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Practical Aspects of Female Ejaculation

Female ejaculation or g-spot orgasms are delicious additions to our lovemaking, but they do pose some practical problems. Once you have learned how to release fluid from the g-spot, you will no doubt face the issue of housekeeping. What do you do about all this fluid getting all over you, your lover, and your bedding? For many women, placing a towel under their bottoms is little help as they release more liquid than a towel can absorb. Rather than fretting about this or avoiding the magnificent experience of a g-spot orgasm because of the messiness involved, I offer a practical solution.

Before sex, institute a ‘ritual’ of making the bed that includes laying down large sheets of flannel-backed rubber sheeting covered by soft flannel sheets.

The sheeting can be found in some (you’ll have to search, and when you find this stuff, buy lots!) fabric stores by the yard/metre. It’s sold for cribs or invalids’ beds as mattress protection. It actually doesn’t cost that much as it lasts forever. You can wash and dry it over and over again. It is generally sold in 45″ widths. Buy enough to cover the width of your mattress. It’s a good idea to mark the date with an indelible marker in the corner when you first use each sheet so you can keep track of how they wear and when to replace them.

As to the flannel sheets, they are more absorbent than cotton ones and tend to feel nicer on the skin. If you cut each one in half longitudinally, each piece will lie across the bed and tuck in to anchor the rubber sheeting well. You needn’t ‘make’ the whole bed and it enables the layers to strip off in no time.

When you make the bed, use as many layers as you think you’ll need. If you cum three times, make four layers so you’re still left with one just for the messiness of whatever sex you have following the explosive ejaculations and the cuddling thereafter and so nobody has to sleep in the wet spot. Interrupt your lovemaking as the surface becomes wet and you have a new, fresh layer to play on. It takes but a moment, and you’ll find that you and your lover will be winking across the bed as you peel back the layer, congratulating yourselves on the fine time you just had.

Having a system such as this takes the ‘eeeuww’ factor out of the scene becoming uncomfortably wet and brings the erotic elements back into your play.

While this addresses the discomfort of the wetness in your bed, consider too planning what you are eating and drinking prior to your lovemaking. Foods containing oxalic acid like spinach, chives, and beet greens can make body fluids in both men and women smell quite strong, as can asparagus and broccoli. Hard alcohol and coffee can sour our taste and smell as well. Avoid these before your dates and/or drink extra water to dilute their effect.

So there you are. These tips should allow you to enjoy fully your experience of ejaculation with not a care in the world.

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Sex Addiction… Or Something Else

Bright, reasonable people with successful careers and happy families can lose everything to the greedy mistress that is addiction. What begins as an occasion enhancer—a drink, a pill, a snort—soon becomes necessary to enjoy a social event at all. Eventually the drug of choice requires no excuse. When we try to stop or cut back, our body screams its objections and we realize we now need the drug simply for maintenance. We are addicted.

When we apply this template to sexual behaviour that is out of control, we can see that it does not fit. Though we may consider the thrill of seduction a high, we do not suffer physiological withdrawal without it. If confined to a room with our hands tied behind our backs, we do not sweat and vomit, suffer DTs, or experience hallucinations until we can enjoy the relief of an orgasm once again. The addiction model requires a physiological component that “sex addiction” lacks. Let’s examine this from another angle.

If given free access to sexual expression, we each determine our body’s comfortable rhythm, which may be once a day, once a week, or once a month. There is no right or wrong answer to this question. We run into trouble, however, when someone else—anyone else—tries to impose their values on our appetites, preferences and desires. Such imposition results in either suppression and resentment or rebellion and resentment.

Take for instance the social expectation that, once married, a man should desist from looking at and appreciating any other woman than his wife.

(Although I am directing this article at men, I assure you this issue is not gender-based. Women are not immune from the effects of guilt and shame surrounding their sexuality and often act out in the form of indiscriminate sexual behaviour. It is no more or less damaging for their lives than for their male counterparts, though they may be able to fly under the radar a bit longer. Everything I say in this article applies to all people.)

