Volume
5, Issue 3, March 2006
Letter From the Editor
Hello Subscribers! This
month's newsletter features a Hot Topic I have never
seen addressed anywhere - testosterone (T) for women,
as a libido enhancer. Read below to find out what testosterone
will and will not help with. Also make sure to check
out all the news and research from this past month.
Some of you may have
visited the Teletherapy page on the site. Trial runs
of our old system proved a bit finicky and I am pleased
to announce that we have streamlined the process, so
if you have wanted to have a session with Dr. Ren but
live too far away for an office visit, you may want
to take a look at this new option.
~ Editor
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Hot Topic:
Testosterone for Women
|
Testosterone
(T) for women is generating a lot of interest
recently. As our
knowledge of the function of the human
body increases, our questions become more
sophisticated as well. We know that
testosterone drives sexual appetite. That
said, if a man desires more sex than his
female partner, wouldn’t giving her
a dollop of testosterone remedy the situation?
Testosterone can be
a magic elixir for women. However,
to benefit from the libido-boosting effect
of T, women must be deficient, which
is rare. Our
bodies maintain a small but essential level. Testosterone
and its related androgens make estrogen,
and we have storage facilities for it throughout
our bodies. We produce T in the ovaries
and indirectly through the adrenal glands. We
even cleverly store it in fat cells, especially
after menopause. If we are testosterone-deficient,
we may experience lessened sexual desire
and responsiveness and loss of energy and
wellbeing. In other words, we are
not much interested in anything, including
sex, but those symptoms can have many causes. It
is worth investigating for women who have
had their ovaries surgically removed or
who experience a precipitous drop in energy
and libido that cannot be otherwise explained. Check
with your health care professional. For
the few women who are deficient,
there are tests to determine it, effective
treatments to correct the condition, and
fun activities to celebrate the ‘cure’. Former
sexual appetite is restored, as is energy.
If you find,
however, that your lack of sexual interest
is not hormonally based, you have a number
of other leads to follow. Many
women complain that we lack agency over
our sex lives. Raised to be receptive
to men’s advances, we did not learn
initiation skills and therefore forfeit
the privilege of asking for sex when we
want it. Instead we must use charm
and flirtation to manipulate our lover
to invite us to make love. The result
is that women are always figuratively,
if not literally, on the bottom.
|
Articles
of the Month
Great
news for parents! A researcher
at Simon Fraser University has compiled
a list
of resources appropriate for
teaching sexuality to children. Take
a look.
Dan
Savage, now editor of Seattle’s
newspaper The Stranger, makes
a good point in this thoughtful and
well-written piece about
gay Hollywood, the ex-gay movement,
and ‘traditional
family values’.
"Naughty
Mommy" strikes
a chord for new mothers in book about semi-taboo subject:
lost libido after childbirth.
Sometimes
we need those way out on the fringes
to remind us of where sanity ends
and lunacy begins. Unfortunately,
those reminders are sometimes in
places of power. This
article would be funny if not so chillingly
real. |
Research
of the Month
Good
news for post-traumatic stress disorder
victims. Common
drug may help.
What
a surprise... comprehensive sex education
helps teens make good choices. See this research from Britain.
|
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Eventually
this lack of control robs us of our entitlement
to our own sexiness. We lose our sense
of ownership of our lust and begin to feel like
objects rather than subjects. In the angry
years of the Feminist revolution we blamed this
on men; it has taken a long time to understand
our own complicity in this counter-productive
dance.
All
these factors—lower testosterone levels,
social and cultural expectations of submissive
role posturing, lack of assertiveness skills—keep
women from exploring their full sexual potential. Having
sex only when he wants it, how he wants it, on
his terms eventually erases a woman’s unique
contributions. She loses interest because
she no longer feels involved. Sex has little
to do with her. As surely as these factors
affect heterosexual women, they shape the sexual
responses of lesbians as well, though the dynamics
are a bit different. I will address these
in a separate column.
It is by boldly
embracing sexuality as our own that we become
fully involved in the action, equal partners
and peers with our men. This requires us
to confront the messages we learned as children
about how women—and men—are supposed
to behave. We need to question our belief
systems and critically analyze our media and
everyday speech. We need to have deep conversations
with our lovers about the roles of sex and power
between us and how we can equalize them. We
need to negotiate and renegotiate the rewards
and costs of redefining our relationship dance.
The pay-off, of
course, is improved sex in a peer relationship
with someone you like who respects and honours
you. Oh, yeah, and having your mojo running,
too.
© Pega Ren. 2006.
All Rights Reserved. |
Obituaries
Again this month
we mark the passing of another icon on America's
social landscape. Betty Friedan pioneered
the women's movement with her book, The
Feminist Mystique. Things were never
again the same. Read her obituary.
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Case
Study: Pitfall of Make-Up Sex?
Gina and her husband Paul hoped sex therapy
could help them. They had always had great
sex, but that was changing. They were both
so angry now that even the make-up sex was paling.
Gina and Paul met in their early twenties. Both
were from Italian Catholic families and each
had been their family’s rebel. They
had a dynamic but stormy fifteen-year relationship
and were firmly committed to each other and their
two children. Love was unquestioned. When
they disagreed, they fought explosively, retreated
in stony silence, and then reconnected with aggressive
and passionate make-up sex. Then they would
return to the rhythm of their lives.
