in your sexual tempo occur abruptly? Do you fight about it? Fighting is actually a good sign, for it means that at least one of you wants change. We know that couples who routinely have little sex argue about it less because they have gotten used to the pattern and may well be stuck. Sex generates sexual desire, and visa versa. Arguing also signifies that you are at least somewhat comfortable speaking about sex, and communication is essential to finding resolution.

Some pro-active measures you can take to assess the seriousness of the problem include:

- establish weekly date nights (click to read about Mate Dates)

- add variety in the form of costumes, role-playing, new toys or positions

- reintroduce sexual interest with erotic books or films

- focus on sensuality, not just intercourse, in your lovemaking

If these methods fail to correct the problem, consider getting some professional sex therapy that can help to define and examine the problem. A sex therapist offers a safe and confidential place, away from where you live, where you can assess your strengths and vulnerabilities, gain new insights and perspectives, explore your options, and reset your sexual patterns. As with most problems, learning how to resolve a sexual issue now gives you skills and tools you can use in the future to avoid a misunderstanding becoming a deal-breaker (or a heart-breaker).

© 2004. Pega Ren, Ed.D. All Rights Reserved.