Site of the Month: The Best of Craigslist

Most people are aware of Craigslist, but did you know there is a "Best of" section? Voted on by CL users, the "Best of" list is a catalogue of weird and wonderful postings from Craigslists around the globe.

You may want to start your investigation with these postings:
(Warning: May contain crass language)

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/142248974.html

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/157332688.html

Movie Reviews:

The Notorious Bettie Page

I went to see The Notorious Bettie Page last weekend. I expected a rather empty theatre, and was pleasantly surprised to see that, even though competing with the opening of The DaVinci Code, the theatre boasted a healthy number of viewers.

What I found most striking was Bettie's detachment from anything sexual, even as she became notorious for posing in pinup shots in S/M scenes. For Bettie it was all just theatre, costume, and good clean fun. Bettie did not experience sexuality and excused others for doing so if they were 'nice.' It was as though she simply did not speak the language.

The film concentrates on a narrow slice of Bettie's life. Only one of her four marriages is portrayed, and she appears a bit ditzy and flat, as well she may have been. Still, the film offers us a glimpse into a time when a woman like Bettie Page could exist above it all -a time when a woman could be admired and still aloof, seen but untouched. She was a sexpot only in the minds of those who viewed her. I was fascinated with the historical content of the film even as I longed to help Betty break free of her inhibitions.

In real life, Bettie Page is another uber-religious asexual nice girl.  On screen, however, she represents unapologetic, unrestrained, fun-filled sexuality. She is just a pretty girl having a good time. It's too bad that her reality negated the joy that might have been hers. Still, the movie is informative, entertaining, and worth the price of admission. I recommend it.

See the trailer here.

Kinky Boots

I heartily recommend Kinky Boots for a good-time movie and a lesson or two in kindness and golden rule manners. Made by the producers of Calendar Girls and compared to The Full Monty, this film explores working class people trying to get by in tough economic times. 

The premise is that a staid shoe factory is going under financially and the heir to this sinking ship is happily escaping to big city London.  Fate intervenes, however, in the form of a chance meeting with a larger-than-life drag queen who comes up with a plan for the ailing factory: forget stodgy brogues and retool the company to make "two and a half feet of irresistible tubular sex."  The workers are unconvinced, but then, any job is better than none, and Lola is just too endearing and business-savvy to resist.  Soon everyone is working again and learning life lessons far more valuable than the money jingling in their pockets.

This is a feel-good movie you will remember long after you leave the theatre.  Formula?  Yes.  Surprising?  No, except that I can’t remember a mainstream film in which a drag queen is portrayed with such strength and respect.  She is the wisest, funniest, kindest of the characters.  She is the hero, at no one else’s expense.  That in itself is worth the price of admission.

Note: You will need the flash player to view the Kinky Boots site. Download it for free here.

Case Study: On the Down Low

Jeff approached me overcome with guilt and anxiety. He had never before revealed to anyone what he was about to confess to me.  “Why now?” I asked. Because his wife of two decades was threatening to leave him. 

Jeff is a middle-aged white professional with a couple of kids, a couple of cars, and a couple of memberships in appropriate clubs.  His marriage is happy if not passionate and he gets along well with his colleagues, friends, and family members. 

From the outside, all is well, but no one knows that for years Jeff has occasionally disappeared into the netherworld of anonymous gay sexual encounters.  He defines himself as predominantly heterosexual, perhaps a Kinsey 1, a person “predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual”. Jeff is uninterested in forming a romantic relationship with the men with whom he has sex; his attraction to them is purely physical.  He appreciates the feel of a man’s familiar body and the common knowledge of how such a body functions. He also feels enormous guilt about these desires.

Jeff’s wife Sue has known about these indiscretions for years, and she and her husband have choreographed a brutal dance that has sustained them.  When Jeff’s sexual tension builds, he becomes snarly and withdrawn and spends more evenings at the office.  Eventually he cruises until he finds an encounter to relieve his need for sex with another man after which he then returns home contrite and quiet.  The late nights at the office cease and Jeff resumes his role as attentive husband and family man, though cloaked in shame and guilt.  It takes Sue no time to recognize the pattern, whereupon she attacks Jeff for being a cheater and a homosexual and belittles him for days. She threatens that if he does it again, she will leave him. This has gone on for decades. It is at one of these junctures that Jeff contacted me.

Initially, Jeff wanted to know why he behaved this way. Sue believed it was Jeff’s way of redirecting his stress. Jeff wanted to believe that, too, and asked me to teach him alternative stress-relieving skills. I explained that sexual orientation has nothing to do with stress, and suggested that he accept himself as he is.  That suggestion met with great resistance.  If Jeff embraced his occasional lust for men without shame, then the intricate dance established with Sue must change.  He felt unprepared for that.  I gave him information to share with his wife about the immutability of orientation and we practiced how he might introduce these new concepts to her. I invited either or both of them to return for further visits.

Sue came in soon after, highly agitated. Jeff had relayed my messages, and she had shared the information with a few of her girlfriends who had put a label on Jeff’s behaviour: he was ‘on the down low’. Now more than ever, Sue was righteously indignant about the situation and furious that I would suggest this was something they could negotiate. I assured her Jeff’s behaviour was not about her, and that he probably would not stop. She would need to work with this situation or leave.  Though she didn’t like her choices, I asked her if she thought her marriage might work better if Jeff quit lying to her about his dalliances.  She cautiously admitted that could help. Did she think their marriage would improve if Jeff could stop feeling guilty about something he could not control?  Yes, she agreed with that too. She left my office less angry and more thoughtful, tentative but hopeful that she and Jeff could communicate in a fresh new way.

I didn’t hear from either Sue or Jeff for nearly three months, when Jeff arrived highly distressed. He explained that he and Sue had talked with a new openness following their sessions with me. They re-established intimacy and their lovemaking improved. They had decided I must be wrong about Jeff’s pull to men. He had promised again not to stray and said he wouldn’t need this outlet when he was so happy at home.

But he had strayed and he hadn’t told Sue. She hadn’t noticed this time. Or at least not yet. Even so, he was feeling terribly guilty. He still insisted his attraction to men was driven by stress and wondered if I could help him reduce this stress to eliminate his “bad behaviour”.
 
I stop the narrative of this case study here to make a point.  What happened next could have taken several directions. At this stage, Jeff and Sue needed to face reality and risk changing their behaviours. This step must be in place for therapy to proceed. Sometimes it triggers the decision to embark on therapy, but sometimes changing is so frightening that the resistance to it becomes greater than the motivation to fix the problem.

If you are stuck in a destructive pattern, ask yourself if you are ready to risk change.  Therapy guarantees no quick fixes (although sex therapy is frequently brief), and you may need to take more than one kick at the can.  Regardless, don’t give up if you don’t get it right the first try.  Change is difficult, and we fear what we don’t know.  Success takes practice.

Acknowledging a problem is an important first step in fixing it. Asking for help is another.  Confronting your fear of what may happen when you change your behaviour pattern is a third. Beyond that is learning new ways of interacting with your partner that enhance each and both of you. Though therapy can be a rough personal journey, it is surely worth the effort.

Book of the Month: Barebacking: Psychological and Public Health Issues

I haven't yet read this book, but the authors are all highly regarded in sexological circles and I read many of their posts on my daily sexuality-related listserv.  I believe I am safe in recommending it.  Surely you can count on accurate information and nonjudgmental attitudes.  Would be a valuable addition for public health clinics dealing with STI issues.

Read an excerpt from the introduction.