Volume 4, Issue 10, November 2005

Letter from the Editor

Dear Readers,

This month we have several exciting items to report, as well as a jam-packed newsletter.

I’m thrilled to announce that there is now another venue in which you can read Dr. Ren's columns. Beginning with the November 10^th issue of Xtra West, Dr. Ren will be contributing a monthly column entitled ‘Ask the Expert’ on topics relating to sexuality and relationships primarily relating to the LBTGQ community. Please check it out!

In other news, you can now hear Dr. Ren exclusively on www.radiogay.ca, Thursdays at 7:30pm Pacific Time during "Unglued", the political talk show with Herman and Glenn.

Good news for book-lovers: smartsextalk is now an Associate in Amazon's vendor network, which means easy access to recommended books, along with specials and promotions for our subscribers. Check out this month's recommended read below.

We've got smartsextalk merchandise! Check out the brand new Smart Sex Talk store, for t-shirts, totes, throw pillows, and more. And stay tuned for new and exciting designs!

Finally, we are now affiliated with Dr, Gary Schubach's site, DoctorG.com - check out his store here for quality items, and watch this space for Dr. Ren-recommended products like this month's featured film, The O Tapes.

Here's to a great November!

~ Editor

Message from Dr. Ren

Last month's Hot Topic generated a number of questions about how parents should name body parts for their children, particularly those body parts relating to the genital areas. I was indeed disappointed with the actor's response to her young son's question about what to call his penis. "Peepee" was the name her husband decided was appropriate.

What, you asked, would I suggest? I propose you give your child as comprehensive a vocabulary as possible. You could say something like this:

That part is called your penis, but some folks refer to it as a wiener, or a dick or a cock or a schlong or a prick. In our family, we call it a ______ (fill-in-the-blank).

You can use this same method for all body parts, which not only gives your child full information but also de-sensationalizes 'naughty' words (if you can say them, they'll not need to). You'll be glad for this when they skip the stage of chanting forbidden vocabulary to watch you turn green!

Thank you for your feedback! It helps me keep Smart Sex Talk attuned to your needs. Always happy to hear from you.

~ Pega

In Memoriam

Last week Rosa Parks, the black woman who refused to give up her bus seat in 1955 to a white man and thus ignited the Civil Rights Movement, died at the age of 92.  Fittingly, Mrs Parks is the first woman to lie in state in the rotunda in Washington.  Here's to all the brave men and women who have resisted oppression and made the world a better place for all of us.

Hot Topic: Fluid Bonding This month’s Hot Topic is wed to our case study because a therapy session prompted the theme for this column. I spoke with a woman, Pam, who came to see me about two years after her divorce. She felt she had completed her grieving process and had recently begun to date again. She was moving cautiously and trying to make good decisions. She was concerned about how to broach the topic of safe sex with new partners. She knew not to have unprotected sex “in the beginning”. But “When,” Pam wailed, “does the beginning end? And then what? Help!” I asked if she understood the concept of fluid bonding and how it can guide her safely through new sexual relationships. She shook her head. She admitted the topic confused and embarrassed her. I assured her that most of us feel that way and I shared these basic guidelines with her: When we have sex with a new partner, we use barrier protection. Sex is defined as any activity in which we exchange body fluids capable of carrying viruses and bacteria. Those fluids include blood, semen and, to a lesser extent, vaginal secretions. The roles of saliva and tears are still being debated but, in any case, they are far less risky. Barriers are materials that prevent the transmission of those fluids. They include condoms, dams, and plastic wrap. In the beginning of a sexual relationship, we use barrier protection during sex every single time with every single partner. No exceptions! When a casual sexual relationship becomes more committed and we wish to dispense with the barriers during sex we discuss (yes, that means using our words) beginning a fluid bonding contract. Articles of the Month More news from America, land of bizarre priorities. Gender disparity again, and again, women risk more and suffer greater consequences. This article looks at pedophilia, and the position of the Vatican that links it to homosexuality. Research of the Month Given that sperm production takes about three months, this research alerts us to the need to clean up our air immediately lest we see the results of our environmental mismanagement in increased birth defects. Frightening implications. Sites of the Month Portia Nelson's haiku-like philosophical poem, Autobiography in Five Short Chapters, reminds us all to stay aware of our direction and attitudes. This site not only gives us a refresher on the poem, but offers annotation of practical applications for the lessons. Well worth the read. For those of you who love to display your political leanings, this site offers you a vast array of products with slogans and bytes of wisdom. Each of us goes to a doctor or clinic and gets a full battery of tests to screen for STIs (sexually transmitted infections). Ask your doctor or clinic which tests are advisable or go online and educate yourself. Sometimes regional considerations will affect your decision – for instance, you may be advised to test for a particular strain of hepatitis recently reported in your area. Our fluid bonding contract begins when we both get back clean bills of health. Because many “bugs” need time to show up – including HIV – we count six months from this date, retest, and if our next set of tests are also negative, we can safely dispense with barrier protection when we have sex with each other. It is important to note that the contract applies only to the two people who have had both sets of tests and have had only protected sex during that time. If these criteria are met, we can joyously and responsibly become fluid bonded, meaning there is no danger of transmitting or acquiring an STI from one another through the exchange of sexual fluids. When I finished this explanation, Pam replied, “Six months after we both get tested clear? Are you nuts?” I admitted that six months feels like a very long time to be fussing with barriers when we are busy establishing a trusting relationship and falling in love. It is a time of frequent lovemaking, and the last thing we want to be thinking about is viruses. We are adults and we must make adult decisions. On one hand, we may be protecting against nothing at all. On the other hand, we may be protecting against a lethal disease. Do we want to ask the questions that will help us determine how much risk we believe we are taking? If our new lover has been in a (probably) sexually-exclusive relationship for many years prior to being with us, our risk could be minimal. If our new lover has been with a number of partners, however – or even with only a few, but was not practicing safe sex - then our risk rises. And then there’s our own history, and how much of it we want to share – and how honest we are about it. So, you see, the fluid bonding contract and its cautious time-line allows us to skip those dodgy conversations for the first six months while we are learning about each other. Keeping ourselves and each other pristinely safe is a respectful way of maintaining clear boundaries about how much we need to tell. Most of us have judgments about sex and most of us fear other people’s judgments about our own sexual activity, so we can’t always trust that we’re hearing the truth. With things as important as our health and our new relationship at stake, six months really doesn’t seem so long to wait. The point is that the fluid bonding contract is a template that ensures our mutual sexual health. We each get to decide how we behave within that framework. The tragedy is in not knowing our risks and responsibilities and unwittingly putting ourselves in harm’s way. Sex is an adult game and is surely fun to play, but there are rules. When we play by the rules, we have just as much fun and fewer consequences. Here’s to both! © Pega Ren. 2005. All Rights Reserved.

Humour

For a quick lesson in the different levels of permissiveness between North America and Europe, check out this French Playstation ad.

~

A mother and her young son were flying WestJet from Halifax to Calgary.

The son turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to things she was not prepared to discuss with her young son, told him to ask the stewardess.

The boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because WestJet always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

~

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor attempted to lighten the mood by asking a young woman in the front row, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

Not skipping a beat, she replied, "He's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends"

~

Too many sweets.

~

The Dildo Song.

Quotes of the Month

"It's the fallen women who are usually picked up."

~ Woody Allen

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'Wow - what a ride!'"

~ Anonymous