SOME ENCHANTED EVENING: PLANNING A NIGHT OF ROMANCE

by Dr. Pega Ren

If you are out of touch with your lover’s body, or with your own, this experience may well feel embarrassing and awkward. Just accept that this will be so for most of us, and push through it. The rewards are worth it.

Here’s the plan:

1) Decide your roles:

One person is the do-er tonight; the other the do-ee. Next time you switch.

2) Set the stage:

Begin by designing an environment in which intimacy can thrive. Remove distractions (phones, pagers, kids, TVs) and set aside a few hours to luxuriate in each other. Choose your mood music, light candles and incense, turn up the thermostat so the room stays comfortably warm. Heat some cocoanut oil (greaseless, stainless, inexpensive, and slippery) or massage oil and cover the bed with flannel-backed rubber sheeting (available where baby supplies are sold) or an extra sheet so you needn’t fret about housekeeping. Look around. Have you created sensual surroundings?

3) The Bath:

Gather your supplies together. You’ll find a plethora of treats at the dollar store and the drug store. Collect sponges, pumice stones, soft net scrubbers, brushes, soft (and scratchy) cloths….anything that imparts a tactile sensation to the skin. Don’t forget scented bath bombs, oils, and bubble baths. Collect the bath towels and your lover’s robe and pop them into the dryer to heat.

Begin by bringing your lover into the bathroom, where all is prepared, and tell them how happy you are to be indulging them (and yourself) in this sensuous experience.S-l-o-w-l-y undress the do-ee, appreciating each newly revealed bit of skin. Bury your nose in neck hollows, trace the line from chin to navel, cup the buttocks, stroke shins… Resist conversation—just coo.

Now help your lover into the tub and bathe them caressingly, paying attention to each body part. Be responsive to feedback, and try different sensations and toys as you move along. Think ‘romantic’ (watch the shampoo scene from Out of Africa for inspiration). Move slowly. Observe how you feel.

When you’re done (you’ll know), leave your mate to shower off while you fetch the towels and robe. Enfold your swooning lover in the warm cloth and lead them to the already-prepared bedroom.

4) Massage:

You are now ready for the massage portion of the evening. Settle your lover on the bed and anoint them with the warm oil. Feel your own skin slide over theirs and revel in the communication between your bodies. Memorize the geography of this body before you, reading by Braille the nuances of folds and hollows. Surrender to the sensuality of it all. Do all body parts. Do not skip…or concentrate…anyplace specific. Attend to genitals as well as elbows, and accept erections as a natural reaction to such intense pleasure. You may tarry at these delightful junctures, but remember that orgasm is not the point. Keep your caresses gentle and tactile.

When the first side’s done, roll your partner over and do the other one. By this time expect them to be a jelly-like mass of low moans and satisfied smiles. Make sure they are comfortable while you disassemble the room—extinguish candles, close the music, lower the thermostat, and undress yourself. Roll the extra sheeting off the bed and climb in behind your lover, like spoons nesting in a drawer. Place one hand on their chest and match your breathing to theirs. This ‘mirrored breathing’ is one of the most simple and intimate of gestures. Give yourself over to the sensations of togetherness and mutual comfort and drift off to sleep together.

That’s it, folks. With these simple steps you can create an atmosphere in which resentment, hostility, and worry cannot flourish. It is enormously healing for estranged but loving pairs. Give it a try this Valentine’s Day, and whenever you feel the need for a dose of pampering and intimate connection.

© 2004. Pega Ren, Ed.D. All Rights Reserved.