Talk show hosts and many psychologists will label attendance at strip clubs, viewing porn, or ogling pretty girls as equivalent to cheating, and wives will echo the philosophy. After years of furtive peeking and punishment when ‘caught,’ men learn to suppress their desire. Sex in the marriage becomes stale and routine. They may sometimes plug in to some images on the Internet if guaranteed an uninterrupted interval, but the thrill is dampened by the guilt.

Some men, however, rebel at this expectation of extramarital psychological chastity. Many know well that they can lust grandly without cheating, and they rebel. Sometimes this takes the form of living fractured lives. They love their wives and make happy families, but refuse to be erotically hamstrung. With no acceptable avenues to express their other desires, they get a thrill from exercising their lust in what they believe are private places and moments. They tell themselves that if no one knows about it, no one gets hurt.

These men need other women to reassure them that they are still sexually alive and desirable. They need to know that marriage has not sealed them off from sexual adventure and allure. They need the stimulation, the arousal, the chase. Sadly, it is always coloured by guilt, which dulls the reward and demands ever more stimulation.

You can see how a ravenous cycle can develop. The more guilt a person feels, the more reinforcement he needs that he is desirable. The conquest quiets the anxiety, yet somehow is never enough to offset the guilt. The cycle becomes consuming. Balancing life at home with a secret life elsewhere brings a sense of power and risk that is heady and intoxicating, but eventually exhausting.

Nevertheless, this is not an addiction. It is poor judgment and weak impulse control. It is a reaction to feeling guilty about feeling sexy. That is the problem, and that is where the solution needs to start.

Psychologists untrained in sex therapy often promote an abstinence model for sexual addiction. They will tell you that if you can eliminate desire and arousal, you can manage your sexual behaviour. How sad that eradication of desire would be anyone’s goal!

Sex therapy takes an entirely different approach to troublesome sexual behaviour. It begins by assuming that desire is, well, desirable, and that the goal is reasonable and healthy management of behaviour.

Sex therapists examine and debunk the taboos associated with sexuality. Each client is encouraged to determine his own sexual identity as it works best in his life. We explore options for how best to incorporate healthy, loving sexuality into their meaningful relationship(s). We analyze self-esteem issues to see what part they play in this self-destructive dance and choose better tools for finding solace and affirmation.

This may sound like a long and painful process, but most of the clients I see who present with “sexual addiction” find that taking personal responsibility for the causes of their poor impulse control and unhealthy relationship with sex brings them relief from their distress in remarkably short order. An offshoot of this restored personal control is a new appreciation for their primary relationship and a subsequent improvement on that front.

It is true that some are not interested in looking within themselves and taking control of their behaviour. This is generally evident in the initial session. Some people like the idea of having an addiction; they like having something external that excuses their behaviour. For these folks, there are sexual addiction programs.

However, if you balk at the notion of extinguishing your desire and arousal, if you know in your heart that you control your behaviour, if you would like to make peace with your lust as well as your relationships, please consider therapy with someone trained specifically in sexuality.

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Sensate Focus

Sensate focus, developed about fifty years ago by the grandparents of modern sex therapy, Masters and Johnson, is a frequently-used technique for people who feel disconnected from their sexuality. It can also enable change in the sexual interactions of couples.

The concept is pretty basic: the focus is taken off intercourse and orgasm and placed on tactile pleasure and non-verbal communication. The technique is simple, too. Set aside an hour or two in which to create an environment of safety, privacy, and sensuality and set the scene.

Visit a grocery store that has ethnic foods. There you can find coconut oil in the Indian, West Indian, and sometimes Asian sections, and you’ll find it to be surprisingly inexpensive. Coconut oil has a number of selling points: it is fragrant, greaseless, and usually tasteless, washes out of fabric with hot water and soap, is light enough to slip easily over the skin, and (drum roll, please) melts at body temperature. What this means is that even if you forget to pre-warm it (a minute in the microwave or tucked cozily in a cup on a coffee warmer by the bed), a rub between the hands brings out its fragrant, slick liquid.

After the grocery, head to the dollar store to find sponges, woven bath mitts (scratchy jute or nubbly synthetic), pumice stones, luxurious washcloths, back scratchers, soft net body scrubbers, scented body washes, loofahs….you get the drift. Try to view everything with an eye toward texture and aim for variety. Different folks like different textures, and individuals like different textures at various times and at disparate sites on the body.

