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Volume 4, Issue 4, April 2005
Letter from the Editor
Hello Subscribers! Welcome
to the April issue of our newsletter. Spring appears
to have (finally) arrived - a most welcome development
after a long, hard winter.
Some of you may have noticed
that we have added sitemap pages to each section on
the web site (get to them by clicking on the top-level
button). We added these pages to enable those of you
with JavaScript disabled to access our content, and
because we realize that the site is growing exponentially,
and with it, our menus. These pages provide an at-a-glance
map to each site section.
For a short time last
month, a couple of the sitemap pages (the one in the
Perspectives area, most notably), were miscoded. Thank
you to the subscriber who brought this to our attention!
The issue is now resolved and we invite you to try out
this new feature.
Enjoy the newsletter,
and keep your comments coming,
~ Editor
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Hot Topic:
Banishing Bedroom Boredom |
When we meet
someone new and are all fired up with anticipation
and trepidation, it is easy to make sex
rapturous. In the early stages of courtship,
we spend long, languorous hours in bed,
fascinated with our new lover and the magic
we are making. Sex is a priority and a thrill.
Fast forward
a few years. At this point we either can’t
remember his/her name (or wish we couldn’t)
or are still waking up next to each other.
If our relationship has survived the limerence
stage and we’ve established a long-term
relationship, chances are we wistfully remember
that initial period but are no longer experiencing
it. Sex moves to the back burner, overshadowed
by daily commitments and responsibilities.
Sometimes in the choice between sex and
sleep (an easy vote in the early days),
sex loses. How could sex have become boring?
Sexual boredom
has many faces, and none of them smiles.
Though we enjoy the consistency of our long-term
relationship, predictable sex robs us of
the opportunity for erotic exploration and
removes the titillation of anticipation
and longing. We need to shake things up.
I understand it can be intimidating to introduce
a sex toy, for instance, if we have never
used one before. How do we slip even an
innocuous toy like the Fukuoku
into foreplay gracefully? Baby steps.
We can start
with exchanging full body massages eroticized
with warm oils. When that goes over well
is a good time to suggest further exploration.
Surely we can banish fear about taking a
risk with our most intimate friend. |
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Articles
of the Month
Britain joins the ranks of those countries
supporting equal rights for all
by legislating Same-Sex Civil Unions.
Frightening
statistics
for all women, and especially
for those of childbearing age. The
Battle of the Sexes epitomized.
Caroline
Gallup will never have her husband's
baby, because he produces no sperm.
Now the couple fear that a shortage
of donors means they won't be able
to start a family at all. As you read
this
story of the sadness that can
accompany something that for most
of us comes effortlessly and sometimes
unwanted, consider whether you might
become somebody’s hero.
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Research
of the Month
Does
size matter? And how big is big? Join
over 2,500 other men who responded
to the Penis
Size Survey, or visit to learn
what is statistically "modest",
"average", or "endowed".
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Look at a sex store
website together
and each choose one item for yourself and one
for the other. Then talk about the choices you’ve
made. Voila! Sexual communication! Make it fun…it
will banish sexual boredom.
Another passion
killer is a consequence of knowing each other’s
bodies so well that we become efficient at moving
from a ‘come hither’ glance to orgasm
in ‘quickie’ time. Quickies can be
great fun, but a steady diet of them is not. Unlike
efficient sex, hot sex demands time and attention.
Target sex, a close relative of efficient sex,
develops when each partner does the absolute minimum
to get the job done. When we just want to get
it over, we are merely sexual robots. Women often
describe this as feeling like a receptacle; men
must feel similarly. Target sex impresses neither
side. It is very different from what sex can be
if we refuse to get lazy.
Speaking of lazy….it
does us all good to remember how it used to take
us three hours to prepare for a sexual date. It’s
a long slide to simply turning over! When we are
in the throes of lust, we overlook little flaws
in our beloved, choosing to be amused rather than
annoyed by (an excellent perspective to maintain!).
