smartsextalk.com | smartsextalk November 04

NEW FEATURE! Case Study: The High Cost of Shame

People come to see me with all sorts of issues and problems. I remain hopeful that they will come in while the issue is still ‘new’ and can be easily resolved. Sometimes that is not the case. The following story illustrates my point.

I received a call from a man in his forties who had been married for almost twenty years. He told me he wanted to see me about a problem he’d spoken of to no one, ever. I assured him of the safe and confidential nature of my practice and booked an appointment for him.

He presented as a mild, somewhat shy man, well-educated and employed, and in good health. He described his marriage as secure and friendly, although sex had never been easy for them. He explained that he had a predilection for women’s feet, stockings, and shoes and, though his wife had indulged his desires in the early years of their marriage, he had never explained how important this erotic trigger was for him to become aroused.

As the years went on and his wife’s willingness to dress up for bed faded, he found it difficult to desire sex with her. Consequently, he retreated into a secret, silent world and met his erotic needs by taking pictures of unsuspecting women’s feet and shoes. Never had he accosted any of these women; in fact, none had ever even noticed him with his camera. More and more he used his photographs during guilty masturbation sessions; less and less did he approach his wife.

I explained that fetishes are ‘born’ early in life, almost exclusively to males, and are immutable and generally harmless. As I normalized his fetish, I watched his body and breathing relax. He explained that I was the first person with whom he had ever shared his “secret shame” (his words). When I asked him why, after all these years of a loving connection within his marriage, he had not just told his wife the truth, he responded that “I was afraid she would leave me”.

I offered to act as a conduit for information if he wished to bring his wife for a session. He admitted that this frightened him, but he promised to consider it.

Unhappily, his wife subsequently stumbled upon his photographs and small collection of women’s shoes and hosiery and reacted strongly. She confiscated his belongings, tossed him out of their home, and headed off to her therapist and lawyer in close succession. Luckily, her therapist decelerated her reactions and suggested she confront her husband about what these items signified. When ‘caught’, my client backpedalled, apologized, and asked her if she would accompany him to a session with me. She agreed.

Prior to their conjoint session, my client produced a sample of his photographs so I could determine for myself their content and import. When his unhappy wife joined us, she was confused, disappointed, and righteously indignant. She cried that she had been lied to all their marriage and had blamed herself for their unfulfilling sex life. She said that he had never shared intimately with her.

He concurred, explaining that he had been so consumed with fear and shame that he had bottled all his emotions. He had tried for years not to be discovered, and in so doing had abandoned his wife.

I explained fetishes to them and reassured her that her husband’s preoccupation with feet was neither perverse nor harmful. She visibly softened and pity began to replace contempt.

However, her rage at having been duped all these years and cheated out of a loving sexual relationship was more than she could bear. She correctly believed their marriage had been built on lies, and she was no longer interested in working things out. She agreed to return his fetish materials and to be discreet with her family and friends about the nature of the dissolution of her marriage, but she was done.

I continue to see this client to help him accept his erotic signature. I support him in his grief and encourage him to reframe his sexuality so that he can eventually find a partner with whom he can honestly and unselfconsciously share his interest. I believe he will recover and go on to form healthier relationships with a heightened self-esteem and sense of confidence, but that will take some time and some work.

The real tragedy of this case is that, had he felt safe enough to disclose his fascination with feet from the beginning of his marriage, there would have been no need for divorce. He remained silent, fearful he would lose his wife if he told. Ironically, it was because of that same silence that she left.

We don’t choose our erotic signatures, and they rarely change throughout our lifespan. If you are turned on by an uncommon stimulus, do not let shame cost more than you need to pay. Most loving partners can accommodate quirkiness; few can tolerate deceit. Learn how to broach sexual subjects and trust in your own inherent goodness. Give your loved ones a chance to expand their horizons; perhaps it will create the environment in which they can tell you their innermost sexual fantasies and together you can build a connection perfect for your circumstances. In any case, do not allow shame to silence you. The cost is far too high.