Once home again, choose music and lighting (everyone looks great in candlelight) to suit the mood. Light some incense or heat a bowl of potpourri. Adjust the temperature for comfort. Bathing can make a delightful prelude. Add bubbles if you like them, or oil, or Epsom salts. Bathe your lover as slowly and thoughtfully as you can, paying special attention to the feeling of skin beneath your hand. Note the nuances of skin texture, body hair, curves and hollows. Luxuriate in the feelings. Perhaps you can shampoo your partners hair. Do you remember the scene from Out of Africa where Robert Redford washes Meryl Streep’s hair? Aim for something just as unhurried and indulgent. If you can, warm the towels and robe and wrap your lover following the bath.

Move to the bedroom. After sensuously drying your lover, lay them (I’ll use the plural pronoun here to avoid the confusing and cumbersome s/he) on the bed, which you may have shrouded with a flannel sheet for easy cleanup, and may even have been pre-warmed with a heating pad or electric blanket. The softness of the flannel and the warmth guarantee relaxation. Gather up more texture toys to be used during a massage. Try fur, feathers, brushes, velvet and burlap cloths, chopsticks or wooden spoons with which to ‘drum’ on your lover’s skin.

As you become accustomed to thinking in erotic and sensual terms, you will notice items in the oddest and most mundane of places that you’ll add to your cache of toys. Dribble the warm oil on your lover’s back and move it around. You needn’t be sparing with this oil for the skin drinks it in happily and you’re aiming for slippery. Anoint their whole body, paying special attention to how their skin feels to your hands. Resist talking. Notice which touches evoke purring or flinching and adjust your touch accordingly. Imagine how your touch feels to the receiving skin. Enjoy the feelings. Don’t rush; in fact, try to prolong the session to squeeze out every moment of sensation and pleasure.

When the back side is done, flip your by-now malleable and relaxed partner and do the same thing on this side. Do not avoid, nor concentrate on, the genitals. Signs of arousal may become evident. If it feels good (to both of you), caress the penis or vulva for awhile, but climax and orgasm are definitely not the goals of this process. Pay as much attention to the toes and the hollows in the throat, and every other inch of skin. This exercise is about sensuousness and pleasure. It is a generous and appreciated gift that enhances intimacy, trust, and the bond between lovers.

Imagine your hands are journeying over new terrain, and your intention is to learn this geography perfectly. Squeeze, scratch, blow, touch so lightly you can feel the tiny hairs between your skin and your lover’s. Use your texture toys all over their body. Try different strokes and intensities. Experiment and explore. Cherish this intimate experience.
When you are done, gently leave your lover’s side and blow out the candles, deal with the music, and readjust the room temperature for sleeping. Slip into bed behind your partner and wrap your body around theirs. It’s called spooning, because you want to lie together like two spoons stacked in a drawer. Listen and feel your lover’s breathing and adjust yours to match. Words are unnecessary. Soon you will both drift into a carefree sleep together, comforted by closeness and contentment.

With any luck, and perhaps a bit of negotiation, tomorrow night will be your turn to be on the receiving end of sensate focus. It’s a lovely way to spend time together and increases the feelings of intimacy as only skin contact and relaxed trust can do. Enjoy this exercise this Valentine’s Day….and on many days to follow.

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Banish Bedroom Boredom

When we meet someone new and are all fired up with anticipation and trepidation, it is easy to make sex rapturous. In the early stages of courtship, we spend long, languorous hours in bed, fascinated with our new lover and the magic we are making. Sex is a priority and a thrill. And you have to know how to spice up your night.

Fast forward a few years. At this point we either can’t remember his/her name (or wish we couldn’t) or are still waking up next to each other. If our relationship has survived the limerence stage and we’ve established a long-term relationship, chances are we wistfully remember that initial period but are no longer experiencing it. Sex moves to the back burner, overshadowed by daily commitments and responsibilities. Sometimes in the choice between sex and sleep (an easy vote in the early days), sex loses. How could sex have become boring?