Years later, softened by time and familiarity,
it does a relationship good when we keep ourselves
in the best physical shape possible and doll ourselves
up for a night of romance.
Regardless of how
we get lazy, the cure is rekindling the erotic
sizzle of days past. Plan an evening of languid
bathing one week and don stockings and a garter
belt for a night of dancing the next. Hint for
guys: send your honey a bouquet of flowers with
a hotel room key attached or invite her to a sexually
based seminar …kissing, perhaps? Be
creative.
The big cost of
sexual boredom is the loss of the mutual connection
that new sex inspires and long-term sex manifests.
If we find that sex lacks deep emotion, admiration,
and appreciation, it is time to take stock. Sexual
excitement can be easily reignited by changing
behaviours and attitudes, given the fertile soil
of love and commitment. If your relationship is
solid and you are just stalled, get to it!
© Pega Ren. 2005.
All Rights Reserved.
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Case Study: BUMPS:
Normal Variations
It is a rare client that does
not bring to the therapeutic process some gem
that reminds us how similar we all are. Though
the details vary, we all tell stories about common
themes. One of those is body image. A client recently
came in because of what he believed to be a defect
in his penis. He was a healthy young man, well
spoken though shy, who was somewhat sexually inexperienced
and tortured by what he called “dots.”
These were raised shiny points on the skin around
the base of and part way up his penis. He hadn’t
noticed them on the other fellows in the locker
room and was “always nervous” about
them. He had become so anxious, in fact, that
he had experienced a period of erectile dysfunction
(a fifty-cent word for ‘can’t get
it up’), which was threatening his new romance.
This client, Bob, had seen his
doctor and proved healthy. I would not otherwise
have agreed to treat him for ED without an exam
to rule out physiological causes.
Because Bob’s erectile
dysfunction was so clearly linked to his anxiety
around his new romance, I assured him that when
he relaxed, the problem would resolve. However,
Bob needed a guarantee of an erection and to this
end, I suggested he ask his doctor for a sample
prescription of Viagra. I explained that Viagra
produces good erections, but does not make good
lovers, so we worked on some relaxation exercises
to help him stay in touch with his body responses.
Knowing an erection was certain could relax him
sufficiently that he really could enjoy the sex.
Sometimes just having the pill in your pocket
is enough. Viagra and relaxation is a good combo
for situational ED.
But back to the dots. Bob described
the dots but I did not know what they could be.
I can’t know it all (though, yes, I can
hear it all) and part of a sexologist’s
job is to keep abreast of research and stay in
touch with the sexological community to find and
disseminate resources. Information can be difficult
to find and to filter for accuracy and lack of
bias. It is the reason that resources are listed
and updated on www.smartsextalk.com. I researched
‘dots’ and learned that they could
be one of several normal variations. I printed
pictures and showed them to the client. He immediately
identified one and rejoiced with relief. He is
normal after all! Now he realizes that he can
explain the dots to sex partners (...if they notice,
I suggest. Our flaws are always grander in our
own eyes). Bob leaves happy and two weeks later
reports that his confidence about having Viagra
available and his acceptance of his body has translated
into carefree sex. This was one instance in which
solving a physical problem resolved an emotional
one.
The lesson is that without information,
we weave our own explanations. If you are struggling
with a sexual question, get some help to find
the answer. You may be carrying an unnecessary
burden. Suffering may be optional. Sex is as complicated
as any other part of life…let’s not
let sexual shyness stop us from getting the information
we need to enjoy our bodies to their fullest potential.
© Pega Ren. 2005. All Rights
Reserved.
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Call for Participants:
THE LEGAL RECOGNITION OF SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS
Are you a lesbian mother (biological or non-biological)
who has a child conceived via:
* artificial insemination (including self-insemination);
or
* in vitro fertilization?
If so, I want to hear from you!
I am a PhD candidate at the UBC Faculty of Law,
conducting a project on the
legal recognition of lesbian and gay parents.
