Whether we call it orientation,
sexual preference (which assumes we have choice),
or perversion (which assumes we have judgments), the
topic of whom we love can cause great emotional turmoil.
The following is a distillation of a common question.
Dear Dr Ren,
I am a 16-year-old male. Recently another boy in my
class hugged me and told me that I am really a girl.
I knew that was stupid, but I still became confused,
tense, and depressed. Now I am not feeling excited
thinking about women the way I did before this incident.
Honestly, I liked it when he hugged me, but I certainly
don’t feel like I’m a girl. I am really
anxious about all of this. Please tell me, Doctor….
Am I gay?
Confused
Dear Confused,
I can’t tell you whether or not you are gay.
I don’t have enough information, and neither
do you. You are only sixteen and, though some of us
are aware of our orientation earlier than that, most
find it takes us a while in the dating scene to determine
the sorts of people that attract us. This refers not
only to their gender (male or female) but to their
personalities, physical characteristics, and other
qualities and attributes we can’t know until
we get to know someone a bit.
Of course it felt good to have your friend hug you.
His remark about your being a girl was his confusion
that if he liked hugging you, you must be feminine
(so he wouldn’t feel gay himself….we learn
to fear alternative sexualities before we learn the
facts). This is just his ignorance, and he will figure
this out as he gets more experience. You may sometimes
feel drawn to women and other times to men. Adolescence
is a time for learning all sorts of things about yourself,
including your sexual orientation. You may be gay;
you may not. It doesn’t really matter. What
does matter is that you learn to treat others with
compassion, patience, and respect. This will help
you to form meaningful, happy bonds with whomever
you choose to love. The physical plumbing, when all’s
said and done, is really pretty irrelevant.
Relax and enjoy this exciting transition period as
you grow from child into adult. The answers you are
seeking will come to you. Moreover, whatever answers
you learn about yourself, they’ll be just right
for you.
Sincerely,
Dr Ren
© 2004. Pega Ren, Ed.D. All
Rights Reserved.
