Hot
Topics Volume 1, Issue 4: August 2002
Welcome to the August issue
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In This Issue:
Happy Pride Day in Vancouver
Q & A
Featured Topic: Disparate Desires
Humour
Happy Pride Day in Vancouver
It's been thirty-three years since gays tumbled out
of the Stonewall Inn in New York resisting harrassment
by the police and launched the Gay Pride movement. Here
in Vancouver, we've just celebrated our annual Gay Pride
parade, which has now grown to a week's worth of celebration
and merriment. Each year the parade is attended by more
folks and, it seems, there is less media coverage. My
guess is that Gay Pride is becoming too mainstream to
garner much interest for the news media anymore. As
we now debate same sex marriage, adoption, and legal
rights and responsibilities, we no longer question the
existence of alternative lifestyles, though it will
be a long battle before the Right accepts diversity
as a personal and private choice.
I'm mighty pleased to realize that sexuality can now
be celebrated with bright colours, police protection
(in fact, there are police contingents marching in almost
every city's parades), civic permits, and a rather lackadaisical
media eye. The parades themselves have grown more inclusive
with the years. Once dubbed only 'Gay', they are now
a mouthful of letters: Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered,
Transsexual, Questioning. Though cumbersome, the additional
categories boast acceptance, awareness, and inclusion.
More and more people are asking, 'What's the big deal?
Who are they/we hurting?' We're heading in the right
direction.
So, dear readers, let's lift our glasses to those who
fight for freedom, who refuse to be made small, who
insist on visibility. After all, they make it easier
for all of us to enjoy our particular brand of sexual
expression. Let's remember to celebrate not only diversity,
but pleasure and connection as well.
Happy PRIDE one and all!
For more information, click here
to connect to the Vancouver Pride Society.
Q & A: My lover wants sex
more than I do
Editor's Note: We have been asking
for your comments and questions, hoping to make this
newsletter a more interactive vehicle, and one that
addresses issues relative to the readers. This issue
features the first question and answer - a question
that leads into this month's featured topic. Thank you
for writing, and keep it coming!
Q: My partner and I have been together
for over three years now. We get along quite well, live
together seamlessly, and share many values and interests.
The only thing we fight about is sex, and we fight about
sex A LOT. My lover wants sex way more often than I
do. Is this a common problem? What can we do to fix
it? Can you help us?
A: Yes, this is a very common problem,
and a difficult one to address. However, with the help
of a sex therapist, many couples are able to overcome
the problems caused by disparate desires. See the featured
topic below for more information.
- Pega Ren
Featured Topic: Disparate Desires
In thinking about the issues that routinely come up
in my therapy with clients, I realized that there are
a few recurring themes. Disparate desires - when the
partners have different sexual appetites - is a common
problem, and one that can destroy an otherwise happy
and healthy relationship.
Having disparate desire is a difficult problem to address
because there is so much pride and vulnerability involved.
Both parties truly believe the other is acting intentionally,
that the other is wrong. The core of the issue, aside
from the obvious sexual negotiation, is power.
Whoever wants less, has more power.
I understand that this sounds backwards. Let's tease
it apart and it should become clear. If I want to have
sex once a week, and you want to have sex once a month,
then I am going to be horny and frustrated three weeks
a month. You, on the other hand, let me know when my
advances will be accepted, or perhaps you even initiate
sex, but on your terms. I am usually, by that time,
grateful if not downright desperate. I begin to wonder
if you want me at all, or if you are bestowing 'mercy
sex'. Still, having sex with you, believing that everything
will be all right now (we humans are a hopeful lot)
encourages me and re-connects us. The problem is that
the cycle gets repeated, and repeated, and repeated.
I feel...
Powerless, which eventually leads to Resentment.
Now let's view it from the other side: When we first
got together, you were so romantic, attentive, and sexy.
I couldn't keep my eyes off you...or my hands. We fell
in love, and this process was fuelled by long sessions
of look-into-your-eyes lovemaking. We became a couple,
and the importance of life crept into our fairy tale
romance. A trip to Home Depot became more practical
than passionate. If kids came along, you can bet our
sex lives changed along with everything else. But I
know in my heart that we are solid and safe and I love
it when you cuddle with me. Trouble is, every time we
touch each other, you want to have sex. I'm beginning
to wonder if you even notice who I really am anymore.
I know you want sex (I'm not so sure if you really want
me), so I can't risk approaching you because I'm afraid
you'll interpret it as a green light for sex again.
Why can't you be satisfied with leisurely lovemaking
a couple of times a month? What's wrong with you?! I
feel devalued and objectified, which in turn makes me
feel...
Powerless, which eventually leads to Resentment.
For those of you who are nodding your heads in recognition,
I regret that I have no magic elixir, no snappy psychobabble
that will 'fix' either one of you (you see, there's
nothing wrong with either of you). This is truly a thorny,
complicated, and sensitive issue. There are solutions,
but not every couple are able to make the necessary
changes and accommodations to ease the tension. Sometimes,
the problem is just plain temperament.
Some of us like sex (or classical music or hockey) a
lot; others don't. Different, not right nor wrong. But
when we mate with someone whose sexual desires vary
greatly from ours, we easily have a problem on our hands
we don't know how to address. There are some things
you can do to assess your differences and hopefully
bring them closer together:
- take turns initiating sex and monitor the intervals
- establish regular 'date nights' (for more, see "Mate
Dates" article) where thoughtful, indulgent
lovemaking can occur
- inject sex with something new: toys, positions, costumes..
- evaluate, separately and together, the role of sex
in your relationship
If, after trying to address the disparities in your
desire levels, you are still stalemated, consider getting
the help of a professional sex therapist. This is a
difficult problem and sometimes the perspective and
skill of another person that you don't have to live
with can help to clarify the issues and create options
you've missed or not thought of at all. We all deserve
to feel loved, cherished, and appreciated by our mates.
It's vitally important to stay clear about the value
of sex and love and to try every avenue to regain and
maintain that magic that helped us find each other in
the first place.
- Pega Ren
Humour
One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This
stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters."
So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto
says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."
A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and asks,
"So, how are you doing with the girls now?"
Happily, Pinnochio replies, "Who needs girls?"
Copyright 2002. Dr. Pega Ren. All Rights Reserved.
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