PUCKERING UP
By Dr. Pega Ren

- Originally published on DrKoop.com

Valentine’s Day brings thoughts of love and romance....and kissing. What better portrays love’s qualities than a kiss? We kiss to greet and to part, to comfort children and pets, to bestow kindness and gratitude, and to
celebrate lust. Kisses mark the entrance to intimate relationships and sustain the bonds of friendship and kinship. Kissing is a distinctly human form of communication, learned in infancy and translated globally. Poor is the person who does not speak the language of the kiss.

In considering kissing, I reminisced about my own first kiss. I was a thirteenyear- old girl recently-blossomed into puberty and newly aware of the sensation of desire. I had exhilarating and consuming crushes on teachers and movie stars. The concept of reciprocation of affection was mysteriously compelling but nonetheless alarming, for I knew that a shared kiss would be the gateway from the innocence of childhood to the rights and responsibilities of a sexually mature adolescence. I kissed that first time with youthful wonder and an insistence infused with sexual recognition. It was exhilarating! I felt powerful and wise! I so wanted that first kiss to show, like the budding of my breasts or hair under my arms, so that everyone would understand that I had tasted the fruit of arousal, had desired and been desired, that I was now an adult. Well, at least, I had experienced my first taste of that game that only adults could play: sex.

No such marks appeared, however, and I relied on social cues and attentive listening to find access to the world of women, who had done way more kissing than I had and thus were fonts of information I wanted and needed. I eavesdropped on their whisperings and jokes. I talked endlessly with my girlfriends about the ‘good kissers’ and whether French kissing should be reserved for ‘steadies.’ And of course there was a sea of boys who would do anything, certainly kiss, if they thought it might get them closer to actual sex. All I wanted to do was kiss. I did not feel ready to become more actively sexual, especially as long as kissing served so well my purposes of reveling in arousal and fantasy.

I suspect the Sweet Sixteen parties of the youth-indulgent post-War years were a belated attempt to validate the passage from youth to adolescence that is marked by the first romantic kiss. Surely those parties, attended by awkward, squealing, hormone-driven teens, embodied the transition begun by menstruation and ended, often, by pregnancy. Kissing is the starter pistol of sexual maneuverings, the activity in which we learn social and sexual negotiation and compromise, and through which we explore the strong and gentle swellings of romance and lust. How marvelous that we can practice our interpersonal relationship skills in such a pleasure-filled and consequence-free manner.

I propose a Valentine’s Day toast. In the spirit of love and romance, let’s salute kissing. Here’s to your first kiss.....and to your next!

© 2001. Pega Ren, Ed.D. All Rights Reserved.