Case Study: Aging Two Ways

Though sex therapy often addresses a specific issue, there are instances when it does not fix a problem but fosters acceptance of a unresolveable situation.

Such is the case of James, a 77-year-old client who has been coming to see me for the past five years. James is seeking no resolution to a problem. He comes because he is old and alone and misses a forum in which he can discuss sex.

James was a merchant marine before his retirement, which suited him well, for he was never one for relationships. Firmly heterosexual with a penchant for women with well defined bottoms, he was skilled sexually but not socially. He had never understood courtship and found himself staring at his shoes when not seducing or sexing a woman. He was always forthcoming about this; James's ethics were above reproach. Still, a heterosexual bachelor was a social rarity, especially in the era of his youth. He always stood a bit on the outside.

James had always loved masturbation and fantasy, his lifelong sexual mainstay. His religious training would periodically prompt guilt and he would give up this sexual outlet. Eventually he would overpower the shame with a process of critical thinking and would resume masturbation and an occasional visit to a lady of the night. Mostly James was happy with his life.

As is true for many sexual outlaws, James felt the isolation of embracing an alternative sexuality. He also stood apart because he loved to talk about sex and could find few among his cohorts who would tolerate, much less encourage, this topic.

James comes to me for conversation and validation. I provide an environment in which he can feel healthy, whole, and sexual. James is not a well man, nor a young one. His visits here corroborate his vitality and interest in the essence that is our birthright. That is their sole purpose and he values them highly.

Contrast this with Donald, also in his seventies, who has been coming to see me for the past two years. After his wife Elsie's death three years ago, Donald spent a year numb with shock and grief and then decided he wanted to live alone not one more day than necessary. He called me to get some tips on how to find a new wife. Elsie had been his war bride-he knew nothing about dating in the new millennium. In fact, he would just as soon skip the dating. Couldn't I tell him how he could just order a new wife? His attempt at humour betrayed his deep distress.

Coupled with his social concern was his physical situation. A lifelong smoker, he had begun having difficulty with erection in his fifties. Two more decades had further compromised his vascular health. Cardiac disease made Viagra a risky business. Erections were now a rare occurrence.

In taking inventory of his situation Donald realized that his chances for establishing another marriage depended very much on chance, time and effort. Age was not his friend at this point, nor was his health. He did not really have the desire nor the energy necessary to search for another wife. Realistically, he knew he had only a few years left. He came to realize that he had to let go of his dream of a wife as surely as he had had to let go of Elsie. Donald worked through another level of grief and realization.

Donald continues to see me because I provide him a forum to discuss his frustration at being old and lonely. Out of options, he mourns openly during his sessions. He tells me his hours here vent his grief and help him face his solitary life with dignity.

Therapy doesn't guarantee 'happily ever after'. James and Donald are examples of how sharing a safe space to explore even our harsh realities can make them easier to bear. Sometimes the benefit comes not in lifting the burden but in acknowledging its weight.

© Pega Ren. 2005. All Rights Reserved.

World AIDS Day:

December 1 is World AIDS Day, and in Beunos Aires at least, organizers are using humour to get the message out.

Pictured at left is the giant obelisk in downtown Beunos Aires, covered with a pink condom.

Upcoming Appearances:

Dr Ren was quoted in MacLean's magazine again this month speaking about the issues of monogamy and polyamory.  Read her comments in Cathy Gulli's article entitled “Stuck on Youse” on page 56, the Society page.

Toys of the Month:
Berman Juno

This Kegelcisor is an affordable and user-friendly version of the expensive steel models which used to be our only choice. The Berman version is smooth, light-weight, and discrete enough to fit under your pillow or in a bedside drawer. Forget the silly instructions and inaccurate graphics that come with it. Try this:

Lie on your back and add a drop of lube to the fat end of the kegelcisor. Insert the first or the first and second ball into your vagina until you feel yourself grip it. Squeeze. Keep your hand on the part of the toy/tool that's still outside your body and you will be able to feel it move in and out of your body as you tighten and release your PC muscle. With practice, you can vary the movement of the kegelcisor by changing how you move your muscle. When you get really strong and confident, turn the toy around so the heavy part is outside your body and feel the difference. Infinite possibilities for strength and movement.

The kegelcisor is smooth and therefore easy to wash up after using. The case they send with it is a dud. It's easy to make your own from a scrap of beautiful fabric to protect it while it's in the drawer. I highly recommend this product. Exercising our pubococcygeal muscle is as important as getting regular PAP smears and mammograms, and must be done regularly to be effective. This toy makes it easy to keep that important muscle strong.

The Rock Chick is a delightful change from other vibrating toys for women. Boomerang shaped, it doesn't look like a sex toy, and it is ingeniously designed to pleasure a woman's clitoris, vulva, and g spot simultaneously. Though the quiet little battery does not deliver earth moving vibration, it is surprisingly quiet and pleasant. It would be an ideal warm-up toy, or handy to keep a gal aroused while she's busy working on her lover. An added benefit is that when 'worn' in the sitting position, it is totally hands free--very practical for those cybersex evenings.

The directions could be clearer. Try this: First rinse the Rock Chick without the bullet, then put a drop of lube on the bullet and also inside the bullet cavity. Slide the battery in to the hole only as far as the black band (for easy removal). After using the toy, remove the bullet, spritz the Rock Chick with the deliciously scented cleaner and let dry for a minute or two, then rinse with water. That's it.The Rock Chick is an unusual toy geared specifically to women. Some may find the part that inserts into the vagina a bit long until arousal is achieved, but then gentle rocking produces lovely sensations that can maintain a girl's smile for some time.