Volume
4, Issue 1, January 2005
Letter From the Editor
Happy new year! There's
something about the end/beginning of the calendar year
that brings out the best in people. Many of us feel
a sense of relief at surviving the holiday season. Resolutions
are made; a sense of newness fills us with hope. Now
is the time to make big changes and to renew our commitment
to our goals. For many, this means paying attention
to our health. To get you started, we've included a
section on health-related resources.
Here at smartsextalk we
wish all our readers success in facing the challenges
and rewards of this new year.
Enjoy the newsletter,
~ Editor
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Hot
Topic: The Tao of Personals |
Each new year
opens full of promise and possibilities.
For many of us, our resolutions include
finding a lover. Aside from living in a
culture that embraces couples, our biological
inclination is to mate. Even if we prefer
being single, we long for friendly companionship
and gratifying sex.
How
do we go about finding a significant other?
There are
many ways to meet new people, the Personals
ads being one of the most direct and pragmatic.
When I suggest this route to my unhappily
single clients, they often respond that
it's "unromantic". Let's talk
about that.
Personal ads
are, let's face it, ads. We are advertising
ourselves and soliciting our perfect match.
It is a business transaction. Many of us
are quite unused to defining ourselves in
terms of marketable attributes; in fact,
we tend to put ourselves down, concentrating
on our failures rather than our features.
Composing a personals ad requires our taking
inventory of our favourable aspects and
listing them boldly. We need to morph our
modesty into assertiveness and pride, so
that we can sell ourselves well. It is a
marvellous exercise in self-esteem!
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Articles
of the Month
Ebb
and flow, ebb and flow. Kinsey
brings sexology to moviehouses throughout
North America; conservatives panic.
Read
Frank Rich's article.
Last
month we mentioned the role that same-sex
marriage may have played in the outcome
of the US election. This article,
published in the Roman Catholic newspaper,
The Tablet, explores the
differences in attitudes between Canada
and the US.
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Research
of the Month
Once
again, the BBC offers up some interesting
research.
Check out their take on the difference
in courtship rituals between men and
women.
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Then
there's asking for what we want, another underdeveloped
social skill, and an exercise in self-awareness
and critical thinking. We believe (it's that romance
myth) that if you really, really love me, you'll
just know what I want. Mind reading is not a human
skill. We need to hone our comfort about being
truthful when expressing what we want, confident
that our requests will be acknowledged and, hopefully,
honoured. Direct requests make for so much less
confusion and disappointment. Still, we sometimes
feel anxious being candid, accustomed as we are
to being socially coy when it comes to dating.
And just what is
it we are seeking? What is important to you in
a relationship? What are your primary values?
How would you define your lifestyle? Are you looking
for a date, a mate, or a tennis partner? Your
ad will change, of course, depending on your target
audience. If you are seeking a sexual partner,
at what point do you identify your sexual preferences?
How important are looks, education, class, race,
age, temperament, hobbies and passions? Must you
share everything, or are you the independent sort?
Do you crave similarity or difference? How would
you like your new lover to present to the world?
What would really thrill and excite you? Answer
these questions before penning your ad, and try
to draw an accurate picture of the person you
are looking for. If the readers of your ad recognize
themselves in your description, they will be encouraged
to reply, and your new suitor will have already
passed through a number of your own chosen 'filters'.
A well-written ad will garner you the best response.
It is really quite an efficient system.
When we actually
meet, we can evaluate our sexual attraction. That
chemistry is the magic that either is there or
is not. When we spark, we fill with anticipation
and optimism. When we don't, we sometimes try
to pretend it doesn't matter, that perhaps that
part will grow in time. Possible, but uncommon.
It takes care and attention to maintain the sexual
heat in a relationship past the limerence
phase. We need all the initial electricity we
can get to establish our sexual rhythms firmly
in our new relationship. Trust your sense of attraction;
it is a biologically implanted tool that serves
us well.
Then there's that
swoony, heady feeling we so love when we meet
an attractive person and they reciprocate. Romance
is the behaviour that follows. It is not romantic
to play hard-to-get; it is self-defeating. Courtly
behaviour thrills some of us and bores others.
Determine your style, but be willing to experiment.
The early days of an affair are filled with exuberance,
experimentation, and adventure. Indulge in it!
Play! But do not mistake this bliss for love,
which takes far longer to develop. Assess and
reassess the path this new alliance is taking.
