BANISHING BEDROOM BOREDOM
by Dr. Pega Ren

When we meet someone new and are all fired up with anticipation and trepidation, it is easy to make sex rapturous. In the early stages of courtship, we spend long, languorous hours in bed, fascinated with our new lover and the magic we are making. Sex is a priority and a thrill.

Fast forward a few years. At this point we either can’t remember his/her name (or wish we couldn’t) or are still waking up next to each other. If our relationship has survived the limerence stage and we’ve established a long-term relationship, chances are we wistfully remember that initial period but are no longer experiencing it. Sex moves to the back burner, overshadowed by daily commitments and responsibilities. Sometimes in the choice between sex and sleep (an easy vote in the early days), sex loses. How could sex have become boring?

Sexual boredom has many faces, and none of them smiles. Though we enjoy the consistency of our long-term relationship, predictable sex robs us of the opportunity for erotic exploration and removes the titillation of anticipation and longing. We need to shake things up. I understand it can be intimidating to introduce a sex toy, for instance, if we have never used one before. How do we slip even an innocuous toy like the Fukuoku into foreplay gracefully? Baby steps.

We can start with exchanging full body massages eroticized with warm oils. When that goes over well is a good time to suggest further exploration. Surely we can banish fear about taking a risk with our most intimate friend.

Look at a sex store website together and each choose one item for yourself and one for the other. Then talk about the choices you’ve made. Voila! Sexual communication! Make it fun…it will banish sexual boredom.

Another passion killer is a consequence of knowing each other’s bodies so well that we become efficient at moving from a ‘come hither’ glance to orgasm in ‘quickie’ time. Quickies can be great fun, but a steady diet of them is not. Unlike efficient sex, hot sex demands time and attention. Target sex, a close relative of efficient sex, develops when each partner does the absolute minimum to get the job done. When we just want to get it over, we are merely sexual robots. Women often describe this as feeling like a receptacle; men must feel similarly. Target sex impresses neither side. It is very different from what sex can be if we refuse to get lazy.

Speaking of lazy….it does us all good to remember how it used to take us three hours to prepare for a sexual date. It’s a long slide to simply turning over! When we are in the throes of lust, we overlook little flaws in our beloved, choosing to be amused rather than annoyed by (an excellent perspective to maintain!). Years later, softened by time and familiarity, it does a relationship good when we keep ourselves in the best physical shape possible and doll ourselves up for a night of romance.

Regardless of how we get lazy, the cure is rekindling the erotic sizzle of days past. Plan an evening of languid bathing one week and don stockings and a garter belt for a night of dancing the next. Hint for guys: send your honey a bouquet of flowers with a hotel room key attached or invite her to a sexually based seminar …kissing, perhaps? Be creative.

The big cost of sexual boredom is the loss of the mutual connection that new sex inspires and long-term sex manifests. If we find that sex lacks deep emotion, admiration, and appreciation, it is time to take stock. Sexual excitement can be easily reignited by changing behaviours and attitudes, given the fertile soil of love and commitment. If your relationship is solid and you are just stalled, get to it!