Sexual boredom has many faces, and none of them smiles. Though we enjoy the consistency of our long-term relationship, predictable sex robs us of the opportunity for erotic exploration and removes the titillation of anticipation and longing. We need to shake things up. I understand it can be intimidating to introduce a sex toy, for instance, if we have never used one before. How do we slip even an innocuous toy like the Fukuoku into foreplay gracefully? Baby steps.

We can start with exchanging full body massages eroticized with warm oils. When that goes over well is a good time to suggest further exploration. Surely we can banish fear about taking a risk with our most intimate friend.

Look at a sex store website together and each choose one item for yourself and one for the other. Then talk about the choices you’ve made. Voila! Sexual communication! Make it fun…it will banish sexual boredom.

Another passion killer is a consequence of knowing each other’s bodies so well that we become efficient at moving from a ‘come hither’ glance to orgasm in ‘quickie’ time. Quickies can be great fun, but a steady diet of them is not. Unlike efficient sex, hot sex demands time and attention. Target sex, a close relative of efficient sex, develops when each partner does the absolute minimum to get the job done. When we just want to get it over, we are merely sexual robots. Women often describe this as feeling like a receptacle; men must feel similarly. Target sex impresses neither side. It is very different from what sex can be if we refuse to get lazy.

Speaking of lazy….it does us all good to remember how it used to take us three hours to prepare for a sexual date. It’s a long slide to simply turning over! When we are in the throes of lust, we overlook little flaws in our beloved, choosing to be amused rather than annoyed by (an excellent perspective to maintain!). Years later, softened by time and familiarity, it does a relationship good when we keep ourselves in the best physical shape possible and doll ourselves up for a night of romance.

Regardless of how we get lazy, the cure is rekindling the erotic sizzle of days past. Plan an evening of languid bathing one week and don stockings and a garter belt for a night of dancing the next. Hint for guys: send your honey a bouquet of flowers with a hotel room key attached or invite her to a sexually based seminar …kissing, perhaps? Be creative.

The big cost of sexual boredom is the loss of the mutual connection that new sex inspires and long-term sex manifests. If we find that sex lacks deep emotion, admiration, and appreciation, it is time to take stock. Sexual excitement can be easily reignited by changing behaviours and attitudes, given the fertile soil of love and commitment. If your relationship is solid and you are just stalled, get to it!

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Take it Outside

Though many of my columns elicit feedback, the ones that generate the most discussion involve practical suggestions about how to improve sex in some way. With summer weather soon to depart, this column addresses an offer that Mother Nature makes every year and which most of us ignore. I’m talking about enjoying sex outside during these warm summer evenings, or perhaps in the shade of a tree while picnicking in the heat of the day.

This topic came up during several of my clinical sessions recently, when couples sought ideas to spice up their flagging sex lives. Though I almost always suggest regularly scheduled Date Nights, the opportunity to take sex outside seems a delicious treat when the weather permits, and adds the tantalizing risk of being discovered. Now some don’t find the idea of being watched erotic at all, and if you’re in that group, you can surely structure your outdoor tryst in a way to defy discovery; in fact, you can make the search for an undetectable spot part of the fun! But those of you who find the possibility of discovery a turn-on can use that edge to heighten the pleasure of your stolen tryst.

What about offending someone? I am reminded of a story told originally by Dr Stella Resnick, fellow sexologist and author of The Pleasure Zone, about an incident that took place in an elevator. She and her lover were visiting a new city and found themselves riding an elevator to the gazillionth floor of a skyscraper. Alone in the car, Stella began to fondle her partner, both of them vigilant and wondering if and when the doors would open. Eventually that happened, and they quickly composed themselves while stifling their giggles. The woman who entered the car exited before their stop, and before the doors closed again, she turned to them smiling, wagged her finger, and good-naturedly scolded, “Naughty, naughty.” Stella and her lover dissolved in laughter and got right back to the mutual pleasure they’d begun floors before.

