REKINDLING THE FIRE
By Dr. Pega Ren

- Originally published on DrKoop.com

Some of us are smart and lucky enough to have coupled with partners with whom we live comfortably. Seldom do we argue about who does which chore. Our interests coincide or coexist amicably. We agree on most of life’s important issues, and we maintain similar values. We could not find a better room mate, and we are content.

Sometimes, however, these easy relationships suffer from lack of care surrounding sexual activity. Content to be living with our best friends, we slip into a pattern of benign neglect regarding our physical encounters. It is not long before we can’t remember the last time we felt passion or consuming desire. Before too much longer, we realize that we would feel awkward making a sexual advance, as though that part of our interpersonal vocabulary has been erased through disuse. We tell ourselves that since nothing is really wrong with the relationship, we’ll just wait out this erotic hiatus. Sometimes the wait is very long indeed, as our spouse may well be feeling the same hesitation and embarrassment about sexual initiation, meaning that no one makes the first move.

Sometimes this sexual shyness can appear rapidly. If our lovemaking frequency is once a week, for instance, and we realize that we’ve not been sexual for three or four weeks, we commonly begin analyzing our recent
interactions. How quick we are to worry and to blame, wondering if this interruption in our status quo is an indicator of trouble within the relationship. We ask ourselves questions like, “Am I not a good enough lover?” and “Does s/he no longer find me attractive?” We begin to identify the length of time since we’ve made love as a problem, and before we know it, it becomes one. Now we find ourselves tongue-tied and worried.

The easiest solution, of course, is to give our heads a shake, take our mate’s hand, and say, “I’m still as crazy about you as I was when we first fell in love. Let’s go to bed.” This course of action usually results in a therapeutic reunion on both physical and emotional levels, and in the afterglow of sexual communion we can reiterate our desire and devotion. This is a prime opportunity, as well, to note how easily the time slips away when we aren’t paying attention to the importance of sexual connection and to commit anew to making time for sex consciously. We can set up our next date in the near future, agreeing to do something we both consider fun and ensuring that we will be unhurried and uninterrupted.

Sounds easy enough, you say, but what about spontaneity? Doesn’t planning for sex make it clinical, sterile? Actually, romance is based on planning. Remember when we were still courting, when each date brought a quickening of the pulse, an unsettling and seductive wonder of whether our affections and excitement were reciprocated? We spent hours getting ready, ensuring that we made the best possible impression. The planning is exciting and arousing in its own right. To borrow a line from the movie Cross My Heart, “It must be getting serious - I’m shaving above my knees.” Planning for a sexual encounter is not the problem; often not planning for it is! And the anticipation of an upcoming night of sexual abandon heightens our arousal and can let us feel giddy with desire again.

Perhaps germane to this discussion is the effect of boredom and complacency. Boredom occurs when we allow the dynamics of our relationships to lose their priority in our daily lives. We become complacent when we do not recognize, or do not respond to, the need to revitalize a flagging connection with our mate. Is it difficult to risk the vulnerability necessary to initiate intimacy after an extended absence? Yes, it can be. Still, when we stay on our toes, checking regularly the ‘pulse’ of our commitment, we are rewarded with fresh perspectives and new experiences on an ongoing basis. Relationships are much like gardens in that they each require care and tending to grow. Like gardens, our marriages are dependent on what and how we plant, and how much time we spend working in them. External forces (like weather in a literal garden) can affect our personal gardens, but so long as we protect them and nourish them, they will reward us with blossoms of magnificent beauty. Sex is perhaps the most magnificent of these flowers. We can rejoice whenever we take the time to appreciate them.

© 2001. Pega Ren, Ed.D. All Rights Reserved.