Volume
3, Issue 10, December 2004
Letter From the Editor
As you all know, Bush
was re-elected in the U.S. last month. Many have suggested
that it was the "moral" questions on the ballot
that pushed his popularity over the top. Sadly, the
fact that 11 states voted against gay marriage would
seem to support this position.
Here in Canada we are
having our own battle over the same issue, and we want
to ask our subscribers to offer their support to those
fighting for equal rights for gays and lesbians. Click
here
to read a message from Laurie Arron, the political coordinator
of Canadians for Equal Marriage, explaining the importance
of this issue, and how political action has already
impacted decision-makers. You can email your support
to your MP at www.equal-marriage.ca.
They have made it quick and easy - do it now.
~ Editor
Letter From Pega
December holds a number
of significant dates for most of us. We begin with December
sixth, the day of remembrance of the Montreal Massacre,
which now, sadly, pales compared to the horrors of the
past few years’ almost generic violence. Restrictions
on personal freedom are linked with intolerance, leading
to a horrible circle of more and more hatred and violence.
And of course December
marks the celebration of christmas about which we tend
to choose sides, either bah-humbug or full-tilt. Let’s
remember that this often-fractious holiday will pass,
leading to our year-end celebration of New Year’s
Eve. As you know, I’m a big fan of resolutions.
They provide a chance to make one-year goals, and to
review what we’ve accomplished in the past year.
How many of 2003’s resolutions did you tick off?
How many will you jettison and how many will carry over?
What new goals do you have?
December also means another
year closes on this monthly newsletter. I love finding
and saving the bits that go into each bulletin. Clients’
concerns often seed my ideas articles, and the newly
added case studies (are you finding them helpful?) are
intended to familiarize people with how the therapeutic
process actually works. Thank you all for your continued
support.
I wish you all a
peaceful and prosperous year filled with love, happiness,
and great sex!
~ Pega
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Hot
Topic: Shouter or sulker? How do you
experience anger? |
Try as we
might to keep our emotions in check, we
invariable get irritated and sometimes succumb
to expressions of anger. Just as we are
wired from birth with our particular temperaments
and personalities, so do we display our
individuality in our anger styles. We learn
these as children, watching our elders deal
with difficult situations. We can usually,
for instance, recall Mom’s and
Dad’s modes. In fact, we probably
knew them well enough to manipulate them
to our best advantage, or at least, we learned
when to get out of the way!
People are
defined by two distinct and diverse anger
styles, the shouters and the sulkers. Neither
of these terms is completely accurate, for
‘shouters’ don’t always
raise their voices, and ‘sulkers’
don’t always pout and retreat in silence,
but the terms will work for our discussion,
and the descriptions call to mind appropriate
pictures of what goes on when the lid blows
off.
Shouters appear
to fill with anger and then spill over.
Words spew, often accompanied with frantic
hand gestures and contorted facial features.
The language can be uncomplimentary and
vivid. Non-shouters, or those targeted by
the shouter’s anger, generally retreat
into protection mode and try to sort the
profanities from the messages. Those messages
are often difficult to discern, and it is
best to wait for the storm to subside before
attempting to have a rational conversation
with the shouter.
Sulkers, on
the other hand, ‘lose their words’
and are struck dumb with the effort of forming
a coherent thought to express. Emotions
fill sulkers, choking off their ability
to speak. It’s not that they are unwilling
to communicate–they feel unable to
do so. Sulkers need time, and often solitude,
to quiet their emotions and collect their
thoughts. They can then return to the scene
and discuss the issue rationally. They cannot
do this when heightened emotions frighten
and silence them. Sulkers’ retreats
are often viewed by an irate shouter as
running away from the problem; shouters
want to settle the issue right now! Sulkers
just can’t do that.
How, then,
can a shouter live harmoniously with a sulker?
Understanding the different expressive styles
helps, as does agreement about how to fight
constructively. This negotiation must be
done when no one is angry. For instance,
the sulker would reassure the shouter that
they will return to tackle the matter, after
a cooling off period.
