Volume 5, Issue 2, February 2006
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Hot Topic: Women's Unpredictable Orgasms
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I find myself explaining to clients the difference in men’s and women’s orgasmic patterns so often that it seems right to devote a Hot Topic to this essential information. It is true that all human bodies respond physiologically almost identically, but the stimulation we require to achieve orgasm varies considerably. The more we know about our own pleasure paths and those of our partners, the more fun we can have sexually.
The difference revolves around the point of inevitability of orgasm. That is the moment when you know—really know—that you are about to come. What happens for men at this moment is invariable - they come. It doesn’t matter if their mother-in-law walks in the room (or the kids, or the cops, for that matter), they’re gonna come. It doesn’t matter if stimulation continues, stops, or changes. Once a male reaches the point of inevitability, orgasm follows.
No so for women. During the arousal phases, the physiological signs (muscle tightening, skin flushing, breathing changes) are identical to men’s, but when your girlfriend is shouting “yes, yes, yes” while you are circling her clit with your thumb in rotations of one per second and you figure that if she loves this pace then two per second will be twice as good….well, trust me, you’d be wrong. Any change in stimulation at the point of inevitability and the moment will be lost. The connection is far more fragile for women than it is for men. It is one of the few sexual differences between men and women.
It is not only during partnered sex that women experience this tenuous connection. Sometimes women report that even while masturbating in their usual manner they will sometimes experience an orgasm that ‘gets away.’ Almost at orgasm, the most subtle of shifts will prevent the explosion and they are left to start again. It can be a very frustrating experience.
Women who do not understand the intricacies of the orgasmic pattern can believe themselves unable to achieve regular orgasm. If those same women have been taught to feel shame about self-pleasuring, these fruitless attempts may well confirm their guilt. Without understanding the natural rhythm of their bodies, they believe there is something wrong with them, and that they are not entitled to sexual pleasure.
Add to this our culture’s fairy tale that it is a man’s job to give a woman her orgasm. Now if it is difficult for a woman, who owns a woman’s body, to figure out this complicated stuff, how do we expect a man to know how to do it better than she can?!
What can men do with this situation, then? Spend some long, luxurious time exploring your lover’s vulva in minute detail, requesting feedback. What sorts of touch does she like on her inner labia, her outer lips, her clitoris, her urethral opening, her perineum, around her anus, on her mons? Do those preferences change depending on her state of arousal? Ask her to let you watch her bring herself to orgasm and watch closely how the action stills just before the orgasmic explosion. Let her teach you, and remember to tell her how hot it is to watch—we appreciate that reassurance.
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Articles
of the Month
These two articles, dated only weeks apart, show the rise and fall of the Intelligent Design debate in the United States. Article one. Article two.
Big Brother Alert! US Federal government is trying to compell Google to surrender user logs. Keep your eyes on this one!
This Food for Thought article discusses the highly controversial topic of sex offenders and how best society can manage them. Dr Levine is the author of My Enemy, My Love and Harmful to Minors, both highly acclaimed by the academic community. This piece is a column from her local community paper.
Could it be our men are learning the difference between good lovemaking and good erections? This article hints that may be so.
This thoughtful article offers food for thought about the role of personal responsibility for our behaviour in our society today.
Brazil wins a prize for the practical application of forward thinking inclusive legislation. |
Research
of the Month
This research study is seeking families with two or more living gay brothers. If you qualify, they want to hear from you.
Research suggests that conception trouble tends to produce male children.
As we learn more about the effects of drugs on the brain, we learn more about love, too...or at least about mating behaviour.
Any mother would corroborate this research finding, which suggests that motherhood boosts brain power.
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Women do not have orgasms as reliably as men do. When we understand that there is nothing wrong with us and that our next romp will probably reap an orgasmic reward we do not fret about it. When men understand our orgasmic uncertainty, too, we can stop faking orgasms, and we would like to do that. Everyone benefits from this knowledge, and of course, when we relax into open and honest sexual communication with our lovers, sex just gets better and better.
© Pega Ren. 2006.
All Rights Reserved. |
Obituaries
This month marks the passing of three of sexology's notable people: Betty Berzon, Dr. Stanley Biber, and Dr Charles Socarides. Each tried to change the world, and did, though in different directions.
Betty Berzon: The pioneering Los Angeles therapist and author leaves a four-decade
legacy of LGBT activism, compassion and support.
Stanley Biber: A small-town Colorado doctor who for decades was internationally renowned as the dean of sex-change surgery.
Charles Socarides: A well-known psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who maintained publicly, long after it was considered scientifically acceptable to do so, that homosexuality was a condition amenable to treatment and even to conversion to heterosexuality. |
Research of the Month: Gay Marriage and Mental Health
Below is a letter from Vancouver psychiatrist Laura Chapman, who is conducting research on the possible mental health benefits of gay marriage. Click the link at the bottom to participate.
