DATING
POST-DIVORCE
By Dr. Pega Ren
- Originally published on
DrKoop.com
When we are newly single
(again, sigh), the thought of re-entering the world
of dating may seem daunting at best. Still, most of
us couple again, and this is accomplished by experimenting
with new suitors until we find a compatible ‘fit’.
What do we need to know to be able to put closure to
our past relationship(s) and learn skills to establish
healthy new ones? We need clear communication, sex-positive
attitudes, and a solid understanding of courtship patterns.
What are the prerequisites for assimilating those skills?
The first is grief resolution,
for with the acceptance of closure of the old relationship
comes a more honest perspective about its structure,
providing clearer insight into the dynamics of its formation,
maintenance and, finally, dissolution. This information
protects us from recreating an unrewarding dyad. Also,
grief can immobilize us and contribute to a negative
self definition. Grieving can prolong the caring support
of friends and forestall attempts to make new social
contacts. We need to be sensitive to the point at which
our grief has done its job and we are ready to move
on.
Another prerequisite is a
healthy self esteem, without which the grief-stricken
believe we are deserving of our pain. Until we feel
entitled to happiness, it remains elusive. A positive
outlook (and in-look) takes time and work, and is well
worth the effort.
It is also necessary to address
cultural norms and deeply held societal beliefs. Although
many know and understand that monogamous, till-death-do-us-part
marriage can be a myth and a snare, we are handicapped
by the expectation that everyone must have someone,
and that being single is less and married
more. This belief is often unconscious. Considering
alternative relationship styles (like dating) helps
us decide what is most appropriate for us personally
at any given time, in any given situation. Dating is
more than just practice for the ‘real thing’;
it is valuable in its own right.
A positive body image is
necessary as well. A society which reveres beauty yet
abhors vanity can immobilize us, as we cannot respond
to such a conundrum. Even supermodels worry about their
appearance. When we
understand that no one measures up, we can
let go of our overbearing standards. As we learn to
accept ourselves and our personal presentation, we receive
support for our efforts. This in turn helps to alleviate
the depression inherent in separation.
We also require knowledge.
Forming new relationships requires that we consider
the role of sexuality in our lives. Accurate and non-judgmental
sex education levels the gender-defined playing field.
It is frightening to consider the world of dating with
the specter of AIDS and other sexually-transmitted infections
augmenting society’s sex-negative messages. Bruised
by the pain of separation and ‘rusty’ regarding
social and sexual skills, it is rare for us to emerge
from couple-hood without appropriate trepidation about
re-entering ‘the market’. We must find current,
accurate information about safe sex, so that when a
sexual opportunity presents itself, we can be informed
about if and how we want to respond, our decisions based
on personal satisfaction and responsibility rather than
on fear.
Once we feel confident that
we have put to rest our old relationships, processed
our grief, and updated our social and sexual knowledge
bases, it’s time to start thinking about the possibility
of dating. Of course this will feel risky - everything
new does. But opportunity rides on risk, and so long
as we pay attention to our innermost feelings and keep
focused on our goal of inviting new chances to interact
with others, we can trust that we will take care of
ourselves. In fact, dating can be marvelous fun. And
the longer we date, as with anything else, the better
we get at it.
© 2001. Pega Ren, Ed.D.
All Rights Reserved.