As to how
a sulker lives with a shouter, we view the
other side of the coin. The sulker needs
to learn not to take the fiery outbursts
personally, and optimally allow the shouter
a few minutes of venting before taking leave
of the scene.
For their
part, shouters can agree to monitor name-calling
and plate pitching in exchange for an audience
that will permit angry expression for a
limited period. It’s true that when
the sulker returns, calmed and prepared
to deal with the argument, the shouter has
often moved on to other things and must
be brought back to the topic. But all this
is workable.
Giving our
partners the respect they deserve goes a
long way towards resolving the issue at
hand. When shouters are granted a few minutes
of angry spewing, and sulkers are afforded
some time to settle down, both feel validated.
This method reduces the escalation of the
argument and affords both sides the focus
needed to reach resolution.
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Articles
of the Month
An
article
about an operation that changed the
appearance of a man's tattoo; patient
claims he is now "gay".
Odd news, with some interesting subtext.
Interesting
article
on the psychology behind advertising
campaigns for Viagra, Levitra, and
Cialis. Learn how advertisers negotiate
how to talk about sex.
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Research
of the Month
A story
from the New Scientist validates that
lesbians raise well-adjusted children...
...And
in related news, as reported in the
Washington Post story, "Sex
Ed Silliness in Texas", students
from the "red" state may
be treated to a revised brand of sex
"education".
...And
an academic perspective
on the gay marriage issue.
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New
AIDS Research
A recent study
suggests that circumcised men are
less likely to get AIDS.
French
researchers have some success with
AIDS virus-blocking antibodies. Read
about it here.
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Even
More Research of the Month
Yet another possibility
to the answer
of what makes us gay....or straight....or
not.
The CBC posted this
story on the health risks of injectable
contraceptive to their website earlier
this month. Dr. Ren notes that as
with all health-related issues, the
risks and benefits must be weighed.
She urges intersted parties to discuss
the options with their doctors.
Read
an article published in The Economist,
that suggests that single
mothers are more likely to have daughters,
and offers a biological explanation.
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What
about two of one variety? What then?
When there are two
shouters involved, there’s lots of noise,
then often hot sex.
With two sulkers, we find lots of silence, and
feelings of abandonment and futility. Without
a plan about when the fighters will reconvene
to hash out the problem, they often encounter
lack of resolve and distance regarding sex. Indeed,
sex becomes apology, often intimate and bonding,
but sometimes a substitute for needed verbal communication.
Communication
and respect for differences is the key to fighting
fairly and respectfully. Good relationships require
good communication and acceptance of differences.
Anger is healthy and unavoidable. Violence, of
course, is not, and we must all draw the line
about what sorts of expression are acceptable,
and which are not. Still, accepting our opponent’s
anger style, and knowing they will accept ours,
creates an environment of care and nurture. It
takes practice to learn how to build the best
of relationships. Fighting styles are just one
more piece of the glorious puzzle that we call
love.
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Upcoming
Appearances
Dr Ren can be found
at City University again this month. This time
she will be a guest lecturer at the Masters' level
students' Couples Counselling course on December
4, 2004, speaking on The Dynamics of Sex Therapy
in Couple's Counselling.
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NEW!
Case Study: Unnecessary Anguish
- A Story about Sexual (Non) Communication
I received a call from Anna,
a woman in her sixties. Recently diagnosed with
a terminal illness, she was busy tying up the
loose ends of her life. She explained that she
owed her daughter an apology, and had owed it
for four decades. Because her offence involved
(indirectly) sex, she asked my help in communicating
her regret to her daughter.
I saw Anna solo for the first session,
when she told me her story. When her daughter
Jill was in elementary school, she had
provided respite care to her sister’s
teenage son while his own family weathered
a rancorous divorce. Her daughter and
her nephew Colin became fast friends despite
their age difference and Jill was frequently
a happy sidekick to Colin.
