Volume
3 Issue 5, May 2004
Letter
From the Editor
It seems like only yesterday that it was masturbation
month...but here it's come around again! Time flies
when you're having a good time. For more information,
visit Good Vibrations' page
on the subject.
In other news, for those
of you wondering about Dr. Ren's "teletherapy",
please view the updated page here.
A few false starts revealed that MSN Messenger and and
XP operating system can cause problems. We now suggest
using Yahoo's instant messenging system. All the details
are online.
~ Editor
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Hot
Topic: Duty Sex |
I
recently attended a professional coaching
seminar offered by Tracy
Heyland. One of Tracy's main points
was that when our values are in conflict
with our goals, we procrastinate. She illustrated
how we can reframe our experiences to shape
the way we feel about circumstances, and
I, of course, began applying the principles
to the topic of sex.
The dialogue
went something like this: one participant
spoke about how she seemed unable to finish
her doctoral thesis, despite the fact that
she had finished her Master's and other
degrees without incident. She said that
each time she approached the successful
completion of the work, she stalled. The
speaker asked her about her core values,
which were independence, generosity, and
free will, and their opposites - obligation,
insincerity and duty.
Further questioning
led to the discovery that the woman felt
that earning her PhD would commit her to
a demanding position in which more people
relied on her (probably true).
Tracy asked
her to consider how she could use her value
of generosity to overcome her resistance,
which led to this: that even though others
may impose their expectations, she derived
great pleasure from her profession and was
indeed personally hampered by her lack of
credentials.
The issue
was not with others’ expectations
but with her reluctance to respond
to those expectations - to act out of duty.
She realized she need not sacrifice the
joy she experienced in her work to avoid
meeting the needs of others.
So what does
this have to do with sex?
|
Article
of the Month
Feel like your
sex life could use a jump-start. Try
reading the typically saucy, Spring
Clean Your Sex Life, reprinted
from The Mirror.
|
Research
of the Month
Want to enhance lesbian
lives? Well that's the aim of this
Institute - so do your part and take
their survey here.
|
"Watercooler"
link of the Month
Riotously funny
eBay auction. Click to learn more
about a man, a divorce, and a dress.
"Size
12 Wedding Dress/Gown"
|
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|
Many
couples complain that sex has become duty, and
has lost its joy. Women particularly chafe at
duty sex, and men wither with performance anxiety,
so both miss out on their own potential enjoyment.
What can we do to change this pattern?
The answer is simple:
if we can view the potential for our own pleasure
as rewarding regardless of the expectations of
others, we can free ourselves to give generously
and freely.
This does not apply
if someone callously and selfishly demands sex,
but if the problem rests with artless initiation
skills and/or poor communication patterns (as
is often the case), this fresh perspective can
change the routine. Why do we withhold gifts when
the recipient is eager? Are we demanding appreciation
rather than revelling in the delight of simple
giving? And really, how often have we half-heartedly
attended some requisite function only to experience
a fine time? Might we be able to enjoy ourselves
regardless of the other person’s motivations?
I think we
sometimes get lost in the routines of coupledom.
Boredom or fatigue can suddenly seem malevolent.
What I am suggesting is that we can free ourselves
from the self-fulfilling prophecy of sub-standard
sex by changing the way we approach the problem.
The joy of giving is one way to reframe duty sex,
but it may not work for those who are frustrated
and angry at their partners. Duty sex can also
be experienced as a naughty quickie - for some,
a more enticing prospect. Whatever method of reframing
works, use it. The important thing is to avoid
losing touch with ourselves and our patners. Stop
demanding that everything be perfect to venture
forth sexually. Independence, generosity, and
free will are worthy values regardless of the
context.
|
Featured Toy: Boy Toy
|
The
Art of Loving is a sex-positive store
in Vancouver, BC with an online retail
page. This month’s featured toy
is the Caress Pussy, a masturbation sleeve
that John Ince, proprietor of The Art
of Loving, lists as one of their most
popular men’s toys. He describes
the masturbation sleeve as:
“Life-like labia opens
to a tight canal. With lots of lube the
narrow fit is highly stimulating. The
Caress Pussy is made of denser and less
pliable material than either the Senso
products or the Fleshlight products (see
online catalogue). Some guys prefer the
denser material while some don't. If you
have a Senso or Fleshlight toy, you might
want to try the Caress Pussy for variety.” |
To provide another (objective) opinion,
I asked a friend of mine to try and review
this toy. Here are his comments:
“Being
an older person and only able to achieve
a partial erection, I found that the opening
was too tight and difficult to penetrate.
All in all, if the opening was a larger
and encased with softer folds the sleeve
may be enormously more pleasurable.”
Dr. Ren comments:
This sleeve comes in several
sizes, so the problems reported may be
resolved with a larger sleeve. The Art
of Loving also carries similar items made
of softer, though less durable, materials.
A bit of experimentation would undoubtedly
reward the shopper with just the right
fit and feel.
|
|
Featured Video: Selfloving,
by Betty Dodson, Ph.D.
For
those who feel a bit squidgy about self-pleasuring,
and for those who are curious about how
other women stimulate themselves, this
video is a must.
What I like about this video:
Betty invites a group of ordinary women,
with diverse bodies, to join her in a
masturbation workshop. She greets each
naked, encouraging them to accept themselves
and enjoy the day devoid of the pretenses
of clothes and modesty. It's thrilling,
in a naughty kind of way,to watch a circle
of naked women delighting themselves,
complete with the sounds and expressions
of arousal. This video is priceless for
women's groups and workshops, but is a
whole lot of fun just to witness how others
do publicly what we do ourselves privately.
What I don't like about this video:
Dr. Dodson provides one type of vibrator
(the Hitachi Wand) and not much variation
in position. Not all women react alike,
and this important information gets lost
with the assumption that all will respond
positively to the same form(s) of stimulation.
Do what works for you! |
|
Humour
An 85 year-old man was worried that
his wife was becoming hard of hearing, so he called
her doctor to book an appointment. The doctor suggested
that in the meantime, the man conduct an informal hearing
test.
"Here's what you do," said the
doctor. "Start out about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if
she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the man situated himself
in the living room while the woman was making dinner
in the kitchen. In a normal tone he said, 'Honey, what's
for supper?" No response.
The man moved ten feet closer and repeated,
"Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Moving another ten feet closer, the man
said, "Honey, what's for supper?" There was
still no response, so the man walked right to the kitchen
door. "Honey, what's for supper?" STILL, no
response.
Finally, the man crept right up behind
his wife and said, "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Damn it Earl, for the fourth time,
CHICKEN!"
Quote of the Month
"If you haven't got
anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to
me. "
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
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