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Volume 4, Issue 7, July 2005
Dear Subscribers;
Welcome to the July
issue, and Happy Pride season!
We trust you will enjoy
this issue. By popular demand, we have a part two of
The Lost State of Dating. In case you missed it last
month, you can check out part one here.
We at smartsextalk labs
need a break! This is our fourth year running and while
we love putting together our monthly missive, we simply
need a month off. So, this will be our last newsletter
until September. Look for an announcement again in two
month, and until then, enjoy the summer!
As always, we welcome
your feedback. You can reach me at editor@smartsextalk.com
with any questions or comments.
~ Editor
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Hot Topic:
The Lost State of Dating, Part Two
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Though I believed
that last month’s Hot Topic was complete,
more and more thoughts on dating kept bubbling
up--enough, in fact, to warrant another
article.
Time after
time, couples lament the failure of their
relationships and endure months or more
of hard-time grief when those around them
wonder only how they stayed together as
long as they did. From the outside, those
unions are obviously flawed and doomed.
Why can’t we see this from the inside?
A major reason
for this lack of insight is our expectations
of how the process works. Steeped as we
are in the myth that “someday my prince
will come,” it is amazing that we
spend so little time defining the attributes
of princes. If we make a list of the qualities
we require in a mate (and refer to that
list at the appropriate moment!), we save
ourselves and others much grief.
What are you
looking for in a mate? How does that differ
from what you seek in a date? You may not
care how your date gets along with her family
or his employees, but those interactions
will surely impact a long-term relationship.
How we get along on Saturday night is important
in dating, but how we live together as roommates
looms large in marriage. How do you both
manage money? What political and philosophical
values do you share? What about lifestyle
questions? If your idea of a perfect holiday
is planting a new garden and your lover’s
is a Caribbean cruise, you are heading for
conflict or separate vacations!
None of these
attributes matter much if you are ‘just
dating,’ a fact we tend to forget.
We can enjoy enormous fun playing with others
whose differences preclude them from being
our mates, but only if we stay clear about
our agenda. In a society that equates kisses
with contracts, becoming sexual with someone
can elevate them to mate status inappropriately.
This is culturally ingrained, especially
for women. “But,” you argue,
“I just can’t sleep with someone
for the fun of it! That makes sex UNspecial!”
Bollocks. Sex is special if the chemistry
is there. Have we not learned that using
sex as currency (I’ll give you sex
if you’ll give me love) doesn’t
work?
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Articles
of the Month
Diabetes
may be a threat to male sex drive.
Read
about it.
This
article,
published in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution,
discusses the American Psychiatric
Association's endorsement of same-sex
marriage.
The
New York Times reports
on an emerging trend: surrogate mothers
for same-sex couples.
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Research
of the Month
A review
of recent research on what makes some
of us gay, written with humour. Quite
interesting concepts, here.
Female
Orgasm in Genes: Though the headline
is an attention-grabber, and though
the research
seems sound, beware anything that
hints at a single source (or cure)
for sexual dysfunction. We humans
are far too complicated to be so easily
understood. Note well the last two
sentences.
Great
article,
titled "Watching New Love as
It Sears the Brain", looks into
limerence.
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Site
of the Month
Finally!
A sexual health PSA that's, well,
sexy. Click here.
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Of course each of
us must decide what elements we require to agree
to sex with another person, and we get to make
that decision with each person and each encounter.
Sex, however, does not promise love. Never has.
We must remember not to get hooked emotionally
when the hook is actually the intensity and fusion
inspired by new sex. Is sex a part of love? Surely,
but making sexual intimacy the only requirement
for mate status is wrong-headed thinking.
The trick is to
evaluate each relationship critically, regardless
of whether it is sexual. If you are seeing someone
with whom the sex is memorable but his/her housekeeping,
or work, or drinking habits drive you nuts, do
NOT try to shove this person into your Prince
box. Disaster is guaranteed.
That is why we have
dating, a system in which we can try people on
for fit. Real compatibility is rare, and requires
‘kissing a lot of frogs’. We are foolish
to ignore signs that we are poorly suited with
a new lover, and we risk this if we must continue
with them exclusively because we have had sex.