One day Jill returned from school and
announced that she was going to have a
baby. Ann chuckled dismissively, but asked
why Jill would think such a thing. It
seems the mother of one of Jill’s
classmates had announced the coming of
a new baby brother or sister, and explained
how that had happened. The grade schooler
had shared this titillating information
with her fellow students at lunchtime.
Jill insisted that she must be pregnant,
for that is just what she and Colin had
been doing.
Anna swallowed hard, but acted quickly.
Colin was on the next bus back to his
own home. She took young Jill to the doctor,
who proclaimed (within the youngster’s
hearing) that he detected “No damage.”
Anna and her husband agreed never to mention
Colin, or the incidents that led to his
departure, again. Anna forever after stewed
in guilt for not protecting her daughter.
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Fast-forward forty years.
Because of her illnes, Anna feels compelled
to apologize and explain to her daughter.
She yearns for Jill, now a mother herself,
to understand her regret for her lack
of protection. Anna and I practice what
she will say and book an appointment for
her and her daughter.
Anna and Jill arrive. Anna
is intent and serious; Jill is apprehensive
and confused. She knows of her mother’s
serious illness, and she knows this is
about something else….but what?
After a heartfelt preamble, Anna apologizes
to Jill.
Jill looks stricken. She
falls back, silent, her face a collage
of emotions. Eventually she cries, “But
Mom, he never hurt me! He did nothing
to me….only with
me. We were just playing doctor, just
experimenting. We were just a couple of
curious, uninformed kids. I loved him.
I never understood why you sent him away
and never spoke of him again. I was sure
it was because of what I had done. I’ve
blamed myself all these years. Why didn’t
you just ask me?!”
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Anna and Jill
experienced their mutual grief, regret, and sadness,
eventually coming to an acknowledgment of Anna’s
good intentions and Jill’s childish naiveté.
Giving up any hope of having a better past, they
cried together over their mistakes and vowed to
talk about everything….everything!….in
the time they had left together.
Unfortunately,
Colin had died in an accident some years before,
so they were unable to make their amends to him.
Still, a forty-year-old misunderstanding was undone,
and mother and daughter shared a sympathetic appreciation
for the value of open, honest communication.
The moral of this story is simple:
We must be aware of the silencing effect of our
societal shame about sexuality. When faced with
tough situations, we must dare to meet them head
on. Not all is as it seems. Talk with your children,
your mothers, your friends. Supportive, open communication
leads only to clarity and appropriate action.
Do not let this family’s sad tale be repeated.
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Link
of the Month: BBC.co.uk
- Relationships
One of the most
frequently-asked questions we get here is "What
does a sex therapist do?" The BBC Online
throws in its two pence - and comes up with some
very useful information about the field. Find
this link permanently on our "So you wanna
be a sexologist" page.
Resource
of the Month: SickKids.ca
Barbara
Neilson announces the launch of an interactive
web page on genital
development, to help parents who have a child
born with a urogenital condition. This is a part
of the child physiology project at Hospital for
Sick Children in Toronto, that seeks to provide
clinicians with animated interactive teaching
aids for parents and patients.
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Birth
Control Update:
Below you will find
an email communication from Dr Linda Hendrixson
(Assistant Professor, Health Education Department,
East Stroudsburg University) regarding statistics
on the efficacy of various birth control techniques.
It's fairly dry reading, but offers current and
accurate data that can help us determine our best
choices.
~
I have the 17th edition of Contraceptive Technology-1998.
It lists the failure rate for typical use of "periodic
abstinence" (just avoiding intercourse during
ovulation) as 25% (% of women experiencing unintended
pregnancies in the first year of use). So, typically,
it's 75% effective, so to speak.
CT lists the failure
rate for perfect use of "periodic abstinence"
as between 1% and 9% (91%-99% effective) depending
on which fertility awareness-based method is used:
Calendar method: Typical use=13% failure rate.
Perfect use=9% failure rate.
Ovulation method-assessing
cervical mucus: Typical use=20% failure rate.
Perfect use=3% failure rate.