Be willing to say goodbye if your 'must haves'
are not met. Moreover, be flexible about the inevitable
differences you will discover. The exquisite attention
romance delivers can turn our brains to mush.
As long as we continue to check critically as
we progress from casual to serious dating, we
can fully embrace the heady delight of newfound
'love'.
Personals
ads provide a pond in which to fish. They encourage
us to present ourselves in our best light and
to define our goals. Many happy couples have met
online. It's a working system. Consider this medium
to help move you along the courtship path.
© Pega Ren. 2004.
All Rights Reserved.
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Movie
Reviews
I saw three films of note during
this past month, each of which, in its own way,
made a point about sexuality.
The first was Vera
Drake, a homely little movie about
a perfectly ordinary, albeit functional, family
and their fall to ruin because of the matriarch's
pragmatic charity. Set in the days before Roe
v Wade, Vera Drake introduces us to Vera's community,
in which women troubled by an unintended and unwanted
pregnancy search through the grape vine for someone
to help them out with their problem. That's Vera,
who performs abortions freely and for free. Her
service is simply part of the rhythm of life.
Until there's trouble. A good film to see with
your girlfriends, your mother, and your daughters.
You're guaranteed a thoughtful discussion afterwards.
The second film was Shall
We Dance (2004), a remake of an
equally expressive Japanese movie of the same
name done some years ago. The story is of a mild-mannered
executive's fascination with a dance teacher he
views each night from the window of his commuter
train, and his eventual secret involvement with…not
the girl….the dance. Why a secret? Ah, that's
the subtle and powerful twist. Dance for our hero
is about passion, long ago faded from his life
and no longer realized in his marriage. The dancing
is magnificent, overflowing with fun, sensuality,
rhythm, and accomplishment. The film reminds us
that sexuality occurs wherever we embrace it,
and that it is a life-giving, celebratory source
of erotic expression.
As a sexologist, I'd been scouring
the ads awaiting the arrival of Kinsey
in my city. I was heartened to note that, even
at an early evening showing on a Wednesday night,
the theatre was about two-thirds full, surely
not all sexologists! Aside from the movie's sensitive
and accurate portrayal of Kinsey as a consummate
scientist, we see Laura Linney give soul to the
little-known Mrs. K. The political repercussions
of revealing men's sex lives in 1948 (overwhelmingly
positive) and women's sex lives in 1953 (operations
shut down immediately) highlight the influence
of politics over hard and social science in matters
pertaining to sex. Another thought-provoking pick
at the box office.
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Site
of the Month: The
Art of Loving
The Art of Loving
posted these statistics about sex. Dazzle your
friends with your knowledge of sexual trivia!
- Women are most likely to want sex when they
are ovulating.
- Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be
interested in a one-night stand than those with
only a Bachelor's degree.
- The left testicle usually hangs lower than the
right for right-handed men. The opposite is true
for lefties.
- 14% of males said that they did not enjoy sex
the first time. 60% of women say they did not
enjoy sex the first time.
- The initial spurt of ejaculate travels at 28
miles per hour. By way of comparison, the world
record for the 100 yard dash is 27.1 miles per
hour.
- Every day, 200 million couples around the world
have sex, which is about over 2000 couples at
any given moment.
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Resource
of the Month: TransKids.us
This is, to my knowledge,
the first web site produced by homosexual male-to-female
transsexuals for homosexual male-to-female transsexuals.
It contains fascinating material on the sociopolitical
relations between homosexual and autogynephilic
transsexuals, at least as these are perceived
by the homosexual transsexuals.
The site is written
by the five people listed in the faqs: some teenagers
and some adults. The writing is sometimes superb
and applicable to a wide age range. The site offers
an interesting glimpse into the interaction between
distinct groups of transsexuals, the sociology
of transsexualism, and the role of the helping
professions.
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Health Sites of the Month:
Health
on the Net Foundation
A non-governmental organization to help users
with all things to do with health.
Quackwatch
"Your Guide to Quackery, Health Fraud, and
Intelligent Decisions"
The
Arthritis Society
Extensive arthritis information and resources.
BC
Health Guide
The online version of the Government's health
resource.
KidsHealth
Children's health is extremely important; visit
KidsHealth for information and resources. Bonus:
the site has a section for kids to explore on
their own.
