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Volume
4, Issue 3, March 2005
Letter From the Editor
This month's letter is
chock-a-block with good news from Canada...and - er-
contrasting news from the States.
~ Editor
On February 16, 2005 Canada's
Prime Minister, Paul Martin, addressed the House of
Commons endorsing Bill C-38 (The Civil Marriage Act).
You can read it yourself here.
I am pleased to share this speech with you. How
refreshing to enjoy sensible politics in a hate-mongering
world. I'm hoping that other countries will increasingly
look to Canada in determining their values.
I place this item first
in this newsletter, in a position of primary importance,
because Prime Minister's speech represents the basic
philosophy of Smart Sex Talk: that in
a sane and just world, all people are equal and entitled
to equal rights and responsibilities. The PM himself
admits his struggle with this issue, yet states eloquently
that freedom must best prejudice. We would all do well
to follow his honourable lead and fearlessly examine
our beliefs for exclusionary bias.
Bravo,
Mr Prime Minister. Bravo, Canada.
And in contrast...a story
from the States.
~ Pega
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Hot Topic:
Intergenerational Strife |
When we find
ourselves in a new relationship, we reorder
many aspects of our social lives. Our friends,
who recognize the lovesickness and remember
their own indulgent affairs, forgive us
for disappearing for six months or so while
we establish connection with our lover.
As we settle into the rhythm of our new
romance, we reconnect with our social circles
and life resumes its customary patterns.
Usually, our friends welcome us back and
life proceeds enriched but familiar.
What happens,
however, when we encounter a friend who
stubbornly refuses to applaud our good fortune?
Worse yet, what can we do if our family
disapproves?
We usually know precisely why our parents
withhold approval. Perhaps our new love
is different in some way from our family’s
vision of our perfect mate. They may be
of the ‘wrong’ race, gender,
religion, socio-economic class, age, or
ethnicity. Perhaps they have a ‘past’.
Perhaps your folks will give you no other
reason than, “I don’t like him/her.”
Sometimes you might suspect there really
is no good reason. Perhaps the rebuff is
fuelled by unhealthy expectations and/or
control issues within your family.
You
are torn. Of course you want your family’s
approval. You hear such platitudes as “Blood
is thicker than water” or “You
get only one mother.” You listen to
your family’s concerns, weigh their
arguments fairly (unless you are still in
the throes of limerence
, in which case you are deaf, dumb, blind,
and stupid and should refer to this article
in another year or so), and reassess your
new partner’s strengths and vulnerabilities.
Eventually, you make a choice. Regardless,
you continue to massage and foster the interaction
between the family you love and the mate
you’ve chosen.
In most cases,
when parents see that their children are
truly content, they relax whatever objections
they had. Hearts soften and observations
of a happy relationship override prejudicial
hostilities. Time heals rifts that previously
looked unbridgeable. But what if that is
not the case?
What if your
family pulls the loyalty card and demands
your allegiance? What if they label your
mate as the cause of their unhappiness?
What do you do if you’re caught between
your family of origin and your family of
choice? No one envies this position, but
for many it is a painful reality. Now we
must muster our best negotiating skills,
foster all parties’ best behaviour,
and forgive what we may view as petty complaints. |
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Articles
of the Month
The
good news is that Canadians can now
legally masturbate. The bad news is
that this is progressive legislation.
Read
all about it.
And
in more weird-but-true news from the
States...read
about the illegality of sex toys.
Research shows the sexes are subtly
different (duh). Actually, a thoughtful
and well-written article
about a controversial topic. See the
Sex I.D. survey listed under Sites
of the Month below, to find out your
brain sex.
The
Darwin Award winner of German
politics. Beaurocracy at its best....er...worst.
Still, if we want to encourage
sex-positive values and equality,
we must consider
this
conundrum seriously.
This
article
from the New York Times takes a fresh
look at the politics of homosexuality
- through the eyes of kids.
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Research
of the Month
Dr.