The point of this story is that most of us believe deep down that the power of sex is threatening. We believe we will be punished if we are caught. Some of us have sad stories about that happening. But when we ask people about their fantasies, watching sex – or being watched while having sex – ranks high on the list. Granted, few of us wish to offend anyone, and caution can be taken to guard against this, but many adults tell stories of overhearing or witnessing others engaged in lovemaking, and recall those memories as erotic. As adults, we can appreciate the special nature of sex.

If you like living on the edge, grab your sunscreen (sunburned nipples are painful!), a blanket, and your Honey and head for the great outdoors. You’ll be surprised how many beautiful, secluded spots you can find when you’re looking for opportunities to couple au naturel. And those adventures will remain as special memories to be savoured as you snuggle by the fire months from now, locked in by cold weather.

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DINS (Double Income/No Sex): Myth or Menace

Currently, DINS is getting interest from the press and is surely the topic of many conversations between friends. When we have a sexual problem, we gratefully grab any explanation of what might be the cause of our distress, and discovering a whole group of others experiencing the same problem minimizes our sense of isolation.

Unfortunately, when subjected to empirical research, we find that DINS is a myth. Those who forever struggle to balance work, family, and recreation include pretty much everyone! Moreover, statistics reveal that career oriented women are actually having sex more frequently than most. Therefore, we cannot blame our jobs, or our time-management skills, if our sex lives have become unsatisfying. Still, a significant (15-20%) part of the population is dissatisfied with the frequency with which they have sex, and that IS a problem.

The question to ask is not “How frequently do you have sex?” but “Is the frequency of sex a problem for you?” People possess great diversity in levels of desire. For some, sex once a month is perfect while for others once a day feels right. In a perfect world, how often would you have sex? How does this compare with your real life?

Most of us remember fondly the early stage of our relationships when sex was compelling, exciting, and constant. We couldn’t keep our hands (or our minds) off each other. We thought we would always behave like this. But of course familiarity, which breeds love, also dilutes passion. Daily living impinges on our passionate agendas, and we find ourselves watching TV or shopping when once we would have ignored everything else in order to be in bed together. Hopefully, this blissful stage gets a good run, but regardless, we eventually shift our lovemaking rhythms to accommodate our responsibilities and other interests.

Most times, couples settle into a rhythm that suits them both well and, although our sexual patterns may change over time (childbirth or breastfeeding, illness or medications, etc.) the flow stays fairly constant.

Sometimes, however, a change in the frequency of sexual contact can signal trouble in our relationship. Power struggles often surface in the bedroom. Did the change in your sexual tempo occur abruptly? Do you fight about it? Fighting is actually a good sign, for it means that at least one of you wants change. We know that couples who routinely have little sex argue about it less because they have gotten used to the pattern and may well be stuck. Sex generates sexual desire, and visa versa. Arguing also signifies that you are at least somewhat comfortable speaking about sex, and communication is essential to finding resolution.

Some pro-active measures you can take to assess the seriousness of the problem include:

– establish weekly date nights (read about Mate Dates)

– add variety in the form of costumes, role-playing, new toys or positions

– reintroduce sexual interest with erotic books or films

– focus on sensuality, not just intercourse, in your lovemaking

If these methods fail to correct the problem, consider getting some professional sex therapy that can help to define and examine the problem. A sex therapist offers a safe and confidential place, away from where you live, where you can assess your strengths and vulnerabilities, gain new insights and perspectives, explore your options, and reset your sexual patterns. As with most problems, learning how to resolve a sexual issue now gives you skills and tools you can use in the future to avoid a misunderstanding becoming a deal-breaker (or a heart-breaker).

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Some Enchanted Evening: Planning a Night of Romance

If you are out of touch with your lover’s body, or with your own, this enchanted evening may initially feel embarrassing and awkward. Just accept that this will be so for most of us, and push through it. The rewards are worth it.

Some Enchanted Evening
Some Enchanted Evening

Here’s the plan:

1) Decide your roles:

One person is the do-er tonight; the other the do-ee. Next time you switch.

2) Set the stage:

Begin by designing an environment in which intimacy can thrive. Remove distractions (phones, pagers, kids, TVs) and set aside a few hours to luxuriate in each other. Choose your mood music, light candles and incense, turn up the thermostat so the room stays comfortably warm. Heat some coconut oil (greaseless, stainless, inexpensive, and slippery) or massage oil and cover the bed with flannel-backed rubber sheeting (available where baby supplies are sold) or an extra sheet so you needn’t fret about housekeeping. Look around. Have you created sensual surroundings?