I would like to interview individual lesbian mothers
(whether in a relationship or not), lesbian couples
with children and, where possible, sperm donors
to lesbian mothers.
The goals of the project are:
* to investigate how the concepts "family",
"mother", "father" and "parent"
are understood and utilized by lesbian and gay
parents;
* to determine what, if any, legal arrangements
lesbian and gay parents make
to protect their families and why;
* to determine how lesbian and gay parents might
envisage law reform directed
towards recognizing and protecting themselves
and their children, focusing on who should be
covered by same-sex parenting laws and how legal
recognition should be achieved; and
* to produce a law reform agenda around the issue
of legal recognition of lesbian and gay parenting
relationships.
Your participation would involve a 60-90 minute
taped interview that would cover the topics listed
above. The interview would be conducted at a time
and place that suits your schedule. No knowledge
of the law is needed.
Further information, including information about
the researcher, can be found on the study website:
fjkellybc.tripod.com
For more information, or to find out if you are
eligible for the study, please contact:
Fiona Kelly
parentingstudy@yahoo.ca
Ph: 604 731 3637
All phone calls and emails are confidential.
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Conference Information:
From the FTM 2005 Conference Organizers, www.transconference.org,
comes this announcement:
FTM 2005: A Gender Odyssey is
a national conference for masculine-identified
people who were assigned female gender at birth.
It is place for us to gather together, share our
lives, speak our truths, learn from one another,
and celebrate our communities. This conference
offers workshops addressing the practical aspects
of trans lives, including: legal issues; intersections
of race and gender; coming out to family and friends;
transitioning at work; hormones and surgery; and
dating, sex, and relationships. Accompanying events
include a vendor fair, art exhibit, cabaret, all-ages
dance, and much more. The conference will be held
on Labor Day weekend, Sept. 2nd-5th.
Now in its third year, Gender Odyssey
is expanding and moving! In order to
accommodate our growing numbers, we will schedule
a third full day of programming and relocate to
the Washington
State Convention and Trade Center. Most workshops
and panels offered at this conference are selected
from our attendees’ own programming submissions.
In addition to other topics, we invite workshop
proposals to address the issues of the older and/or
post-transitioned FTM and the complex needs of
families.
Gender Odyssey is pleased to have Kate
Bornstein as our keynote speaker. Kate
is a high femme, transsexual dyke performance
artist, author, playwright, and social activist.
The focus of Kate’s work has been locating
and vigorously promoting common ground among outsiders
of all sex and gender variations. She is the author
of the groundbreaking books, Gender Outlaw
and My Gender Workbook. Her current work
includes a new solo show, “Kate Bornstein
Is a Queer and Pleasant Danger” and a new
book in the works, Hello Cruel World: 101
Alternatives to Teen Suicide.
This conference is also open to anyone
interested in the topics to be covered. Whether
you are new to thinking about your gender, well
established in your chosen gender, FTM, trans,
genderqueer, MTF, part of an these communities
because of the people you love, or simply questioning
the role of gender in your life, FTM 2005: A Gender
Odyssey, is open to you.
Please plan to attend!
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Toys of the Month:
Two toys for men this month, each offering something
a little different, and surely pleasing.
This toy has been featured in our toy store for
years, but it deserves a special mention.
Aneros: Increase
the intensity of your orgasms and learn to have
multiple orgasms through prostate stimulation.
This bestselling toy is anatomically designed
to massage the prostate from three sides. The
main arm massages the prostate directly while
a second arm stimulates the other side by tickling
the perineum. A curly handle allows for easy penetration,
removal, and manipulation alone or by a partner.
Women find it also a pleasure both anally and
vaginally. It is approximately one inch in diameter
and has an insertion length of approximately four
inches.
Adonis Pouch: He'll feel like a Greek god cloaked
in a sleek latex sheath that cradles the testicles,
providing gentle pressure and warmth. Turn it
on for the sex toy equivalent of X-ray vision:
a small vibrator tucked right in the pouch that
will send him into orbit.