Hello,
Thank you for taking the time to consider completing the survey on Gay Marriage and Mental Health. I am a practicing psychiatrist in Vancouver and I am interested in the relationship between same-sex marriage and mental health. I would like to understand if there are mental health benefits of same-sex marriage and what these might be. As gay marriage is now legal in all provinces and territories in Canada this may be an opportunity to try to demonstrate if this is the case. I hypothesize that there are mental health and well-being benefits to gay marriage. In the survey I have also included a question asking if there are any negative effects of same-sex marriage to test this hypothesis.
I am planning to present a summary of the survey at a workshop at the American Psychiatric Association annual meeting in May 2006. All of the results will be anonymous, in fact the survey can be returned to me without your name or any identifying information. I hope the results of the survey will be educational and help to inform the ongoing debate over the idea of gay marriage particularly in the United States where there has been a great deal of opposition to it.
You will probably need to print the survey, complete it and mail it to the address on the survey.
I am very grateful for your willingness to complete this survey. Although I cannot offer an honorarium for the time taken to complete the survey I am happy to send a summary of the results if you request that. The best way to request a summary is to email me separately at bioscribe@telus.net I expect the results will be completed by early to mid April 2006.
Thanks very much,
Laura Chapman MD FRCPC
Get the survey.
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Book Review: Making Sense of Abstinence
This book review was written by Marty Klein in his highly recommended and always informative newsletter, Sexual Intelligence. Good sex education materials are difficult to find. Check this out!
In 1980 Planned Parenthood of Greater Northern New Jersey established an education department called the Center for Family Life Education. Growing to national prominence under the leadership of Peggy Brick, it has forever changed the way sex education is conceptualized and provided. In addition to training sex educators throughout the U.S., PPGNNJ also publishes videos, teacher's manuals and books--including its latest, Making Sense of Abstinence: Lessons for Comprehensive Sex Education. Co-authored by CFLE Director Bill Taverner and veteran sex educator Sue Montfort, it is simply wonderful.
Why would one of America's leaders in comprehensive sex education put out a manual to help adults talk about abstinence? (You know they'll never see a dime of the government's billion-dollar abstinence giveaway.) Because, as the authors point out, comprehensive sex education must include "positively-framed education about sexual abstinence."
This manual shows what abstinence education would look like if it weren't rigidly "abstinence-only" (the current federal standard), if it weren't horrified by sex, and if it didn't treat kids like robotic idiots. In helping young people examine abstinence as a meaningful choice, the book creatively and empathically relates to their world. It raises issues such as:
- " The importance of creating a personal definition of "abstinence;"
- " Abstinence is a method to be used, not just a decision to be made;
- " Abstinence is typically used within a relationship;
- " What erotic behaviors different abstinence definitions prohibit, and what they each might permit;
- " Making the transition from abstinence--as virtually everyone does, usually sooner rather than later.
We're reviewing this book because it is a valuable, easy-to-use resource for every parent or other adult dealing with pre-teens and teens. You don't have to be a classroom teacher to benefit from it; if you plan to be talking to kids about sex, love, relationships, or their dreams of adulthood, this manual will expand your vocabulary, help you feel more confident, suggest lots of interesting questions to ask, make you more comfortable with the answers you get, and help you see kids' sexual and relationship curiosity in the larger context of their lives. Any adult can easily extract a few questions or valuable concepts from each of the many exercises.
SI has a long-standing revulsion to abstinence-only programs, which almost always demonize sex and trivialize kids' powerful emotions (#s 18, 27, 33, 43, 59). These programs disrespect the process of sexual decision-making so much that they aren't even willing to rely on the truth. Their lies about the alleged inevitable consequences of premarital sex are simply disgusting.
Ironically, progressive sex educators like Planned Parenthood and SIECUS could actually promote abstinence far more effectively than the sex-phobic Religious Right. This book--which does not say that abstinence is the best choice for all young people at all times--shows how.
For only $25, give yourself a belated holiday gift. Information/order: 973/539-9580 or www.ppgnnj.org
"Reprinted from Sexual Intelligence, copyright © Marty Klein, Ph.D. (www.SexEd.org)." |
Toy of the Month: Fleshlight
 Step right up, Fellas, and treat yourself to some fine self loving. Remember not to clean up with soap, but wash your personal masturbation toy with water and then air dry the toy and dust with cornstarch to keep the fleshlight in good order.
You can order the Fleshlight from our affiliate, Libida.com
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Humour
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
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Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
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One morning, a man approached his wife and pinched her on her butt. He said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother."
Quotes
of the Month
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less."
~ Brendan Francis, Playboy, 1985
"A dirty book is rarely dusty."
~ Author Unknown
"Pornography is the most popular and enduring of all the movie genres."
~ University of California at Berkeley Film Studies Professor Linda Williams and author of "Porn Studies"
"I don't have a problem with authority; I just have a problem with people telling me what to do."
~ Roller Derby chick on TV promo ad
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