Sympto-thermal
(measuring basal (resting) body temperature +
assessing cervical mucus): Typical use=20% failure
rate. Perfect use=3% failure rate.
Post-Ovulation
( I presume this means restricting intercourse
only to the days after ovulation has occurred):
Typical use=no failure rate noted. Perfect use=1%
failure rate.
It must be noted, however, that CT takes its typical
use failure rates from national surveys done in
1976, 1982, and 1988. Perfect use failure rates
are the best "guesstimates" of the authors.
Obviously, more up-to-date data are needed for
typical use failure rates for this and other methods
discussed in CT. Perhaps the 18th edition, recently
published, sheds more light on the subject.
Regarding continuous
abstinence, the goal of abstinence-only programs:
Advocates
for Youth carries a report dated 9/27/2004
called "Five Years of Abstinence-Only-Until
Marriage Education: Assessing the Impact,"
which is a good analysis of short-term and long-term
effects of a number of these programs in thirteen
states. From the conclusion of the study: ".
. .none of these programs demonstrates evidence
of long-term success in delaying sexual initiation
among youth exposed to the programs or any evidence
of success in reducing other sexual risk-taking
behaviors among participants." It is a worthwhile
report to read.
So far, then, continuous
abstinence, at least among youth in many abstinence-only
education programs around the country, is showing
a high typical use failure rate.
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Toy
of the Month: Flex-O-Pleaser
This is one of the few toys I've found that addresses
the needs of the disabled population. Hooray!
It is not, however, limited to anyone in particular....this
toy is versatile, practical, and can enrich your
sexual experiences.
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Humour
An atheist was walking the woods, thinking,
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!"
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards
him.
He ran as fast as he could, but soon enough the bear
was upon him. The atheist tripped and fell, and when
he rolled over the bear right on top of him, reaching
for him with his left paw and raising his right paw
to strike him.
At that instant he cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came
out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years,
teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation
to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out
of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said,
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask
You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could
you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together,
bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive
from thy bounty through Christ, our Lord, Amen."
Mammograms
While
it's true we generally look forward to our annual mammograms
with as much enthusiasm as vacuuming the car, it can
help to find the humour in this excursion. Here's a
letter I received that made me chuckle with recognition.
I hope you enjoy it....and that it reminds you to keep
up with your mammograms!
"I
know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram
appointment! I chose a seat next to a man and
his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations
were so comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten
why I was there and asked the man. So...what are you
here for?
Talk about a showstopper.
Dead silence just as Nurse
Ratchet announced my name in her best baritone voice.
I thought, Great.....a name to match the idiot. I rushed
past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy.
Rounding the corner, I
was met with, Hi ! I'm Belinda! This perky clipboard
carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one
side and crooned, Allll I need you to do is step into
this room right herrre, strip to the waist, thennnn
slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?
I'm thinking, Belinda...try
decaf. This ain't rocket science.
Belinda skipped away to
prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect
a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy
cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds.
Also, girls aren't made
of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's Spandex.
We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold
4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into
shape.
With the right side finished,
Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,
Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?
Fine, I answered. I was
freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the
remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish
me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied
gravity when we heard, then felt, zap! Complete darkness.
What? I yelled. Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they
hit a snag. Belinda headed for the door.
Excuse me! You're not
leaving are you? I shouted.
Belinda kept going and
said, Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide open so
you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt
backkkk. Before I could shout...NO; she disappeared.
And that's exactly how
Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found
me, half- naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws
of Life. After exchanging polite Hi, how's it going
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my
utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying
to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness
as possible. Uh,yes...yes we did, thanks. You bet, Bubba
replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been standing
in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda
breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt
to suppress her amusement, she said. Oh I am soooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you!
And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?
And that, Your Honor,
is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...
"
Quotes of the Month
"The art of acceptance is the art of making someone
who has done you a small favor wish that he might have
done you a greater one. "
~ Russell Lynes
"Who controls the past controls the future; Who
controls the present controls the past."
~ George Orwell, in 1984
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