PLAYING DOCTOR: CURIOSITY OR DANGER?
By Dr. Pega Ren

Remember the song we taught our toddlers in day care: "Head and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes….eyes and ears and mouth and nose….head and shoulders, knees and toes"? A generation ago we believed it important that our children know the names of their body parts. It was even politically correct to teach them 'vagina' and 'penis'. We empowered kids with programs that taught them to "just say No". We encouraged our children to distinguish between 'bad touch' and 'good touch'. We got more realistic about abuse and response.

Fast forward to present. America's accelerated antisexual fervor has changed our societal approach to sex and sex education. I recently watched a daytime talk show on which an actor related how proud she was of her bright young son's curiosity. That is, until he asked her during a diaper change what "that" was. She panicked, summoned her husband, and fled while her mate handled this delicate question. She asked later what he'd told the lad. Her husband proudly announced, "I told him that was his pee-pee." The actor and her interviewers laughed in accord with the seeming impossibility of grace with this topic. Dismayed at this role model's discomfort about a child's honest question about his body, I shook my head and switched off the program.

Among the important learning milestones of childhood is something called organ constancy, the feeling of ownership of our own body. The timing of this process begins at about six months and continues until the age of about four, and is heavily dependent upon gender. Boys, with their external genitals and frequent touching of their penises during urination, achieve organ constancy as much as three years before their sisters, who are unable to see and are discouraged from touching, their own genitalia. When the girls catch up, they become curious about this newly-perceived distinction and the stage is set for play that informs the toddlers about the differences in their bodies.

Until or unless we are caught at it, we retain little memory of these pleasant experiences. Depending on the adults' response to their discovery of our innocent behaviour, this milestone either passes unnoticed or becomes our first experience of sexual shame. Today's parents fret about what we used to call playing doctor. They now label it as sexually inappropriate and/or abusive behaviour. Troubled mothers worry that their sons will become perverts or their daughters victims. Sex is now so villainized that we have forgotten how benign and important our early sex play was. We are now vigilant about protecting our children from the dangers of sex, and danger seems to be everywhere.

However, there is no danger in peer-aged children exploring their own and each other's bodies. Indeed, such play defines differences between male and female and helps children form strong organ constancy.

This in turn protects children from abuse, for when they feel entitled to their own bodies, they can better differentiate between good and bad touching. If they know the names of their body parts and feel comfortable speaking about them, they are more likely to report unpleasant situations. They will be their own first line of defense against abuse.

On a deeper level, early introductions to organ constancy carry pleasurable physical responses. If shame is not layered on those early memories, we grow up comfortable with our bodies and with our bodies' responses to arousal. We have a better chance of developing a positive body image, despite the constant media blitz of unattainable perfection. We will enjoy our own bodies and those of others. Early curiosity becomes fused with adult desire resulting in fearless intimacy and sexual abandon. Isn't that what we all want?

So, parents, please be gentle with your young sons and daughters. Help them to accept and honour their bodies and to welcome pleasure. Without the hormones of puberty, they lack the capacity for lust. Their curiosity is innocent and important. It is also easily addressed. The playing doctor stage is brief if left alone. Take this opportunity to share some introductory sex education books with your tots. They'll learn what they need to know and move on to their next developmental stage.

Sometimes we make things far more complicated than they need to be. Until we teach them differently, kids are neutral about their body parts. Our job is to foster their healthy acceptance of their bodies. We'd all do well to relax and enjoy.

© 2005. Pega Ren, Ed.D. All Rights Reserved.