Hot Topics Volume 1, Issue 7: November 2002

Welcome to the November issue of Hot Topics, the newsletter from www.smartsextalk.com.

We invite you to send your suggestions, your questions, and your comments to us at editor@smartsextalk.com.

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In This Issue:

Featured Question: Penis Size
News: Harry Hay Obituary
Upcoming Appearances: BIOlogical Conference 2002
Humour
Quote of the Month

Featured Question: Penis Size

Dear Hot Topics Subscribers,

The following letter came to me via my website. It reflects such a common issue that I'm sure it will resonate with many of you. Here's your chance to 'listen in' and examine a sexual issue. Feel free to send me your own questions. Even if your letter doesn't make the Hot Topics column, you will get a personal response.

Please Note: All identifying information in this, and all other, articles has been modified to preserve confidentiality. You can always count on this.

Question:

Dear Dr. Ren,

I am totally embarrassed by this question.


My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We are both relatively fit and able-bodied. The marriage is great and we have 2 wonderful children; it's just that most of the time we only have time for quickies (dodging the kids) and I would rather use my penis. I can really only pleasure her orally or with different types of devices because my penis very small fully erect. The width of it, along with the length just isn't enough, I guess, to me more personally than my wife. Although there is no problem with my erections, my wife gets no pleasure when I'm inserted. It would be great if I could finish the job with just my penis.

We have tried many different positions and have bought many books showing other sexual methods. I have never tried any product I see advertised. Is there really anything out there that enhances the penis?

Answer:

Let me begin by assuring you that anything over about two inches in penis length is wasted as far as vaginas go. You see, women don't have nerve endings except in the outer third of the vagina (it's why we aren't aware of tampons). The pleasurable sensations we experience from deep penetration are from pressure on the cervix, which can be accomplished quite well with fingers and dildos. I suspect your wife's lack of pleasure is far more psychological than physical...we are sold such a bill of goods (women as well as men) regarding the 'bigger is better' myth.

You are correct that girth is more important than length. And your comment "to me more personally than my wife" reveals much insight, too. If she is dissatisfied, experiment with positions, toys, different touching techniques, etc, and above all, keep talking and listening. And try to believe her when she tells you she wouldn't trade you in for anything in the world. As to wanting to "finish the job with just my penis", you may be looking at an ego issue rather than a sexual issue...and that's a good thing because you can control that. Please believe me when I tell you women are far more satisfied with a caring, attentive lover with a small dick than an insensitive lout with a big one.

I see from your letter that you are comfortable using toys (and, I presume, your hands). I suggest you continue to intersperse intercourse (which, again I'm presuming, YOU enjoy) with oral sex, penetration with dildos for that full feeling your wife likes, and digital manipulation.

As to your question about whether there is actually anything that will extend penis length, yes, there is, but they are imperfect. Check with your local sex store, or contact Good Vibrations. They carry a condom-like sheath that has an extension included, providing extra length. It might be just what you are looking for.

As for creams, lotions, etc...it's all snake oil. There are penile extension surgeries, but they are very high risk and many men rue the day their egos convinced them to agree to them. There is also a technique (much less dangerous) in which the suspensory ligaments are severed so the penis hangs lower from the body, giving the effect of being longer. Problem? The suspensory ligaments anchor the organ...cut them, and you have no control of the penis, so you must hold it in place during sex or you keep missing your target while thrusting. What a bother.

The fact that you usually have time only for quickies is certainly as much of your problem as the size of your penis. My bet is that if you and your wife set aside time each week for nothing other than creating a safe and comfortable environment in which sex and intimacy can happen, you will both be far more satisfied. I do understand how 'quickies' become the norm in a busy household, but your letter cues me that this may well not be affording you what you are seeking. Have a look at my article 'Mate Dates', and call the babysitter.

I hope this helps. If you are enjoying a good marriage after ten years, you're doing something right! Apparently, you and your wife are communicating and problem solving together. The enjoyment of sex is much more between our ears than between our legs. Still, I hear your anguish and hope that these suggestions will bring you some welcome relief from concern.

If you need more information, just ask.

News: Harry Hay Obituary

Sad news, this month, courtesy of Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz of the University of Ottawa.

Harry Hay, who helped found the Mattachine Society (America's first gay advocacy group, in the 50s, and most active in the '60s) died Friday in San Francisco at the age of 90. This group was germinal to many gay groups that followed. He and his peers planted the seed of agitation on behalf of sexual minorities' freedoms that continues today.

He and his life partner filed papers to become recognized domestic partners in San Francisco just two weeks before his death.

This man and others like him, as role models and activists, did a great deal to spawn social awareness of gay-related issues as well as the spectrum of alternative lifestyles.

To learn more about Harry Hay:

- Texas Triangle Online

Upcoming Appearances: BIOlogical Conference 2002

As part of the 2002 BIOlogical Conference, running November 1st to 3rd, Dr. Pega Ren will be presenting "Vanilla to Neopolitan: Negotiating the Continuum of Sexual Experience" on Saturday, 2 November 2002 from 11:00 to 12:30 at the Hornby Conference Centre, at 595 Hornby, Vancouver, BC.

For more information on BIO-Logical 2002: A Weekend of Alternative Sexuality,
Learning & Fun, visit their web site, email BIO@VancouverDungeon.com, or telephone their information line at 604-684-XTRA ext. 2132.

We hope to see you there!

Humour

This month there was just too much to choose from, so you, lucky readers, get a double dose of chuckles.

First, a little workplace humour:

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this exercise:

1) On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

2) When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

3) Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit, and lie down on your bed.

4) Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested. "

5) Now close your eyes and repeat five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."

And now a reminder about being grateful for our own lives. Have a look at those of...(drum roll, please)...

IDIOTS OF THE YEAR
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words "Give me all your money or I'll shoot" he shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, when one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath, he came up choking, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER ....THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Quote of the Month

"Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime."

~George Bernard Shaw, Everybody's Political What's What, 1944

Copyright 2002. Dr. Pega Ren. All Rights Reserved.