3) The Bath:

Gather your supplies together. You’ll find a plethora of treats at the dollar store and the drug store. Collect sponges, pumice stones, soft net scrubbers, brushes, soft (and scratchy) cloths….anything that imparts a tactile sensation to the skin. Don’t forget scented bath bombs, oils, and bubble baths. Collect the bath towels and your lover’s robe and pop them into the dryer to heat.

Begin by bringing your lover into the bathroom, where all is prepared, and tell them how happy you are to be indulging them (and yourself) in this sensuous experience.S-l-o-w-l-y undress the do-ee, appreciating each newly revealed bit of skin. Bury your nose in neck hollows, trace the line from chin to navel, cup the buttocks, stroke shins… Resist conversation—just coo.

Now help your lover into the tub and bathe them caressingly, paying attention to each body part. Be responsive to feedback, and try different sensations and toys as you move along. Think ‘romantic’ (watch the shampoo scene from Out of Africa for inspiration). Move slowly. Observe how you feel.

When you’re done (you’ll know), leave your mate to shower off while you fetch the towels and robe, hopefully toasty warm from the dryer. (This also affords your partner some private time to attend to any erotic needs that may interfere with the sensual nature of the evening. Orgasm is not on the menu, so suggest that this can be accomplished now if desired.) Enfold your swooning lover in the warm cloth and lead them to the already-prepared bedroom.

4) Massage:

You are now ready for the massage portion of the evening. Settle your lover on the bed and anoint them with the warm oil. Feel your own skin slide over theirs and revel in the communication between your bodies. Memorize the geography of this body before you, reading by Braille the nuances of folds and hollows. Surrender to the sensuality of it all. Do all body parts. Do not skip…or concentrate…anyplace specific. Attend to genitals as well as elbows, and accept erections as a natural reaction to such sensual pleasure. You may tarry at these delightful junctures, but remember that orgasm is not the point. Keep your caresses gentle and tactile.

When the first side’s done, roll your partner over and do the other one. By this time expect them to be a jelly-like mass of low moans and satisfied smiles. Make sure they are comfortable while you disassemble the room—extinguish candles, close the music, lower the thermostat, and undress yourself. Roll the extra sheeting off the bed and climb in behind your lover, like spoons nesting in a drawer.

5) Breathing:

Place one hand on their chest and match your breathing to theirs. This ‘mirrored breathing’ is one of the most simple and intimate of gestures. Give yourself over to the sensations of togetherness and mutual comfort and drift off to sleep together.

That’s it, folks. With these simple steps you can create an atmosphere in which resentment, hostility, and worry cannot flourish. It is enormously healing for estranged but loving pairs. Give it a try whenever you feel the need for a dose of pampering and intimate connection.

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Duty Sex

I recently attended a professional coaching seminar offered by Tracy Heyland. One of Tracy’s main points was that when our values are in conflict with our goals, we procrastinate. She illustrated how we can reframe our experiences to shape the way we feel about circumstances, and I, of course, began applying the principles to the topic of sex.

The dialogue went something like this: one participant spoke about how she seemed unable to finish her doctoral thesis, despite the fact that she had finished her Master’s and other degrees without incident. She said that each time she approached the successful completion of the work, she stalled. The speaker asked her about her core values, which were independence, generosity, and free will, and their opposites – obligation, insincerity and duty.

Further questioning led to the discovery that the woman felt that earning her PhD would commit her to a demanding position in which more people relied on her (probably true).

Tracy asked her to consider how she could use her value of generosity to overcome her resistance, which led to this: that even though others may impose their expectations, she derived great pleasure from her profession and was indeed personally hampered by her lack of credentials.

The issue was not with others’ expectations but with her reluctance to respond to those expectations – to act out of duty. She realized she need not sacrifice the joy she experienced in her work to avoid meeting the needs of others.

So what does this have to do with sex?

