Volume
3, Issue 7, September 2004
Letter
From the Editor
Welcome back from the summer hiatus! Due to our extended
absence, this month's newsletter is absolutely full
of news, research, articles, and humour.
And speaking of humour...we
have noticed that the humour we have been publishing
recently has tended to be about the same themes. We
want to open up the humour column to our loyal readers
and ask for YOUR favourite jokes. Next month we will
publish the best of the best, so send your submissions
(along with your name if you want credit) to editor@smartsextalk.com.
This month we are introducing
a new item: the case study. If we get positive responses,
we will continue it as a regular feature, so please
let us know. Also, we have added an "Upcoming Appearances"
section this month to give our subscribers advance notice
of appearances and events in the coming months.
Since we last had a mailout
a lot has happened (certainly the researchers have been
busy - see sidebar). Vancouver held their annual Walk
for Breast Cancer, and Dr. Crick, superstar in the field
of DNA, passed away. This issue has commentary on these
- and other - events. We hope you enjoy it.
And as always, feel free
to send us your questions and comments about this or
any issue by clicking my name below.
~ Editor
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Hot
Topic: Oprah and the "Evils"
of Lust |
I recently
watched an episode of Oprah that
surprised me, and prompted me to pick up
my pen. Oprah is often spot-on in her evaluations
of people and situations, and she frequently
presents a unique perspective. She also
influences North American women, just as
she reflects their sentiments. But on a
recent show, the underlying thrust of the
message confounded and distressed me.
This show
was segmented into several mini therapy
sessions, the first of which was the story
of a 30-something, urban woman, married
for about five years, who was having great
difficulty forgiving her husband for a "transgression"
that occurred prior to their wedding. She
was clearly stuck in her emotions, her trust
of her husband was woefully lacking, and
she admitted that her feelings about the
issue were negatively affecting the marriage.
The story
got my interest, but I was non-plussed when
I learned the details of the husband's trangression.
It seems that before their wedding, the
groom’s friends threw him a surprise
bachelor party at which strippers performed.
They danced and flirted, and one of the
entertainers treated the groom to a lap
dance.
Some time
later, after the wedding, the bride began
to ruminate about what might have happened
at that party, and she snooped into her
husband’s things to locate the video.
(No mention was made about this snooping
or its implications… but I digress.)
She found and watched the tape, and from
that point on felt imperiously righteous
about demeaning and punishing her husband
for defiling the “sacred” nature
of their marriage. (It was notable to me
that "sacred"’ was a word
much bandied about during the segment.)
The husband insisted he had not even touched
the dancer, and though the tape proved him
truthful, the bride insisted it didn’t
matter because his mere attendance at such
a disgraceful event desecrated their union.
At this point
I felt confident that Oprah, along with
her expert, would point out the flaws in
this woman's argument. The expert was a
woman named E. Jean, whose credentials included
writing a column for a women’s magazine
and authoring several books for the same
audience. No educational accomplishments
were mentioned.
It rapidly
became apparent that E. Jean's position
was horror at this "male chauvinist’s"
behaviour. According to her, he was guilty
of lustful feelings and of disrespect toward
his wife. When she announced that the sacrament
of the next night’s marital bed had
been defiled by his wanton behaviour, the
audience cheered. The message was clear:
sex is dangerous and must be controlled.
I had not
expected this. I thought the audience (and
certainly the ‘expert’) would
reassure the woman that her doubts could
be calmed by reflecting on the loving manner
with which her husband treated her daily.
I thought they might advise her that the
somewhat juvenile ritual of the bachelor
party was in fact a farewell to casual sex
and a celebration of abundant marital lovemaking.
I thought American women were more progressive,
more savvy, more hip.
This poor
guy, up on stage before millions of viewers
didn’t have a chance. He weakly protested
that he’d not even touched the stripper,
nor had he known about the party. This didn’t
matter. He had lusted in his heart. His
punishment? Well, that was interesting.
Columnist E. Jean suggested he could find
redemption if he funded a day at the spa
for his bride and a group of her friends!
They would receive facials, manicures, |
Links
of the Month
38-year-old
architectural artist Monica Bonvicini
created a one-way glass public outdoor
toilet to address the concept of of
how we react to "seeing but not
being seen". See photos and read
an interesting commentary here.
|
Article
of the Month
Ovarian Cancer Test!
