Hot Topics Volume 2, Issue 4: April 2003

Welcome to the latest issue of Hot Topics, the newsletter from www.smartsextalk.com.

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In This Issue:

Letter From The Editor
News: Upcoming Appearances
Featured Topic: Courtship
Humour
Quote of the Month

Letter From the Editor

Spring has sprung and love is in the air...not that we had much of a winter here in mild Vancouver. This month's Hot Topics deals with the timely topic of courtship - and THAT is an art all of us, whether single or coupled, would be wise to perfect. Read on to learn the steps to successful courting, and visit the website to see this article in its entirety.

As I mentioned before, some of you have requested that Hot Topics be available in HTML format, as well as plain text. I want to reassure you that your requests have been heard, and that we are in the planning stages of a site overhaul, which will include this feature. If there are other things you would like to see on the site, now is the time to speak up. We will take into account all requests. Contact me at
editor@smartsextalk.com.

~ Editor

News: Upcoming Appearances

April 18th, 2003: Dr. Ren will be presenting "Pillow Talk: Sexual Communication For Better and For Worse" at the BIO-Tech conference on Friday, 18 April 2003 at the Hornby Conference Centre, 595 Hornby Street in Vancouver.

May 28-31st, 2003: Dr. Ren will be joined by Simon Fraser University's Dr Tom Nesbit, director of the Centre for Integrated and Credit Studies when they deliver a featured presentation, Sexuality for Seniors, at the Calgary (Alberta) 2003 Conference of the Canadian Association for University Continuing Education, Focusing on the Future: Progress, Partnerships and Possibilites. The Conference runs May 28 through 31, 2003. For more information, visit the conference website at http://www.cted.ucalgary.ca/cauce2003/. We hope to see you there!

Featured Topic: Courtship or From Hello to Good Morning

The subject of courtship is vast. We're all interested in it, and few of us feel equipped to do it with grace. It's exciting... and it's scary. We know some things about the courtship process. It has a certain number of steps, which differ depending on whose research your using (today we'll use mine), and starts with 'hello' ...first meeting...and progresses through a 'getting to know you' stage to the pivotal point of being sexual together, which we call 'consummation.' Of course courtship continues...hopefully forever, but here I want to talk about the early part of the process because it is so important...and where we all start.

Every relationship begins with “hello”, in one form or another. We rarely know when we’re going to meet someone new, nor do we know what that new relationship will bring. This is one of the exciting aspects of dating. When we are open to opportunity, all sorts of surprises are in store!

We are easily intimidated by courtship. We hear warnings like, “You won’t find anyone special until you quit looking.” Hogwash! It’s fairy-tale thinking: that if you just sleepwalk through life, waiting for your prince (or princess) to come, that your passivity will be rewarded with happily-ever-after. The truth is we have a much better chance of getting what we want if we ask for it, and we spend far more Saturday nights in our jammies…alone…waiting for a knock on our door than if we are out there having fun and keeping our eyes open.

Another trap we can easily fall into is going to some place loaded with potentials rather than going somewhere where we know we will have a good time. If you’re lousy at drinking and loud music gives you a headache, quit frequenting the bars. If you don’t ‘get’ poetry, stay away from the slams. If you were born lacking a sporty gene, leave that locker room. Ask yourself, “What do I really enjoy doing? What do I do just because it makes me happy?” That’s where you want to hang out, and that’s also where you’ll find others who share your interests.

“That’s it? Just show up?” you ask? Adopting an attitude of watchful waiting is a fundamental step in the process. It pays to set up for success, as well. Consider your forays out into the social world as chances. If you want to win, you have to play. Moreover, you want to play smart to increase your odds. So before you head out, stop and evaluate your presentation. Brush your teeth, and your hair. Are you clothes clean? Do you look good? If in doubt, change something and check the mirror again. Would you notice you? Now I’m not suggesting that you be a fashion slave, just that you be intentional about what you communicate about yourself to others. After all, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I'm going to list the steps of the courtship process here, but I invite you to click here to view the entire article - it looks at each of these steps in more detail.

- eye contact (our eyes met across a crowded room)
- conversational opener (the pick-up line)
- specific location (symbolic establishment of the twosome)
- goal clarification (what you’re each looking for)
- sexual communication (stating the obvious)
- direct approach (touching)
- specific date (arranging time together to explore sexual potential)
- plan the main event (sexual negotiation)

Coupling really is quite simple, once we get past the temptation to play games and avoid responsibility for our own actions. Remember, though, that a successful sexual encounter doesn’t guarantee a successful relationship or, for that matter, any further relationship at all. Do not confuse lust with love, which takes a loooong time to grow. What we are talking about here is only the first steps on that uncertain journey.

Just as every relationship begins with hello, each ends in goodbye, whether that’s tomorrow morning or when we are parted by death. Grab hold now and have the most fun you can. Appreciate every minute. Make wonderful memories.

- Pega

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

Quote of the Month

"Diversity is not for the squeamish. It means making (and taking) a space at the table that includes people you don't like, don't agree with, or who think you are just plain wrong."

~Alexander J. Goodrum

Alexander was a much loved FTM activist & community leader in Arizona. He was the driving force behind the transgender-inclusive non-discrimination ordinance in Tucson in 1999; he founded TGNet Arizona, a grassroots transgender education and advocacy organization, and remained the director until his untimely death. One of his beefs was all the back-stabbing and gossipy toxic drama generated within his community - being a fairly sensitive guy it really got to him more than it might others. He hung himself while hospitalized for depression and related psychiatirc observation.

Copyright 2003. Dr. Pega Ren. All Rights Reserved.