Many couples complain that sex has become duty, and has lost its joy. Women particularly chafe at duty sex, and men wither with performance anxiety, so both miss out on their own potential enjoyment.

What can we do to change this pattern?

The answer is simple: if we can view the potential for our own pleasure as rewarding regardless of the expectations of others, we can free ourselves to give generously and freely.

This does not apply if someone callously and selfishly demands sex, but if the problem rests with artless initiation skills and/or poor communication patterns (as is often the case), this fresh perspective can change the routine. Why do we withhold gifts when the recipient is eager? Are we demanding appreciation rather than revelling in the delight of simple giving? And really, how often have we half-heartedly attended some requisite function only to experience a fine time? Might we be able to enjoy ourselves regardless of the other person’s motivations?

I think we sometimes get lost in the routines of coupledom. Boredom or fatigue can suddenly seem malevolent. What I am suggesting is that we can free ourselves from the self-fulfilling prophecy of sub-standard sex by changing the way we approach the problem. The joy of giving is one way to reframe duty sex, but it may not work for those who are frustrated and angry at their partners. Duty sex can also be experienced as a naughty quickie – for some, a more enticing prospect. Whatever method of reframing works, use it. The important thing is to avoid losing touch with ourselves and our patners. Stop demanding that everything be perfect to venture forth sexually. Independence, generosity, and free will are worthy values regardless of the context.

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Madness in the Message

This column is in reaction to my viewing of the Canadian release of Love, Sex, and Eating the Bones.
I was excited about seeing this production, billed as “A guy addicted to porn discovers that love is stronger than fantasy.” Surely it would deliver some hot sex scenes, and I was curious about how the writer/director David Sutherland would address each of these elements (addiction, pornography, love, and fantasy).
The film was visually stunning. Vibrant colours danced with physically beautiful actors. Early scenes of our protagonist in his local video (porn) shop resonate with believable neighbourhood familiarity. When the hero and heroine meet, their chemistry is unmistakeable. Though this new acquaintance looks quite different from the lead’s favourite porn star (who infuses the movie with humour and seduction), he happily adds her to his ‘hot’ list. As their courtship hints at sex, she informs him that she is celibate.
His reaction? A ‘talk’ with his celluloid sweetheart and an inability to achieve an erection when his real-life date lifts the ban. This didn’t surprise me. The get-away-closer message would have been sufficient to wilt the most ardent lover, but the movie interprets his response as his failure to transfer his arousal from masturbation with his fantasy princess to intercourse with his date. Our leading lady is righteously horrified to learn her seemingly ‘normal’ new boyfriend enjoys (echk) porno films, to the point where she calls him names when she discovers that, during a (finally!) successful sexual encounter, he is watching a video over her shoulder. She gives him an ultimatum: it’s her (the porn actress) or me.
Now our hero faces a real dilemma. Without his learned erotic response to viewing porn, he cannot meet his girlfriend’s requirement for him to perform with her on demand. He is able to satisfy her with oral sex in what was probably the most erotic and beautiful scene in the entire movie; nevertheless she insists that only coitus counts as sex and if he can’t deliver the goods on her terms and without his erotic triggers, she will leave him for the lousy lover she labels him to be. The protagonist eventually banishes his on-screen lover by sublimating his erotic attentions to his far-more-highbrow artistic expression of photography and the relationship is saved.
Aside from the main message, I liked this film.
But, oh, what a message. Remember that this was billed as a study in addiction to porn. Addiction? If the protagonist golfed twice a week, would golf be an addiction? Only if we believe that watching people make love/have sex/fuck is bad does such watchful measuring make any sense. The truth is almost all men masturbate, and almost all of them use visual fantasies to fuel their arousal. That’s how the system works. It isn’t bad…it’s the basis of our sexuality.
(By the way, most women masturbate, too, although their relationship with visual fantasy often differs from men’s. Women tend to fantasize romantic and emotional stimulation more intensely than they do visual cues. Perhaps it is because women don’t understand this difference that they distrust it. We’re often down on what we’re not up on.)
In this movie, masturbation is a distant second to partnered sex, with intercourse at the top of the heap in the sexual activity hierarchy. Though the most moving and sensual scene in the film involved our uptight heroine enjoying cunnilingus, she was clear that she wouldn’t be happy until her lover could deliver real sex. It’s this sort of thinking that devastates marriages when a husband undergoes nerve-damaging prostate surgery and believes that, because he no longer achieves erection, that sex between the couple is over. We need to learn that intercourse is but one item on a vast menu of possibilities, all of them fun.
We need to take masturbation off the deadbeat list. It is a lie that masturbation hurts us. Masturbation keeps our genito-urinary system in top running order throughout our lives. It teaches us to be good lovers. It feels consistently good. It is not masturbation but shame that hurts us.
Porn, too, gets an undeservedly bum rap. Some of us like viewing others being sexual; some don’t. It’s really a matter of (personal) taste what gets our mojo going, isn’t it?
Being sex positive means being expansive, embracing all that we can learn and do and be. If we view sex as a positive force in our lives, then we would logically promote incentives to arousal.
The title of the film, Sex, Love, and Eating the Bones, comes from a reference to sucking the marrow out of the bones, the richest and rarest part of the meal. How I wish the story had lived up to this hopeful notion inviting us to suck every morsel of joy from life, to find delight in the smallest wonder, and to indulge our human pleasures graciously and generously.

