Case Study: Love In The age of AIDS

I received a call from a secure, successful, middle-aged businessman, anxious to book an appointment. He explained that he faced a difficult decision and wanted some help to examine his options.

Marcus presented as personable, outgoing, and self-assured, though his outward appearance masked a tortured inner conflict. Marcus had grown up knowing he was attracted to men more than to women. He explained that, if he had felt it safe, he would have exercised his preference, but feared social and family censure. His family’s expectations had been clear: he was to become educated, assume the family business, marry ‘well’, and produce at least one son to ensure the legacy. He had dutifully accomplished this.

At fifty he crashed. Though his denial of his sexuality had been effective until this point, he now felt strongly drawn to other men. His marriage had paled, his children were grown, his business was secure. Buying expensive toys had failed to displace his longing for a reciprocal sexual relationship. He had separated from his wife and begun educating himself on what it would mean to lead a gay lifestyle. He began a series of cautious affairs. He felt, finally, ‘at rest’ with his sexuality, and thought of love wistfully, though only occasionally.

Now at fifty-five, he found himself with an unforeseen dilemma, caught in a ‘be careful what you wish for’ situation. He had met Trevor through his work and they had become fast friends. Mutually smitten, they soon began dating. To his surprise, Marcus fell in love. The problem? Trevor was HIV positive. When dating casually, Marcus was responsible and comfortable with requisite safer sex techniques. But being in love with someone positive was very different. He called me for help in deciding his next move.

Marcus and I discussed the challenges and risks of sero-discordant (or mixed status) couples. We talked about the irresistible nature of love’s attraction. We considered options. We planned how Marcus could best negotiate these troubled waters. He opted to bring Trevor with him to a session in which he would admit his fears and, hopefully, find ways they could safely and happily be together.

Marcus arrived anxious with the curious Trevor. I was struck by how well matched they were, like salt and pepper shakers newly united. They were clearly crazy about each other. Marcus, having practiced in our previous session how to broach the subject, launched quickly (and sometimes tearfully) into his dilemma, telling Trevor of his fear of loving someone HIV positive. Trevor listened patiently, then, in an act of heartbreaking sweetness, took Marcus’s face in his hands, looked directly into his eyes, and said, “Have you wondered why I’ve not asked you your status? It’s because I assume that anyone I’m with has every STI I don’t want and I behave accordingly. There are no guarantees, but I have had many years to learn about this disease and its responsibilities. I’ve had to come to terms with my sexual essence turning to poison. Had I met you earlier in this process, I’d not have been prepared to accept this challenge. I am now. Love can’t be prevented, but transmission can. I also understand the enormity of your risk: not only might you contract this killer from loving me, you may lose me to death before my time. It’s a raw deal, but it’s the one we’ve got. I hope we’re up to the challenge.”

To balance the emotional appeal of Trevor’s words, I suggested they inform themselves about how serodiscordant couples cope. I recommended several Internet sites and suggested they contact local gay centres regarding groups for couples living with HIV. They left my office with the goal of tempering their fear with pro-active acceptance. I hoped they would inform me of their progress.

I did see them again, several months later. We reviewed their relationship’s strengths and vulnerabilities, and all agreed that they had the knowledge and skills to weather this storm. Marcus reported that he felt happier than ever and mourned only that he may well lose his beloved Trevor to this horrid disease. Trevor admitted he had given up hoping for such a love as he had found in Marcus, and vowed to make every moment together count. Well maintained with antiviral medications, Trevor may well live as long as Marcus. Regardless, this couple now concentrate on quality rather than quantity. Despite their complicated beginning, they had forged a strength in their union that many couples never attain. They have a good chance to enjoy a meaningful and loving relationship for many years.

© Pega Ren. 2004. All Rights Reserved.

Sites of the Month:

eGratification.com was launched New Year's Day of 2005, promising sex-positive information and sex toy goodies. A site worth watching.

Y? Forum, the first and only site of its kind, gives you a way to ask people from other ethnic or cultural backgrounds the questions you've always been too embarrassed or uncomfortable to ask them.