The BBC recently published an article
about a new test to detect early ovarian
cancer - and it's apparently 100%
accurate!
|
Research
of the Month
For
today's teens, growing up really is
taking longer. A new
report on the shifting definition
of adulthood finds that it takes longer
for young people to make the transition
from adolescence to adulthood than
it did a few decades back.
A new
study published in The Journal
Human Reproduction suggests that
"Having unprotected sex once
is far more likely to result in a
pregnancy than was previously thought..."
Read
about it.
Research
published in The Guardian
suggests that men are better than
women at identifying noises, causing
some to ask: "If men could better
identify the sound of a flushing toilet,
could they identify the sound of the
seat being put down?"
Sexuality
and Disabilities - here's your
chance to contribute to the growing
body of research on this vital topic.
Simply click
to complete the survey.
Queerville.ca
is hosting a research study on how
BC and Alberta women use the Internet.
Participate here.
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"Watercooler"
links of the Month
Recently in Ontario,
a judge ruled that the Sex Offender
Registry is "unconstitutional".
Learn more about this controversial
issue here.
An
article
published in The Globe and Mail suggests
younger men may be using Viagra as
a "lifestyle" drug.
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massages, and champagne, and would end the day
toasting the sanctity of the couple’s marriage.
Oprah nodded and the audience applauded. I was
flummoxed:
Why
is a day of sensual pleasuring for her atonement
for an evening of sexual fantasy for him? Talk
about a double standard!
Why did we forsake
the thrill of erotic anticipation and replace
it with humdrum ownership rituals? When did we
forget the power we earned during the sexual revolution
of the sixties when, for the first time ever,
we became free to say ‘yes’ to sex
devoid of the consequence of pregnancy or judgment?
My initial
reaction to Oprah’s show was disbelief,
followed by anger, followed in turn by an abiding
sadness. Faithfulness is far more an attitude
than a behaviour. When we understand our personal
value, we needn’t make lust the enemy. |
Upcoming
Appearances
The
Institute for 21st Century Relationships
For those who are lucky enough to live in sex-positive
Canada and are cable subscribers, the Discovery
Channel Canada's program "The
Sex Files" will air an episode on Polyamory
in September. The good folks from Discovery Channel
Canada hung out with us at Building Bridges in
Seattle in October 2003 and taped many interviews
of [Dr. Pega Ren and] our other presenters for
inclusion.
This episode airs at the following times (Eastern):
Sat, Sep 11, 2004 at 12:30 AM
Tue, Sep 14, 2004 at 3:30 AM
Sat, Oct 30, 2004 at 12:30 AM
Tue, Nov 2, 2004 at 3:30 AM
~
The Centre for
Leadership and Community Learning, through
the Justice
Institute of British Columbia, will be offering
a course taught by Dr. Pega Ren entitled "Sex
Therapy for Non-Sex Therapists". This course
will run for two days, September 20 and 21, 2004.
~
The Vancouver
Naturopathic School of Medicine has invited
Dr Ren to present an afternoon of information
regarding techniques for defining and assessing
sexual concerns in a clinical population. This
seminar is scheduled for Monday, 27th of September.
~
BIO
(By Invitation Only), a Vancouver sex-positive
organization, will be featuring Dr Ren at their
Fall conference in October or November. Dr Ren
will be presenting "Some Enchanted Evening"
at the conference. Check the web site for details.
~
The LGBT Generations
Project, through the Centre, will be hosting
a Summit conference the 6 and 7 of November 2004.
Dr Ren will be presenting a seminar, "Sex
and Aging," at that conference. Check the
web site for details.
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NEW!
Case Study: Couple's Therapy
Most people feel some initial trepidation approaching
sex therapy and often ask what happens during
a session. Of course each appointment varies according
to the clients’ needs; however I thought
presenting a case study might be helpful for those
feeling a bit shy about beginning the process.
I was contacted by a mid-forties, white,
disabled woman, happily married for a
number of years to a sedate, hard-working
man her same age. She came to the marriage
with greater sexual experience than her
husband, and smiled that she’d taught
him everything she wanted him to know.
Their sex life was active and fulfilling.