Mayo
Clinic
World-renowned health resources.
Susan
Love, MD
Information, resources, and news about women's
health. Join Dr. Love in her quest to end breast
cancer.
WebMD
Extremely comprehensive online health resource.
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Roe
v. Wade Update:
On the twenty-second
of January, the United States will be celebrating
the 31st anniversary of the historic decision
of Roe v Wade, which won American women the right
to choose the outcomes of their pregnancies. Canada
had been a vanguard in this legal movement, granting
Canadian women the right to access to abortion
services in 1969. Indeed, most of Europe and Japan
had legalized abortion by the mid-seventies.
President Bush has made no secret
about his hope to overturn Roe v Wade during his
term of office. Globalized fear of bogeymen (communists,
terrorists, perverts) tempts us to opt for surveillance
instead of rationality. Let's remember how difficult
is was to bring equality to our laws, and how
easy it is to be apathetic. If you care about
this issue, do something…anything. Use your
pen or your voice or your vote to uphold the right
to make personal decisions personally.
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Products
of the Month:
P-Mate
Urban living make you crazy when you have to
pee and can't find a discreet place to do so?
Tired of peeing on your shoes? Transgendered and
needing a bit of help in public washrooms?
Have I got a product for you! P-mates, a cheap,
effective, discreet, portable 'sleeve' that slips
into your pants via the zipper opening (or under
your skirt) and allows you to pee standing up
with nary a drip or splash. They fold flat and
can be tucked in your purse or, in a pinch, in
your sock (smart girls keep a couple in the glove
box, too). My only complaint? They're florescent
green, so hardly subtle (I've spoken with the
distributor, who promises to pass my comments
on to the manufacturer....stay tuned for a new
and improved drabber version).
Pre-Seed
The following review was offered
by a couple who tested this product generously
supplid to them by Libida.com.
My husband and I were trying
to conceive for 2 months when we read that virtually
all commercial lubricants have a sperm-immobilizing
effect (and not just the ones with sperm-killing
nonoxynol 9). Apparently, though not advertised,
popular commercial lubricants create a barrier
that interferes with sperm mobility and motility.
Interestingly, it doesn't matter whether the lubricant
feels thick or gooey or thin and slippery, they
all have this
undesired effect for couples wishing to conceive.
In reading books on fertility, we learned that
the only alternative was to use raw eggwhites....not
the most user-friendly of methods....this was
until Pre-Seed, a "sperm-friendly" lubricant
came onto the market. We had a chance to test
this product in our third month of trying to conceive
and became pregnant that same cycle. Whether that
was due to the change in lubricant is hard to
tell, but it certainly didn't hurt. We really
liked the feel of the pre-seed. It was thin and
slippery and stayed effective.
The only thing I didn't like was the packaging.
It came in a large white squeeze-tube
which resembled a yeast-infection cream dispenser.
The instructions advised to use the whole amount
in one use, unnecessary as they supplied enough
lubricant for 4 or 5 uses. The applicator had
a plastic break-off "nub" which, once
broken, makes the cap useless, so we kept the
applicator open-end-up in a glass on our bedside
table, so as not to waste the unused product.
Also, since the tube was white, we couldn't tell
how much product remained, so we just hoped that
when we squeezed, there was enough for one more
use.
I would recommend this product to anyone trying
to conceive, as it takes the pressure off one
more obstacle to getting pregnant: vaginal dryness
associated with sex on demand, and the worry,
if you're a regular user of lubricant, that you
are somehow interfering with your own best efforts
to conceive.
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Humour
The following is supposedly
an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why
we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell
exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote
proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
when it expands and heats when it is compres sed) or
some variant.
One student, however,
wrote the following:
First, we need to know
how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go
to Hell.
With birth and death rates
as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell
to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding
at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding
at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate
given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
"it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you, and take into account the fact that I slept with
her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus
I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting
any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being
which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
This student received
the only "A".
Quotes of the Month
"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment'
is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved'
- the pig was 'committed'. "
~ Unknown
"Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized
life. "
~ Immanuel Kant
"When you're at
the top, life is no longer based on whether you are
going to get it but whether you're going to lose it."
~ Anonymous
"The conventional
view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.
"
~ John Kenneth Galbraith
"Don't be afraid
to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small
jumps. "
~ David Lloyd George
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