Book of the Month:

Fearless Sex: A Babe's Guide To Overcoming Your Romantic Obsessions And Getting The Sex Life You Deserve

SmartSexTalk has featured the book How to be a Babe by Dr. Joy Davidson in the past. This link will take you to a place where you can order her new and improved edition of the same book, with more of the author's input and finely crafted writing. Worth a second read!

Product of the Month:

Life Story Videos

The product of the month for this issue is Life Story Videos, a service offered by video producer Diane Hollands. She designed a twenty-minute video for me to celebrate a family wedding, and I was completely impressed with her professionalism, artistic and design acumen, and most of all, the quality of the video itself.

Diane will take your old family photos, video clips, and even those old fashioned movie clips from your childhood and turn them into a show stopping production complete with the music of your choice and graphics to show it all off to perfection. She’s doing another video for me now to commemorate a new baby. Surely there’s something in your life you’d like showcased. Diane makes it easy.

You needn’t be local (Vancouver, BC) to make this happen. Diane can design and implement eye-popping videos and DVDs with directions from you, using materials you post to her or send via Internet.

Contact Diane at Life Story Videos at 1-866-321-0100, toll-free from anywhere in North America, and visit her website at www.LifeStoryVideos.ca.

Article of the Month:

American Television Politics

From the newsletter, Sexual Intelligence (issue 59), written by Dr Marty Klein, comes this insightful and frightening account of American television politics:

"With all the hysteria about alleged "filth" on the airwaves, CBS and NBC have finally provided clear examples of broadcast indecency. They refused to run 30-second ads from the United Church of Christ showing that they welcome all people, regardless of ability, age, race, economic circumstance or sexual orientation.

The networks gave a succession of bogus reasons, starting with advertising policy, then saying tolerance was "too controversial", and finally telling the truth--that they were responding to government pressure regarding the upcoming fight over same-sex marriage. Said CBS, "...[because] the Executive Branch has recently proposed a constitutional amendment to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, this spot is unacceptable for broadcast."

Here's a chance for the FCC to pay attention to something that actually matters: federally-licensed broadcasters limiting the messages American viewers can see because of a government position on its content. This smells exactly like the government preventing news organizations from videotaping coffins coming home from Iraq.

As interviewer Terry Gross and others have said, the rules for TV and radio are now so unclear that self-censorship is the most rational policy for broadcast corporations. And ultimately, self-censorship is the most dangerous kind, because it's far less visible, and the government can't be held accountable for it.

Another ugly example of this is the sudden withdrawal of "Saving Private Ryan" from TV in many cities. Its realistic language--if someone were trying to kill you, you might say "fuck" also--has attracted the interest of obsessive curso-phobes, who apparently believe that hearing a special combination of letters actually destroys brain cells and civilizations.

Ironically, stations around the country were set to broadcast "Saving Private Ryan" last month as a tribute to our soldiers abroad. Apparently, the freedom they're fighting to give the Iraqis doesn't apply to their families back here. They'll have to settle for beer commercials to feel appreciated.

If ads declaring that a church accepts everyone regardless of circumstances is too controversial, does that mean an ad declaring that a church discriminates is acceptable?

If only the FCC were chaired by someone who really understood the mandate of "public good--someone like Jesus."

To subscribe to this thought-provoking newsletter, go to Newsletter@SexEd.org.

On the recent tsunami disaster:

Tearing open our presents on Christmas morning, we were unaware that half a world away, our planet had suffered a broken heart, causing a wall of tears to wash over the Pacific islands, bringing incomprehensible sorrow. By New Year’s Eve, we all knew. We responded at the grass roots and governmental levels, digging deep to help pay for the cleanup and rebuilding. By the middle of January, Canadians alone had donated the equivalent of $18.00 for every citizen in the country. Bravo! Still, let’s not forget how necessary ongoing support will be. It will be months, possibly years, before those quiet islands rebuild normality. The tsunami brought us up short. We had forgotten about natural ecological disasters and were reminded how powerless each of us is. It has caused a societal shift in consciousness, I believe, as we collectively grieve. How can this softening be anything but good? Even the darkest clouds have silver linings. Our human family has stumbled, but not fallen. Collectively, we can recover.

~ Pega