Hot Topics Volume 1, Issue 2: June 2002

Welcome to the June issue of Hot Topics, the newsletter from www.smartsextalk.com.

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In This Issue:

News
Featured Topic: Children and Touch
Humour

News

Before we get into the topic of this month's newsletter - children and touch - there are a few anouncements.

• The Hot Topics newsletter page has been updated! While we only require an email to subscribe, we have included a comprehensive form with voluntary questions. The reason for this is that we want to get a better idea of who we are talking to. If you wish, you may re-subscribe and provide further information. As always, we will keep all information in the strictest of confidence.
  
• We have added an archives section for past issues of Hot Topics. Visit to see missed issues, and for follow-up information. The pages are full HTML, so we are able to include more links and other information.

Featured Topic: Children and Touch

Sex education is part of my job as a sexologist. There is always more to learn about sex and sexuality, and I am happy to share what I know with you. In turn, the questions you send in, and those asked by my private practice clients, keep me always searching for better and more current information. It also teaches me what issues are on people's minds.

One recent question triggered the topic of children and touch. Speaking with parents of pre-school-aged children, the issue of 'inappropriate touching' came up. Who decides what's appropriate? How do they decide? What information do they use in making those decisions? Why is it such a big issue?

One parent told the story of an incident with a daycare provider that left her confused and troubled. It seems the day care provider had told the parent that her four-year-old had been punished with a lengthy time-out for touching another toddler's bottom, a kind of "butt grab".

One issue of the parent's concern was the lengthy time-out (parenting experts and parents alike agree that any more than one minute's time out for each year of age is ineffective and punitive), but even more troubling was the reason for the isolation. The boy had touched someone else's tush. It was not done in anger nor was it aggressive or violent. Simply a grab, probably motivated by childhood curiosity and the innocent thrill of touching a 'private part'. The daycare provider was appalled, the parent bewildered.

Many child abuse prevention manuals stress what I call 'the blue zones.' These are blue-coloured areas on the cookie cutter illustrations of boys' and girls' bodies that others are not to touch. They include the areas where a one- (for boys) or two-piece (girls) bathing suit would cover, plus the top of the head. (You may wonder about that last bit. In many religions the soul is pulled to Heaven by the hair on one's head, thus the scalp is protected because of its importance. In cultures that do not embrace that belief, we routinely tousle children's hair without their consent or comfort. As adults, only lovers and caretakers have such liberties!)

The problem with stressing the blue zones is that the message about uncomfortable and unwanted touching of our own bodies by other people is often interpreted as any touching of our bodies must be avoided. The body parts get blamed, rather than sexual aggressor's behaviour.

And that's the problem with small children being exiled and shamed for touching another's bottom. Children are curious about lots of things, and sex, especially the anatomy of sex at that age, is no exception. We don't punish tots for touching another's elbow, or foot, or even belly, but the blue zones are off limits, usually with no explanation about why that is so. How can we grow up with healthy appreciation for our bodies with such lessons as children?

As parents, we must all decide what lessons we want to teach to our children, which lessons we'd rather have someone else teach them (driving comes to mind), and those over which we have little or no control. If we do our best to offer our children accurate sexual information and respectful relationship ethics, we can lessen the effects of negative messages they will get outside our home.

What can we do as parents? When we catch our children playing doctor, the appropriate response is to shut the door while apologizing for barging in, then gathering books with anatomically correct information (appropriate to the ages of the kids) for sharing. A visit to a bookstore to choose children's sexuality education books can be great fun. This is clearly an open window of opportunity. We can now continue (or begin) a lifelong habit of communicating with our children about sex and, believe me, if kids and parents can talk easily about sex, they can talk about anything!

- Pega Ren

Editor's note: For more on this topic, go to the 'perspectives' menu and find the article, Talking to Youth About Sex: What's Enough? What's Too Much?".

Humour

A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people having sex!"

Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having sex!"

The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex," to which the man replies, "Me?! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

Copyright 2002. Dr. Pega Ren. All Rights Reserved.