When searching on the computer for something
unrelated, my client (let’s call
her Jane) stumbled onto a file containing
images of elaborately and provocatively
clad women. She had no problem with her
husband Bob viewing sexually explicit
images, but wondered why he had kept it
a secret. Upon closer inspection, however,
Jane noted that the women were not women
at all, but men dressed as women, drag
queens she thought they were called. Quite
understandably, she began to fret. Jane
wondered if her husband was secretly gay
and their marriage was a cover. If so,
what did this mean about her? What did
it mean about her marriage? She said nothing
to Bob, far too confused to form coherent
questions. Instead, she phoned me.
At our first appointment,
we reviewed the strengths and vulnerabilities
in her marriage. She agreed that she must
ask Bob about his interest in these pictures.
I explained Kinsey’s continuum of
sexual behaviour (from homosexual to heterosexual,
and everything in between) and reminded
her that her husband could indeed be attracted
to both men and women and still love her
madly. I coached her on some communication
skills and she left confident that she
could frame unbiased questions and hear
her husband’s responses. I was confident
that her healthy attitude about sex and
her abiding love for her partner would
help frame a successful, if difficult,
discussion.
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Several weeks later
she called for a second appointment. The
‘talk’ with Bob had gone well,
but she was surprised to learn that he
was not peering at drag queens at all,
but cross dressers, and the difference
is significant. Drag queens are predominantly
homosexual men whose sexual expression
involves exhibiting their feminine sides
in order to attract other gay men. On
the other hand, cross dressers (or transvestites)
are predominantly heterosexual men who
experience sexual arousal from the look
and feel of women’s clothing and
demeanor. As she learned the facts, Jane
visibly relaxed but struggled to interpret
what all this meant. If she accepted this
aspect of her loving husband’s erotic
makeup, did it make her a lesbian? Did
it make Bob less interested in her than
in her (or his!) clothing? How could she
incorporate this information into her
otherwise mainstream life? She needed
Bob’s input, and left the office
prepared with what she wanted to ask as
well as what she wanted to say.
The third time I met with
Jane, she reported that Bob had clearly
and calmly answered her questions and
settled her fears. He admitted that he
had been drawn to cross dressing from
an early age, but also knew he was a straight
man. He implored Jane to accept him as
she knew him in either persona. Such acceptance
was what he had been longing for all his
life. Jane wanted to do nothing to inhibit
or sadden her husband. Still, she knew
that inviting Bob’s alter-ego Cindy
into their bedroom meant she must examine
her own sexual definitions. She confessed
that she’d always been curious about
making love with a woman, though she had
no interest in adopting a woman-centered
lifestyle.
|
She loved Bob like
crazy and wanted to accept him as he really was.
What would that mean for her personally and sexually?
I explained that when wives discover
their partner’s cross dressing, they ultimately
have three choices: tolerate but condemn the behaviour,
leave the marriage, or accept this uncommon erotic
fetish with an open heart and incorporate it into
the whole of the marriage. The first choice takes
longer than the second to destroy the union, but
it is just as effective. Only the honest acceptance
of another person’s difference allows for
the couple’s growth. Statistics tell us
that those wives who accept their husband’s
transvestism enjoy contented, long-term marriages
with grateful, loving partners. Happily, this
is the path Jane took. I recommended some helpful
books and sent Jane home to experiment with life
with Bob/Cindy.
Bob came in next. He thanked
me for making a safe place in which Jane could
unravel her reactions to her unexpected discovery.
He explained that he had experienced the common
practice of avoiding longed-for intimate relationships
for fear of discovery and censure. In midlife
he met Jane and soon knew that she was worth the
ever-present risk. He had purged his female clothing
and limited his feminine expression to viewing
other cross dressers he could readily access on
the Net. He added that he felt truly loved and
accepted and that he and Jane were enjoying better
communication…and better sex!...than ever
before.