Sharon Lamb of St. Michael's College
in Vermont is conducting a study on
child sexual play. To participate
in the research, click here.
Women
have borne the responsibility
since time began for controlling
their fertility. Research has
not looked very seriously for male contraceptive
measures for several reasons, not
the least of which is that men, without
the personal threat of pregnancy,
might not be committed to maintaining
the regimen. Now, however,
researchers have happened onto some
interesting findings...
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However,
when your family refuses to honour your choice
of life mate, you are the only one who can decide
what to do. Each of us knows deep in our hearts
if we are truly happy in our relationship. Good
partnerships are rare, built with attention to
detail, openheartedness, and honest communication.
If you are wise and lucky enough to have landed
a good one, take stock of what is on the line.
If your family of origin demands you choose between
your mate or them, you might have to do just that.
This is sometimes
an unfortunate and unfair cost of attaining adulthood.
If you cannot redirect the control issues inherent
in this sort of argument, you may have to pay
the enormous toll of losing an original family
home to establish a chosen one. Try to maintain
some cordial contact so that either side has the
option of backing down while saving face. It is
a tightrope dance, and one we hope never to have
to perform. Still, parents normally do not reject
their children unless they really believe they
are doomed, and children do not rebuff their original
families until every other alternative has been
exhausted. Assess your situation critically and
fearlessly, and, if you are sure your mate choice
best suits your needs, defend it valiantly. Keep
your primary relationship unassailable. Your mate,
your children, and hopefully even your disapproving
parents will admire your conviction and devotion.
Build as many bridges as possible, but refuse
to sacrifice your adult love for parental approval.
Hopefully, this will be the most difficult decision
you ever have to make. Optimistically, both you
and your parents will eventually accept that you
made the correct one.
This column would
be incomplete without a word to the parents caught
in this struggle. It is important for you to remember
that you ultimately have no choice in the matter
of your children’s choice of mates. If you
raised your kids to think for themselves, you
must support their decisions and not burden them
with your negative thoughts. Holding your tongue
may well be the best choice, unless you have evidence
of real harm. Remember, the time you have for
turning your children into the people you want
them to be ends when they leave home. That’s
all the time you get. After that, your job is
to accept, support, and nourish your adult children’s
choices.
Intergenerational
difficulties are heartbreaking. Do all you can
to mend, heal, and foster a supportive environment.
If you believe that the relationship is toxic,
you may have to choose. Everyone can’t win
all the time. Sometimes cutting your losses is
the only way to save yourself.
© Pega Ren. 2005.
All Rights Reserved.
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Movie
Review: The Woodsman
THE WOODSMAN: A
PARABLE*
Months ago, a colleague invited
me to a showing of The Woodsman at a
film festival, described as a sympathetic view
of a pedophile. Kevin Bacon and his real-life
wife Kyra Sedgwick starred. How could such a provocative
subject be filmed dispassionately? Alas, I missed
the showing, probably my last chance, for surely
mainstream film moguls would never adopt such
a controversial film.
Happily, I was proven wrong when
The Woodsman opened recently in theatres.
I saw it immediately, fearing (correctly) that
it would not play long. I invited several friends
to join me, each of whom responded with some form
of “A sympathetic look at a pedophile? Are
you nuts? I think they should all be…..”
So I went alone, and found myself among only twenty
other moviegoers. At the close of the film we
all sat still as the credits rolled, unable to
move until our emotional reactions settled. I
regretted that I did not have a group with which
to discuss the movie afterward.
One of Odeon Film’s promotional
flyers for The Woodsman summarizes the
theme:
“After twelve years in prison, convicted
criminal Walter (Kevin Bacon) returns to his hometown
to try to start a new life. Despite an optimistic
beginning – the support of his family, his
new job and a new romance – Walter soon
realizes the past cannot be forgotten. Living
in constant fear of his history being discovered,
Walter’s inner demons taunt him, threatening
his new life and challenging his resolve to fight
his obsession. Controversial in subject matter,
The Woodsman presents an unnerving, yet hopeful
portrait of compulsion and hard-won redemption
as it follows one man’s struggle to start
over.”