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How To “Do” a Threesome

S0 you’re wondering how to do a threesome? Sex research tells us that the most prevalent sexual fantasy among heterosexual males is a threesome with two women. Fortunately, many women share this flight of the imagination. If you are lucky enough to find yourself in a position where this dream might be actualized,, regardless your orientation, you are probably wondering how to make it a positive experience. It is certainly a question I am frequently asked as a sex therapist.

There are a few basic guidelines for establishing a successful encounter. The first, of course, revolves around clear and honest sexual communication. Each couple must review and renegotiate their sexual exclusivity (or inclusivity) contract. Have you always had an open relationship? Has that been successful and gratifying…or not? If you’ve heretofore been monogamous, why do you now want to alter the arrangement? Are you both desirous of including others in your lives sexually? Is one of you doing this only to please the other? How do you make other important decisions in your relationship? Is your bond strong enough to risk the emotional backlash that may occur? You must take the time to explore these questions and agree upon the answers before bringing another person into your bed.

Once this renegotiation process is complete, and you have agreed that you are both desiring a sexual encounter with another person, you need to decide how you choose that lucky someone. Then you must renegotiate all over again with him or her. Because of our culture’s pervasive homophobia regarding men being sexual with other men, this article will assume that the third person will be a woman. It is important to determine what each party expects and wants from the encounter. You must all be on the same page, or you are inviting disaster.

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How to Do a Threesome

Let us suppose that these steps are accomplished and you’ve made a date to meet to have sex together. How do you go about ensuring that all three people have a good time? This brings us to the etiquette of threesomes. The basic rules are as follows:

– Person A and Person B discuss how they can best pleasure Person C. They set about to be a team of two dedicated to making sure that Person C’s needs are met and that her emotions are safeguarded.

– Simultaneously, Person B and Person C get together to form their own team, planning how to give Person A the best possible time.

– And Person A and Person C also collaborate to guarantee Person B’s enjoyment of the activities.

What this system strives toward is everyone’s feeling connected, integral, and pleasured. It virtually eliminates jealousy because all parties concerned are meeting another’s needs in conjunction with someone else, while having both other people concentrating on them. With two folks responsible for, and responsive to, one other, everyone wins.

This is of course a distillation of the process. We do not move from zero to 60 quickly, at least not the first few times. Sex, intimacy, and trust get all mixed up together, and we’ve not even mentioned interpersonal tensions and personal apprehensions. Then, too, there are issues of body image, performance anxiety, and feelings of potential inadequacy.

So if you’re hoping to turn this common fantasy into a reality, plan well and plan well in advance. Be specific about how you hope your evening will progress and set up for success. Threesomes are memorable occurrences, and those privileged to share such encounters successfully recognize a bond that leaves a glow long after the actual sex has faded. Be careful, be fearless, be open-hearted, and be brave. The rewards can be enormous!