HOW TO "DO" A THREESOME
by Dr. Pega Ren

Sex research tells us that the most prevalent sexual fantasy among heterosexual males is a threesome with two women. Fortunately, many women share this flight of the imagination. If you are lucky enough to find yourself in a position where this dream might be actualized, you are probably wondering how to make it a positive experience. It is certainly a question I am frequently asked as a sex therapist.

There are a few basic guidelines for establishing a successful encounter. The first, of course, revolves around clear and honest sexual communication. Each couple must review and renegotiate their sexual exclusivity (or inclusivity) contract. Have you always had an open relationship? Has that been successful and gratifying…or not? If you’ve heretofore been monogamous, why do you now want to alter the arrangement? Are you both desirous of including others in your lives sexually? Is one of you doing this only to please the other? How do you make other important decisions in your relationship? Is your bond strong enough to risk the emotional backlash that may occur? You must take the time to explore these questions and agree upon the answers before bringing another person into your bed.

Once this renegotiation process is complete, and you have agreed that you are both desiring a sexual encounter with another person, you need to decide how you choose that lucky someone. Then you must renegotiate all over again with him or her. Because of our culture’s pervasive homophobia regarding men being sexual with other men, this article will assume that the third person will be a woman. It is important to determine what each party expects and wants from the encounter. You must all be on the same page, or you are inviting disaster.

Let us suppose that these steps are accomplished and you’ve made a date to meet to have sex together. How do you go about ensuring that all three people have a good time? This brings us to the etiquette of threesomes. The basic rules are as follows:

- Person A and Person B discuss how they can best pleasure Person C. They set about to be a team of two dedicated to making sure that Person C’s needs are met and that her emotions are safeguarded.

- Simultaneously, Person B and Person C get together to form their own team, planning how to give Person A the best possible time.

- And Person A and Person C also collaborate to guarantee Person B’s enjoyment of the activities.

What this system strives toward is everyone’s feeling connected, integral, and pleasured. It virtually eliminates jealousy because all parties concerned are meeting another’s needs in conjunction with someone else, while having both other people concentrating on them. With two folks responsible for, and responsive to, one other, everyone wins.

This is of course a distillation of the process. We do not move from zero to 60 quickly, at least not the first few times. Sex, intimacy, and trust get all mixed up together, and we’ve not even mentioned interpersonal tensions and personal apprehensions. Then, too, there are issues of body image, performance anxiety, and feelings of potential inadequacy. So if you’re hoping to turn this common fantasy into a reality, plan well and plan well in advance. Be specific about how you hope your evening will progress and set up for success. Threesomes are memorable occurrences, and those privileged to share such encounters successfully recognize a bond that leaves a glow long after the actual sex has faded. Be careful, be fearless, be open hearted, and be brave. The rewards can be enormous!

© 2004. Pega Ren, Ed.D. All Rights Reserved.