The piece missing was any resolution of the
source of their arguments. The pitfall
of make-up sex is that it can substitute for
communication. Such was the case with Paul
and Gina. Although the sex relieved their
emotional tension, their anger remained and leaked
out sideways. By the time they came to
see me, subterranean resentments and grudges
marred their marriage. There was a lot
of air to clear.
Through therapy, we identified this destructive
anger pattern and each agreed to approach resolving
issues differently. I gave them homework
centering on active listening and negotiation
but time and again one or the other of the pair
would sabotage the success of the exercises. To
determine what was stalling our progress, I met
with Paul and Gina separately.
In that safe environment, Gina confessed her
doubt that Paul really wanted to hear about her
feelings. She was fearful that if she showed
her truly vulnerable side, he would find her
weak and ultimately ridicule her. She believed
he loved her for her strength and fighting spirit
and she dared not expose her vulnerable side. I
countered that this was precisely what Paul needed
to experience of her to break through their impasse. I
asked her if she would lose respect for Paul
if he were soft. On the contrary, she
protested, she longed for that safe harbour. They
always seemed a bit on guard with each other.
When Paul came in, he shared virtually the same
story, though in different words. Shackled
by machismo stereotypes, he hesitated to apologize
even when he knew he was wrong or to back down
from a stubborn but silly position. He
was weary from being manly. He longed for
comfort and compassion, yet feared it would cost
him respect. I asked if he thought Gina
might well be feeling the same way he was. “Oh,
no,” he was sure, “Gina’s
much stronger inside than I am.” I
looked forward to our next conjoint session.
When next we met together, I told Paul and Gina
my impressions of what had stalled their progress. I
advised them they both felt the same things. This
knowledge neutralized their mutual fear and got
each of them curious about what the other had
hidden behind their defenses. I sent them
home with exercises that would enable them to
share their feelings safely. They learned
to become authentic with each other and discovered
a deeper respect and intimacy than they had known
was possible. This allowed them to
separate sex from negotiation. They still
have spats, of course, and Paul and Gina continue
to enjoy their hot make up sex, but they now
add a significant new step. After the
sex, they go out for coffee. (Moving to
a neutral and public environment refocuses perspective.) Then
they return to their home office (or living room,
but not back to the bedroom—that is for
sex and intimacy) where they discuss and resolve
their disagreement.
Learning this new step took time and work. Neither
Paul nor Gina knew how to resolve anger effectively. To
negotiate mutually beneficial decisions, they
had to risk being vulnerable, appearing foolish,
and being rejected. And they did. They
are closer now than ever and their household
reflects their happiness. A significant
added benefit is that they will model these negotiation
skills for their children.
Without intervention and their hard work, this
destructive pattern may well have eroded their
otherwise strong bond. Now this couple
continue to enjoy the passion of make-up sex
(they still have fiery disagreements) as well
as the soul-gazing intimate lovemaking of lovers
in harmony.
This case study reports in a few paragraphs
what in reality represents a great deal of introspection,
honesty, dialogue, and willingness to risk change
during a therapeutic intervention. Some
of it is difficult; some of it comes as a huge
relief. Usually the results are welcome
and exciting. It is quite natural to fear
change, for we do not know what that change will
bring. Remember, though, that a change
from unhappy and unworkable is generally one
in the right direction.
© Pega Ren.
2006. All Rights Reserved.
|
Entertainment
Announcement: The Good Body
Eve Ensler's first triumph,
The Vagina Monologues, ignited a movement that
has exploded
into a global phenomenon.
Now she's back, with
a show both uproarious and insightful. In The Good
Body, Eve takes
an inside look at the outside, exploring the cultures
of beauty, food and desire through
the eyes of women around the world.
After a critically acclaimed run on Broadway, she's
bringing this provocative, hilarious and
profoundly moving performance to you. It's the
theatrical event you've been craving! Don't
miss The Good Body, starring Eve Ensler.
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Sites
of the Month: Santorum, Santorum, Everywhere...
Senator Rick
Santorum is proposing to introduce the "Marriage
Protection Act" in the States in March. Sign
this petition from the Human Rights Campaign
to add your voice to the opposition. Pass it
on.
Rick Santorum has
been busy: Learn about his proposed Workplace
Religious Freedom Act, and what you can do about
it, from the ACLU.
Dan Savage of Savage
Love fame along with his readers, memorialized the
right-wing Senator by redefining the word "santorum".
Visit the Wikipedia entry
and the Santorum site to
learn more. |
Humour
A man walks into a restaurant,
followed by a full-grown ostrich. The waitress asks
them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries & a coke," and
turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll
have the same," says the ostrich. A short time
later the waitress returns with the order. "That
will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into
his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The two visit frequently, ordering
the same, and each time the man pays with exact change.
One Friday night the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress. "No, tonight I will have a steak, baked
potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says
the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order & says, "That
will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the
exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.
Curious, the waitress says "Excuse me, sir. How
do you manage to come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
"Well," replies the man, "several years
ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that I could just put my
hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most
people would ask for a million dollars, but you'll
always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or
a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says
the man.
"But what's with the ostrich?" asks the waitress.
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was
for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees
with everything I say."
~
Clever JavaScripting
allows visitors to experience sex as either gender
at this humour site.
~
The success of Brokeback
Mountain has everyone looking through their queer
eye. MadTV enters the gay fray with this
skit.
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