A common complaint among heterosexual male clients is their inability to control the timing of their ejaculation.  They come too soon.  What is too soon?  A general perception is that other men last 10-30 minutes.  Not so.  In his ground-breaking research in the 1950s, Kinsey found that the average time between intromission (when the penis enters the vagina) and ejaculation is two minutes!  Most of the time spent in lovemaking is not actual thrusting but in kissing, fondling, caressing and stroking.

In assessing the problem, the number of minutes is less important than the satisfaction of the people involved.  If ejaculation occurs sooner than the lovers wish and this causes distress in the sexual relationship, then the ejaculation can be regarded as 'premature'.

PE is learned early, when adolescent boys hurry through masturbation to avoid getting caught.  They focus little emphasis on pleasure; efficiency is the goal.  When they begin dating, furtive gropings in inappropriate venues rarely allow boys to luxuriate in the enjoyment of arousal.  Ejaculation is often hurried of necessity.  When these boys become men and form stable couples, the premature ejaculation sometimes fades as the couple develops a loving sexual rhythm.  Those men who more easily learn to control their ejaculatory timing are those who appreciate sensuality and luxuriate in foreplay.  They tend to form relationships with women who do not focus on penetrative aspects of sex but rather delight in the overall playfulness of sex.  Their relationships are more often egalitarian than those designed along gender role guidelines.  Even in stable marriages, however, periods of stress may aggravate PE.  When we feel pressured, we often revert to old patterns.

Though a rapid ejaculation pattern generally begins in adolescence, it sometimes occurs later in life in response to a withering relationship or a high stress life change.  It can be triggered by the nervousness and excitement of a new sexual experience (partner or situation).  Performance anxiety does little to promote relaxation and pleasure, key ingredients for good control.  Sometimes after the jitters settle down the problem resolves, but for those men who suffer chronic PE treatment is imperative.

For those men who do not learn ejaculatory control in early relationships, PE can be a difficult behaviour pattern to break, and not all relationships create an environment that promote change.  Some components that breed sexual dysfunction are: sexually demanding partners, unrealistic expectations, disparate desires, partners who also have a sexual dysfunction, and an excessive desire to please. A partner’s derogatory remarks uttered in frustration develop a cycle of failure and anxiety.  Poor communication and trust underscore these problems.

PE challenges a man’s sexual self esteem and sense of self control.  He feels like a bad lover, for in fact he often fails to please his partner.  Shamed into silence, he eventually stops discussing other aspects of lovemaking as well.  The bedroom is no longer an exciting place to be. 

Addressing PE can lead to a new openness about sex that enriches more than ejaculatory control.  When trying to deny pleasure to delay coming doesn’t work--and anyone who experiences PE knows that fact—it is time to consider a treatment program.  The good news is that a professionally monitored program offers an 85-95% lifelong success rate, and the key to its success is in learning to embrace pleasure.   It’s true that it requires commitment and patience,  much like learning a new language.  The reward is many long years of terrific sex, unmarked by the frustration and humiliation of unintended ejaculation.

Perhaps acknowledging the problem and that you can’t fix it yourself is the toughest hurdle to overcome.  No doubt calling a perfect stranger and asking for help with such a personal issue is difficult as well.  But with each step in the treatment, your self confidence swells and your ability to control your ejaculation increases.  The big bonus is that you begin to experience real pleasure with arousal and sex becomes a glorious expression of joy. 

If premature ejaculation is dogging you, consider confronting it.  With our modern treatment programs, you can enjoy years of the magnificent sex you deserve!

© 2006. Pega Ren, Ed.D. All Rights Reserved.