This might have been the end
of the story, except that Jane called for another
appointment. She arrived looking peaceful and
happy and wanted to tell me about her personal
journey. I listened intently. Jane discovered
that when she eliminated judgment about orientation
and expression from her analysis of sex, she found
that she had a ‘best of both worlds’
situation. Her disabilities, and her husband’s
stout body, had made intercourse awkward and sometimes
painful, and the stress contributed to Bob’s
occasional inability to maintain erections. Now
Bob felt freer to use his tongue instead of (or
as well as) his penis to pleasure his wife, and
consequently sex had become more adventuresome
and rewarding for both. Jane eventually welcomed
Bob’s alter ego Cindy and became involved
in helping her lover ‘dress’ for their
dates. When Bob appeared, they had heterosexual
sex; when Cindy showed up, Jane enjoyed the thrill
of ‘lesbian’ sex with her new best
friend. According to Jane, this was the best discovery
she could have made.
The last time I spoke with this
couple, they were off to Esprit,
a weeklong conference holiday designed specifically
for cross dressers and their partners. Jane and
Bob had already enjoyed clothes shopping, makeup
classes, and wig fittings together. They presented
like giddy newlyweds. My work was clearly done.
Jane and Bob made my job easy.
Not all wives can set aside their sex-negative
conditioning and homophobic responses well enough
to contemplate the value of adaptation to this
issue. Many are not sufficiently secure in their
marriages to risk such change. Conversely, Bob’s
willingness to tell all the truth while simultaneously
allowing Jane time and space to absorb his news
set the stage for successful resolution of what
might have been a divorce predictor.
Bringing cross dressing behaviour
out of the closet and sharing it with your mate
is not something to attempt unprepared. This is
an absolutely appropriate issue for which to seek
professional help from a sex therapist. With delicacy,
skill, and openheartedness, many such unions can
experience the successful resolution that Jane
and Bob enjoy.
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Walk
For Breast Cancer
Here in the lower mainland of
British Columbia, we have had one hot, dry summer.
We’ve not experienced rain for what seems
like weeks. That all changed last weekend, unfortunately
coinciding with the Walk for Breast Cancer. The
skies blackened, the clouds filled to capacity
and then dumped for hours and hours and hours.
I have a new home, hidden from
view from the street by a tall fence and luxurious
30-year-old rhododendrons and maple trees. The
only glimpse I have of the sparse traffic on my
street is through my dining room window, which
peeks through an intentional hole in the fencing.
I was drawn to this window by the rare sound of
conversations, laughter, and footsteps and, to
my delight found that the March for Breast Cancer
route traversed my line of sight. Hour after hour
a steady stream of women, men, and children trudged
by, many protected only by green garbage bags
donned like raincoats. Still, they were animated
and intent.
I was drawn from my dry and cozy
window perch to join them several times, walking
with them for a few blocks before returning home.
I was touched by the zeal and commitment these
folks demonstrated in helping to mount a truly
grass-roots effort to fund the research necessary
to find, finally, a cure for this killer we call
cancer. Oh, I had contributed money, and of course
that helps. However, witnessing group after group,
hour after hour, swelled my heart and moistened
my eyes as I thought of the orphaned daughters,
widowed husbands, and grieving friends marching
for the memory of their loved ones.
I am reminded of an old bumper
sticker that was popular a while ago: It will
be a great day when our schools get all the money
they need and the air force has to hold a bake
sale to buy a bomber. This annual march, now attended
by hundreds of thousands, raises millions of dollars
toward research. This is an example of grass-roots
enthusiasm manifesting into tangible artillery
against our enemy disease.
Several of the women in my family
have battled breast cancer and none of us is exempt.
The closer to home cancer touches, the more concerned
we become as individuals. Last weekend’s
walk signified the shared vision of every participant
that cancer can be beaten, that together we are
unsinkable, and that apathy hasn’t a chance
when we mobilize to change the world.
Thank you, walkers. Thank you,
donors. Thank you, survivors. Together we will
triumph.
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Obituary
and Comment:
The sexological community, and indeed all of us,
have lost Dr. Crick, who discovered DNA structure
with Watson. For those who are unfamiliar with
Crick and Watson's work, it is worth listing some
of the discoveries in sex research that flowed
from their discovery:
1. The identification of the sex-determining gene,
SRY, the molecular-genetic cascade that leads
to differentiation of the ovaries and testes,
and the genes which - when mutated - give rise
to intersexed conditions like androgen insensitivity
syndrome.
2. The elucidation of how sex hormones exert their
effects on target cells.