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Humour
About two years ago my
wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean
aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly
woman sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway
in the main dining room. I noticed that all the staff,
ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all seemed very
familiar with her, so I asked our waiter who the lady
was. He said he only knew that she had been on board
for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining
room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say
hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've
been on this ship for the last four cruises." She
replied, "Yes, that's true - it's cheaper than
a nursing home."
So, there will be no nursing
home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going
to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for
a nursing home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations
at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior
discount price of $135 day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities, which will
only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle
to the restaurant or I can have room service (which
means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week.)
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout
room, free washers and dryers and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.
5. They will treat you like a customer, not a patient.
An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff
scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.
7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have
the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything
and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels
every day and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip,
you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on
the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite
for the rest of your life.
Do you want to see South
America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand,
Asia or…..? Princess will have a ship ready to
go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call
shore to ship.
PS: Don't forget, when
you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.
~
This story is indeed funny.
In real life, however, poor sexuality education is not.
The following tale is the response of a young mother
when asked if she had a problem discussing sex with
her children:
Yes, I have a problem. This problem first
came to light five years ago with the birth of Diane,
our youngest child and only daughter. When the boys
came to the hospital to see their new little sister,
I proudly unwrapped her to show her off in all her glory.
Baffled by a yet unseen anatomical part, one of the
boys pointed to her in his innocence and said, "What's
that called?"
Perhaps my answer was the result of a
gruelling birth or rampant hormones affecting my cognitive
skills, but my future track record leads me to believe
that it was the beginning of my total inability to discuss
sex with my children. So I gave them what I thought
was a brilliant answer.
"I don't know, “ I said. "Ask Mrs. McBride
[a neighbourhood mom]. They seemed to accept this as
a good answer and I breathed a sigh of relief, having
adroitly handled a difficult situation.
Now, if I had really thought this out I would have realized
that my second son, Fraser, would never let the issue
die. A week later he came home from school, unable to
conceal his new-found wisdom. Mrs. McBride had unwittingly
offered the boys a ride to school and Fraser had seized
the opportunity to pop the question. Mrs. McBride, who
obviously handles these situations far better than I
do, opted for the truth.
So Fraser had his answer. I asked him what Mrs. McBride
had said it was called. "Her China," he proudly
reported. Well, it could have been worse. I figured
China was kind of cute, so from that day on, Dallas
had a China. All was going well until we took the kids
to a department store for a family photo. As we sat
waiting for our turn, an announcement came over the
PA system. "Would Jim Johnson please report to
the china department..."
Three little suit-clad boys got a look on their faces
I only wished the photographer could have caught. They
all began to snicker. Finally it was Paul who asked,
"You mean they have a whole department of them?"
~
A little boy got on the bus, sat
next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his
collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore
his collar that way. The priest said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear
his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I
am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My dad has 3 boys and 2 girls and
he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the
Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his
book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking, then leaned over
and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards
instead of your collar."
Quotes of the Month
"Condoms should be used on every conceivable
occasion"
~ Anonymous
"In the End, we will remember not
the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
"
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
"There are two kinds of people who
never amount to much: those who cannot do what they
are told, and those who can do nothing else. "
~ Cyrus Curtis
"Change does not
necessarily assure progress, but progress implacably
requires change. Education is essential to change, for
education creates both new wants and the ability to
satisfy them. "
~ Henry Steele Commager
"A Succinct Summary
of the (US) Election
The Democrats' mistake
was in thinking that a disastrous war, national bankruptcy,
erosion of liberties, corporate takeover of government,
environmental destruction, squandering our economic
and moral leadership in the world, and systematic Administration
lying would be of concern to the electorate.
The Republicans correctly
saw that the chief concern of the electorate was to
keep gay couples from having an abortion."
~ Anonymous
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