It is not the best measure of compatibility. We
are wise to hold out for the whole package.
If we consider sex
as only one of the many ways we learn another
person, and if we believe that sex is healthy,
natural, and good, then we are free to judge our
compatibility on more rational bases. We get into
trouble when we pretend a relationship is what
it is not, which we can easily do if we define
it sexually. We all know (hopefully) about safer
sex practices, so sex no longer need be the defining
factor in our relationships. We will all be happier
when dating replaces the madness of serial monogamy.
We can now have
sex early when we are mutually attracted, yet
we still think that that sex requires an exclusive
commitment. When we stop defining our perfect
match as the person with whom we are having sex,
we allow each relationship to be realistically
whatever it is, and not unrealistically more.
When we locate someone who is actually primary
partner material, we can negotiate an exclusive
contract if that is what we both want. How much
more honest this method is! How much more honouring
of individual differences it is!
I am aware that
this philosophy is uncommon. Some of you may be
lamenting the time when a woman did not agree
to sex until she was guaranteed a wedding ring.
Those days are over…it’s time our
attitudes more closely matched our behaviours.
It is time we wait for a (near) perfect fit in
our relationships and stop expecting sex to answer
the question of whether a union is worth pursuing.
Dating can
be fun. Sex can be fun. Love can be fun. They
are not necessarily overlapping. Let’s do
ourselves the honour of keeping them separate
and waiting for our real Princes to appear before
limiting ourselves to only one choice.
© Pega Ren. 2005.
All Rights Reserved.
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Announcement:
SmartSexTalk has a NEW affiliate!
Check out Tickled
Pink Toys. Based in Vancouver, BC, Tickled
boasts competitive pricing and excellent service.
Look for recommended toys like this month's featured
product, the FeelDoe.
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Upcoming Appearances:
Dr Ren's book review
of Deviant Bodies: Critical Perspectives on
Differences in Science and Popular Culture
has been published in the April 2005 issue of
The Archives of Sexual Behavior, Volume
34, Number 2, pages 259-261.
Stay tuned for the
August issue of Chatelaine Magazine, where Dr
Ren is the featured sexologist, discussing body
language. Find this intriguing article on the
Sex and Relationship page and learn what it means
when that fellow you're talking to stands with
his hands in his pockets or fiddles with his glass.
When it is available, Smart Sex Talk will provide
a link directly to the article. Check back for
details! |
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Announcement: Pride
Volunteers
I am so impressed by
the multitude of Pride Festivals posted here.
Contrasted with the political and social flavour
of even a few decades past, this is (r)evolution
indeed. The 25th Anniversary of the Stonewall
riots spawned festivals all across North America
the last weekend in June. With same sex marriage
clearing Parliament momentarily (keep those cards
and letters going, kids), gay rights seem undeniable.
Truly we have reason to celebrate.
If you want to celebrate for FREE,
and get into the hottest afterPride parties, read
on…
~
From Alan Sanders--please respond
directly to him at asanders@northwestern.edu:
Dear Readers,
Our research group is attending various Pride
festivals in June 2005 and beyond to recruit subjects
for a linkage study of gay brothers. We are seeking
someone to help us out at each event below distributing
brochures and collecting names and contact information,
for which we will pay $100 and also the cost of
the ticket/pass if any needed to get into the
festival, along with up to $20 worth of food/beverage
during at the festival. If you or anyone you know
(such as students, research assistants, etc.)
