Hot Topics Volume 2, Issue 2: February 2003

Welcome to the latest issue of Hot Topics, the newsletter from www.smartsextalk.com.

We invite you to send your suggestions, your questions, and your comments to us at editor@smartsextalk.com.

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In This Issue:

Letter From The Editor
News: Upcoming Appearances
Featured Topic: Sensate Focus
Humour
Quote of the Month

Letter From the Editor

Hello again;

As you may remember, we asked you for feedback and suggestions last month. Overwhelmingly, I heard the desire for the option to receive this newsletter in HTML format. That change has been in the works for some time, and I take note of the request. You can expect to see this as an added feature of the DrPegaRen.com site and newsletter in the future!

Please keep your suggestions coming - we want to make the newsletter and site a place you want to visit because it has good information and resources about sex and relationships. This is your chance to help us shape what DrPegaRen.com will become.

~ Editor

News: Upcoming Appearances

February 15th, 2003: You can catch another of Dr. Ren's entertaining presentations on Saturday, 15th of February, at the Sheraton Guildford Hotel from 3:00-4:00pm. The address is 15269 - 104th Street, in Surrey, BC. This featured presentation, Sex: Who Has Time?, will address the dilemmas of busy, modern women trying to have it all while doing it all. Get ready for laughs and tons of accurate, non-judgmental sex information.

May 28-31st, 2003: Dr. Ren will be joined by Simon Fraser University's Dr Tom Nesbit, director of the Centre for Integrated and Credit Studies when they deliver a featured presentation, Sexuality for Seniors, at the Calgary (Alberta) 2003 Conference of the Canadian Association for University Continuing Education, Focusing on the Future: Progress, Partnerships and Possibilites. The Conference runs May 28 through 31, 2003. For more information, visit the conference website at http://www.cted.ucalgary.ca/cauce2003/. We hope to see you there!

Featured Topic: Sensate Focus

Sensate focus, developed about fifty years ago by the grandparents of modern sex therapy, Masters and Johnson, is a frequently-used technique for people who feel disconnected from their sexuality. It can also enable change in the sexual interactions of couples.

The concept is pretty basic: the focus is taken off intercourse and orgasm and placed on tactile pleasure and non-verbal communication. The technique is simple, too. Set aside an hour or two in which to create an environment of safety, privacy, and sensuality and set the scene.

Visit a grocery store that has ethnic foods. There you can find coconut oil in the Indian, West Indian, and sometimes Asian sections, and you'll find it to be surprisingly inexpensive. Coconut oil has a number of selling points: it is fragrant, greaseless, and usually tasteless, washes out of fabric with hot water and soap, is light enough to slip easily over the skin, and (drum roll, please) melts at body temperature. What this means is that even if you forget to pre-warm it (a minute in the microwave or tucked cosily in a cup on a coffee warmer by the bed), a rub between the hands brings out its fragrant, slick liquid.

After the grocery, head to the dollar store to find sponges, woven bath mitts (scratchy jute or nubbly synthetic), pumice stones, luxurious washcloths, backscratchers, soft net body scrubbers, scented body washes, loofahs….you get the drift. Try to view everything with an eye toward texture and aim for variety. Different folks like different textures, and individuals like different textures at various times and at disparate sites on the body.

Once home again, choose music and lighting (everyone looks great in candlelight) to suit the mood. Light some incense or heat a bowl of potpourri. Adjust the temperature for comfort. Bathing can make a delightful prelude. Add bubbles if you like them, or oil, or Epsom salts. Bathe your lover as slowly and thoughtfully as you can, paying special attention to the feeling of skin beneath your hand. Note the nuances of skin texture, body hair, curves and hollows. Luxuriate in the feelings. Perhaps you can shampoo your partners hair. Do you remember the scene from Out of Africa where Robert Redford washes Meryl Streep's hair? Aim for something just as unhurried and indulgent. If you can, warm the towels and robe and wrap your lover following the bath.

Move to the bedroom. After sensuously drying your lover, lay them (I'll use the plural pronoun here to avoid the confusing and cumbersome s/he) on the bed, which you may have shrouded with a flannel sheet for easy cleanup, and may even have been pre-warmed with a heating pad or electric blanket. The softness
of the flannel and the warmth guarantee relaxation. Gather up more texture toys to be used during a massage. Try fur, feathers, brushes, velvet and burlap cloths, chopsticks or wooden spoons with which to 'drum' on your lover's skin.

As you become accustomed to thinking in erotic and sensual terms, you will notice items in the oddest and most mundane of places that you'll add to your cache of toys. Dribble the warm oil on your lover's back and move it around. You needn't be sparing with this oil for the skin drinks it in happily and you're aiming for slippery. Anoint their whole body, paying special attention to how their skin feels to your hands. Resist talking. Notice which touches evoke purring or flinching and adjust your touch accordingly. Imagine how your touch feels to the receiving skin. Enjoy the feelings. Don't rush; in fact, try to prolong the session to squeeze out every moment of sensation and pleasure.

When the back side is done, flip your by-now malleable and relaxed partner and do the same thing on this side. Do not avoid, nor concentrate on, the genitals. Signs of arousal may become evident. If it feels good (to both of you), caress the penis or vulva for awhile, but climax and orgasm are definitely not the goals of this process. Pay as much attention to the toes and the hollows in the throat, and every other inch of skin. This exercise is about sensuousness and pleasure. It is a generous and appreciated gift that enhances intimacy, trust, and the bond between lovers.

Imagine your hands are journeying over new terrain, and your intention is to learn this geography perfectly. Squeeze, scratch, blow, touch so lightly you can feel the tiny hairs between your skin and your lover's. Use your texture toys all over their body. Try different strokes and intensities. Experiment and explore. Cherish this intimate experience.

When you are done, gently leave your lover's side and blow out the candles, deal with the music, and readjust the room temperature for sleeping. Slip into bed behind your partner and wrap your body around theirs. It's called spooning, because you want to lie together like two spoons stacked in a drawer. Listen
and feel your lover's breathing and adjust yours to match. Words are unnecessary. Soon you will both drift into a carefree sleep together, comforted by closeness and contentment.

With any luck, and perhaps a bit of negotiation, tomorrow night will be your turn to be on the receiving end of sensate focus. It's a lovely way to spend time together and increases the feelings of intimacy as only skin contact and relaxed trust can do. Enjoy this exercise this Valentine's Day….and on many days to follow.

- Pega Ren

*Marketing 101*

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Spam.

(Reprinted from http://www.inktank.com/)

Quote of the Month

"You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do."
~ Henry Ford

Copyright 2003. Dr. Pega Ren. All Rights Reserved.