CHILDREN AND TOUCH
By Dr. Pega Ren

Sex education is part of my job as a sexologist. There is always more to learn about sex and sexuality, and I am happy to share what I know with you. In turn, the questions you send in, and those asked by my private practice clients, keep me always searching for better and more current information. It also teaches me what issues are on people’s minds.

One recent question triggered the topic of children and touch. Speaking with parents of pre-school-aged children, the issue of ‘inappropriate touching’ came up. Who decides what’s appropriate? How do they decide? What information do they use in making those decisions? Why is it such a big issue?

One parent told the story of an incident with a daycare provider that left her confused and troubled. It seems the day care provider had told the parent that her four-year-old had been punished with a lengthy time-out for touching another toddler’s bottom, a kind of butt grab. One issue of the parent’s concern was the lengthy time-out (parenting experts and parents alike agree that any more than one minute’s time out for each year of age is ineffective and punitive), but even more troubling was the reason for the isolation. The boy had touched someone else’s tush. It was not done in anger nor was it aggressive or violent. Simply a grab, probably motivated by childhood curiosity and the innocent thrill of touching a ‘private part’. The daycare provider was appalled, the parent bewildered. Wasn’t this common childhood behaviour? Was this the beginning of her son’s career as a pervert? What course should she take?

Many child abuse prevention manuals stress what I call ‘the blue zones.’ These are blue-coloured areas on the cookie cutter illustrations of boys’ and girls’ bodies that others are not to touch. They include the areas where a one- (for boys) or two-piece (girls) bathing suit would cover, plus the top of the head. (You may wonder about that last bit. In many religions the soul is pulled to Heaven by the hair on one’s head, thus the scalp is protected because of its importance. In cultures that do not embrace that belief, routinely tousle children’s hair without their consent or comfort. As adults, only lovers and caretakers have such liberties!

The problem with stressing the blue zones is that the message about uncomfortable and unwanted touching of our own bodies by other people is often interpreted as any touching of our bodies must be avoided. The body parts get blamed, rather than sexual aggressor’s behaviour.

And that’s the problem with small children being exiled and shamed for touching another’s bottom. Children are curious about lots of things, and sex, especially the anatomy of sex at that age, is no exception. We don’t punish tots for touching another’s elbow, or foot, or even belly, but the blue zones are off limits, usually with no explanation about why that is so. How can we grow up with healthy appreciation for our bodies with such lessons as children?

As parents, we must all decide what lessons we want to teach to our children, which lessons we’d rather have someone else teach them (driving comes to mind), and those over which we have little or no control. If we do our best to offer our children accurate sexual information and respectful relationship ethics, we can lessen the effects of negative messages they will get outside our home. When we catch our children playing doctor, the appropriate response is to shut the door while apologizing for barging in, then gathering books with anatomically correct information (appropriate to the ages of the kids) for sharing. A visit to a bookstore to choose children’s sexuality education books can be great fun. This is clearly an open window of opportunity. We can now continue (or begin) a lifelong habit of communicating with our children about sex and, believe me, if kids and parents can talk easily about sex, they can talk about anything!

We need to decide, as parents, what our attitudes are about bodies. Are we comfortable with nudity? Do we enjoy being touched and touching others? What is our opinion of visually stimulating material, whether we call that erotica, pornography, commercials, sex scenes, intimacy, or whatever? Are we comfortable talking about sex? Do we wish to communicate our values (sexual or otherwise) to our children? If so, we must 1) know what they are, and 2) be willing and able to communicate them honestly, accurately, and continuously.

Once we have decided what our own values are, we can begin to share this knowledge with our kids. We can assure them that we are all curious about how other people's bodies look and certainly were as children ourselves. We can explain consentuality to them (yes, I know that's a big order, but even little ones know how it feels to be ordered to kiss people they would rather not, and understand the difference between that and a welcomed caress), and teach them how to assess the receptivity of others. We can ask them what they want to know, and answer their questions honestly (or admit we don't know the answers ourselves but will find them. Then do so). Most importantly, we can assure them that curiosity is part of the process of growing up and of learning, and that we are proud of them for trying to figure out this complicated process of communication skills and value judgments.

Still, there’s the issue of non-consent. If I don’t want my backside (or nose or knee) touched, I shouldn’t have to have it touched. I don’t think anyone would argue with that. But it’s important to keep the issues separate. Day care providers and parents, etc. need to watch children’s interactions to ensure that power remains equally apportioned. When bullying behaviour begins, it should be firmly and swiftly addressed. But the innocent curiosity of children around bodies (theirs, others, ours) needs to be taken out of the punishable category. Perhaps a reminder about privacy and tact are all that is needed. By keeping these two issues separate and distinct, we teach two valuable lessons. The first is acceptance of ourselves and our bodies, the second is respect and tolerance of other people’s boundaries. Neither is complete without the other, while both working together promote harmony, good will, and an insatiable appetite for knowledge. Hard to go wrong with that combination.

© 2002. Pega Ren, Ed.D. All Rights Reserved.