might be interested, please contact Alan Sanders
directly at asanders@northwestern.edu
See below for the cities, along with the dates
and the festival web-sites:
Saturday 06/04/05 and Sunday 06/05/05 - Kansas
City, MO – helpers needed per day:
1 - http://www.kansascitygaypride.org/
Saturday 06/04/05 - Nashville,
TN - helpers needed per day: 1 - http://www.nashvillepride.org/
Saturday 06/11/05 and Sunday 06/12/05 - San
Jose, CA - helpers needed per day: 2
- http://www.sjgaypride.com/
Saturday 06/11/05 - Brooklyn,
NY - helpers needed per day: 2 -
http://www.clearviewfestival.com/
Sunday 06/12/05 - Washington,
DC - helpers needed per day: 2 -
http://www.capitalpride.org/
Saturday 06/11/05 - Boston,
MA - helpers needed per day: 1 -
http://www.bostonpride.org/
Sunday 06/12/05 - Philadelphia,
PA - helpers needed per day: 1 - http://www.phillypride.org/
Saturday 06/11/05 - Sacramento,
CA - helpers needed per day: 1 -
http://www.sacpride.org/
Saturday 06/18/05 and Sunday 06/19/05 - Portland,
OR - helpers needed
per day: 2 - http://www.pridenw.org/
Saturday 06/18/05 - Cleveland,
OH - helpers needed per day: 1 -
http://www.clevelandpride.org/
Saturday 06/25/05 and Sunday 06/26/05 - San
Francisco, CA - helpers
needed per day: 2 - http://www.sfpride.org/
Friday 06/24/05 and Saturday 06/25/05 and Sunday
06/26/05 - Atlanta,
GA - helpers needed per day: 2 - http://www.atlantapride.org/
Saturday 06/25/05 and Sunday 06/26/05 - Toronto,
ON - helpers needed
per day: 1 - http://www.pridetoronto.com/
Saturday 06/25/05 and Sunday 06/26/05 - Minneapolis,
MN - helpers
needed per day: 2 - http://www.tcpride.org/
Sunday 06/26/05 - New York,
NY - helpers needed per day: 2 -
http://www.clearviewfestival.com/
Saturday 07/02/05 - Malibu,
CA - helpers needed per day: 1 -
http://www.atbla.com/
Friday 07/08/05 and Saturday 07/09/05 and Sunday
07/10/05 - London,
ON - site leader: Alana Kolundzija - http://www.pridelondon.ca/
Sunday 07/31/05 - Vancouver,
BC - helpers needed per day: 2 -
http://www.vanpride.bc.ca/
Sunday 08/28/05 - Ottawa, ON
- helpers needed per day: 2 -
http://www.prideottawa.com/
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Toy of the Month:
Feeldoe
This month’s pick for
toy of the month is the silicone Feeldoe, an ingenious
and ergonomic upgrade on other dildoes. The feeldoe
is simply the best double-ended dildoe I’ve
found, and it’s perfectly designed for strap-on
use, with or without a harness. It is designed
with one penis-shaped section and one with a thick
bulb and a narrow neck. The wearer inserts the
egg-shaped part into her vagina (aren’t
you glad you practice those Kegels?) and the penis
part sits at an angle much more like a real erection
than is true with other dildoes and harnesses.
The toy feels like a part of the wearer’s
body and, as both people feel the same sensations
during movement, the action feels mutually enjoyable
and intimate.
This is a grand toy for lesbians, but should
not be overlooked by the heterosexual community.
The feeldoe would add a touch of discretion and
class to ‘bend over, boyfriend’ antics.
Another small but important detail about this
toy is that, when the penis shaped part is inserted
in the ‘receiver’ with the ‘operator’
sitting between her lover’s legs, the bulbous
part serves as an ergonomic and effective handle.
Add to this a bit of styling on the toy itself
that makes the bottom of the feeldoe look for
all the world like another vulva, and you’ve
got yourself a keeper.
You can order this fine toy from our new affiliate,
Tickled
Pink Toys. Competitive pricing and
excellent service make Tickled Pink Toys worth
a look.
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Humour
Upon hearing that her
elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grand parent's house to visit her 95
year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked
how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love
on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told
her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear,"
replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it
was when the church bells would start to ring. It was
just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing
too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong."
She paused to wipe away
a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Quotes
of the Month
Love doesn't make the
world go 'round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
~ Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960)
Select a few people to
be particularly kind to today, those you were a little
harsh with yesterday.
~ Norman Vincent Peale
The chains of habit are
too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be
broken.
~ Dr Alessandria Graziottin
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