3. The identification of HIV as the causative
agent of AIDS, and the development of the HIV
test and of drugs to treat the disease. And comparable
discoveries for some other STDs.
4. The development of paternity testing.
5. The development of technologies to identify
rapists from "rape kit" samples.
6. The development of pre-implantation genetic
testing and sex determination.
7. The identification of genes predisposing to
breast and ovarian cancer.
8. The identification of a key enzyme in penile
erection, that was later targeted by Viagra.
9. The identification of the estrogen receptors
that were later targeted by breast-cancer drugs
like tamoxifen.
10. The identification of the receptor responsible
for the attraction of sperm to ova.
11. The identification of the MAOA gene that predisposes
to sexual violence.
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Toy
of the Month: Pinch n' Pleaz Vibrating Nipple
Clamps
Gender neutral, these honeys
guarantee a rush for fans of nipple play. They
boast adjustable release tension clamps, and are
multi-speed (oh my). They even come complete with
two sets of batteries. Hint: not just
for nipples anymore!
Adjustable
Release Tension Clamps
Multi-Speed
Multi-Usage
2 sets of Alkaline cell batteries
Rubber Tipped
Hands Free Operation
Quiet yet powerful
These vibrating nipple clamps add
a whole new dimension to nipple play. The adjustable
screws allow you to easily find that perfect tension
that's just right for your increased pleasure.
You'll delight in the continuous stimulation and
have your hands, and your partners hands free
for other activities.
Sleek design and high polished metal
casings make these vibrating nipple clamps not
only functional and sturdy, but also a visual
turn on for your partner.
You'll be amazed at the pleasure
these little toys can provide.
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Humour
"The Golden Telephone"
An American writer decided to write a book about famous
churches around the world, starting with a chapter on
American churches. He bought a ticket to Orlando, with
the intention of working his way North to South.
On his first day he was inside a church when he noticed
a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that
read "$10,000.00 per call". Intrigued, he
asked a priest what the telephone was used for, and
the priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven
and that for $10,000.00 one could talk to God.
At his next stop in Atlanta, the writer
saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under
it. He asked a nearby nun about it, and she confirmed
that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00
he could talk to God.
The writer saw the very same thing in Indianapolis,
Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.
Upon leaving Vermont, the writer saw a sign for Canada
and decided to see if Canadians had the same golden
telephone. He arrived in Montreal and sure enough, there
was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign
under it read "10 cents per call".
The American was surprised and intrigued so he asked
the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled
all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone
in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line
to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000.00
per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada
now, son. It's a local call."
Why Some People Live Longer Than
Others:
Five tips for women...
1. It is important that a man helps you
around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you
laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can
count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you
and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men
don't know each other.
You know you are living in 2004
when...
1. You accidentally enter your password
on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real
cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at
the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch
with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at
work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home,
you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside
line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four
years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on
the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability
to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff
and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept
nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about
forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that
never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes
from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was
no #9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check
that there wasn't a #9.
18. And now you are laughing at
yourself.
Quotes of the Month
"You know the world is going
crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best
golfer is a black guy, and the tallest guy in the NBA
is Chinese. The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France
is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want
to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America
are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?"
~ Chris Rock
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he
stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at
times of challenge and controversy. "
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Science is organized knowledge.
Wisdom is organized life. "
~ Immanuel Kant
"I have always strenuously supported
the right of every man to his own opinion, however different
that opinion might be to mine. He who denies another
this right makes a slave of himself to his present opinion,
because he precludes himself the right of changing it."
~ Thomas Paine, 1783
"Free speech exercised both individually
and through a free press, is a necessity in any country
where people are themselves free."
~ Theodore Roosevelt, 1918
"The truth is found when men are
free to pursue it."
~ Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1936
"If liberty means anything at all,
it means the right to tell people what they do not want
to hear."
~ George Orwell, 1945
"Any time we deny any citizen the
full exercise of his constitutional rights, we are weakening
our own claim to them."
~ Dwight David Eisenhower, 1963
"What is objectionable, what is dangerous
about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that
they are intolerant."
~ Robert F. Kennedy, 1964
"I have opinions of my own -- strong
opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. "
~ George Bush
"Go fuck yourself."
~ Dick Cheney, 2004
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