Walter’s pedophilic orientation
demands his constant monitoring. When he is drawn
to a lonely little girl with an overly attentive
uncle, we watch him struggle to understand her
perspective and weigh this against his compelling
desire. He becomes enraged with himself and his
kind, paying with isolation for his troubling
attractions. No happy Hollywood ending here. We
accept the permanence of Walter’s torment.
We begin to understand.
This film is a parable about
‘coming out’ to ourselves and to others.
Substitute gay or lesbian (or kinky or paraphilic
or …..) for pedophilia and we see the inexorable
and often painful process of accepting our individual
sexuality contrasted to society’s definition
of ‘normal’. Given that today’s
culture increasingly defines ‘normal’
as two people, one of each gender, married (to
each other), male dominant, between 20 and 50,
engaged (only) in penis-in-vagina sex, there are
a lot of us in the other club. The film’s
use of pedophilia as an example of non-normative
sexuality was brilliant. We see Walter compassionately,
and we learn our capacity for acceptance. When
we become empathetic with a child molester, or
to use David Steinberg’s term, designated
pervert, we realize that a hated stranger is no
more and no less than another flawed human being
like ourselves.
The Woodsman is disturbing
because of its incendiary subject. Our culture
condones our fear and hatred of pedophiles and
this film challenges that stance. It would be
a hateful bigot indeed who could not see Walter
sympathetically. Though we abhor the consequences
of his erotic signature, we can no longer dismiss
him. A change of perspective can be unsettling,
but always enhances our wisdom.
For those whose sexuality separates
and isolates them, The Woodsman’s spellbinding
story is a parable for understanding internalized
homophobia and the effects of the coming out process.
For those who view sexual alternatives harshly,
it is a reminder of our common human existence
and a caution about judgment and prejudice.
The Woodsman is a quiet
but important film. I urge you to see it.
*Parable: a simple story illustrating a moral
or religious lesson.
[If you'd like
to receive Comes Naturally and other writing
by David Steinberg regularly via email (free
and confidential), send your name and email
address to David.
Past columns are available at the Society for
Human Sexuality's "David
Steinberg Archives".
Three books edited by David -- "Photo Sex:
Fine Art Sexual Photography Comes of Age," "Erotic
by Nature: A Celebration of Life, of Love,
and of Our Wonderful Bodies," "The Erotic Impulse:
Honoring the Sensual Self" -- are available
from him by mail order. Descriptions and ordering
information are posted at www.sexuality.org/l/davids/en.html,
www.sexuality.org/l/davids/ei.html,
and www.sexuality.org/l/davids/ps.html.]
© Pega Ren. 2005. All Rights
Reserved.
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Humour
Need
the inside of your monitor cleaned?!
(Requires Flash
Player)
~
The cabin door opens.
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide
dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle
with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin,
but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the
engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching
for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster
down the runway, and the people sitting in the window
seats realize they're headed straight for the water
at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into
the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that
moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat
into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the
plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind
pilots turns to the other and says, "You know,
Chuck, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late
and we're all gonna die."
~
Two bees met in a field.
One said to the other, "How are things going?"
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The
weather has been cold, wet, and damp, and there aren't
any flowers, so I can't make honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just
fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until
you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on
and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee,
and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again.
The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was
everything you said it would be. There was plenty of
fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every
table."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked
the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee.
"I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
~
Thought for the day...
There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them.
Quote of the Month
"Who
controls the past controls the future; Who controls
the present controls the past."
~ George
Orwell in 1984
"Relationships
are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, the day before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp."
~ Bob Ettinger
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy
is the same."
~ Oscar
Wilde
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need
a place."
~ Billy
Crystal
"The conventional
view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.
"
~ John Kenneth Galbraith
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