Fetishes: An Explanation

What are fetishes?

A working definition of fetish is ‘an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion’. Even if we remove the negative adjectives, we can see how fetishes impact our lives.

Though our culture is skittish about them, fetishes just are. They are part of our erotic signatures, much like temperament or humour make up our personalities. Some fetishes are socially condoned, like ‘Blondes have more fun’ or ‘tall dark and handsome’. And of course there is our obsession with large breasts, unquestioned because it is common and culturally sanctioned, but nonetheless qualifies as fetishistic. Less commonplace fetishes, such as ostentatious costuming or the inclusion of titillating objects are much more harshly judged. We are all too quick to confuse ‘different’ with ‘wrong’.

What do we know about them?

We know that males overwhelmingly report fetishistic preferences compared to females. Some statistics range into the 90 to 95 percentile. This is partially due to the interaction of the Y chromosome and the androgen ‘bath’ that male fetuses undergo to differentiate them from the default female model, and partially due to males’ higher testosterone (sex-driving) hormone levels. We also know that fetishes are developed between the ages of about two and ten, with the span between five and eight being most common. It is at this point that the (usually) boy experiences some connection between an object (red satin panties, for instance) and an erotic response (an erection). For some reason, this connection burns deep into the erotic framework for the boy, and remains there throughout the lifespan. It may well be that this initial awareness of erotic response binds with anything available at the moment….much as ducks will imprint on a basketball if that’s what stands in for ‘mother’ during the imprinting period….but research suggests that the moment of recognition is specific, the connection is permanent, and the object is fetishized as erotic regardless of context. In other words, once a strong erotic response is recognized, it is welded to the erotic signature of that individual.

Can a fetish be changed?

It seems that fetishes cannot be changed, though some are more pressing than others. We all have preferences regarding sex….we have individual favourite activities, settings, and patterns. Some of us go weak at the sight of silk stay-up stockings or shiny wing-tip shoes, but do not require these props to become aroused. For others, the fetish object is required to kick start and maintain interest and desire. We do not know why some fetishes imprint deeply and others do not….only that once imprinted, the object remains as a trigger for arousal.

How do fetishes affect us?

Though we hear horrible tales of sadistic sex murderers who require mutilation and torture to guarantee sexual gratification, these examples are sensationalistic and very, very rare. Most fetishes serve only to keep us paying attention to sexual clues we need to explore and if you want to do it with the best online sex cam models, then see Chat Opinion as it has a great reviews system.

Fetishes can be problematic, however, if they become rigid, which is true about many, many areas of our lives. If we find that we can’t attain orgasm unless, for instance, our girlfriend is lying in a pile of cold spaghetti, we may have difficulty finding sex partners, and of course must become extremely charming and skilful at negotiation just to ask for what we want.

There are also so many online sex cam web sites now, but you can browse them all on live nude cam web sites like this as they list cams from all of the top sites, for those who are into this kind of fetish.

In sum, fetishes can be good for us if we use them to augment our sexual responses and bad for us if they restrict our opportunities to enjoy a wide range of desire-enhancing signals. They can be quirky and fun and exciting, or they can confine us to narrow channels of experience. We cannot choose our fetishes, or even whether or not we have them. We do, however, have some choice in how we use them. Happily, most of us do so with light-hearted appreciation of a particular object or expression that establishes us as capable of heightened response and involvement.

Secret Sexual Desires

“Hello, Dr. Ren, I have a sexual problem that makes me very unhappy and could ruin my relationship.”

“I’m glad you called. Please tell me what is bothering you.”

“Well, that’s the thing. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this before. It’s hard to say it out loud.”

That’s how many of my phone calls begin. Many of us harbour sexual fantasies, desires and behaviours about which we feel shame and embarrassment but which we crave nonetheless. So, I recommend to visit XXBRITS is a platform that can find free porn videos, read intimate erotic stories and much more.

Some believe their desires are so unacceptable that they do not tell even their lovers, believing without asking that they will be rebuffed because of their request.

Sometimes these cravings are quite harmless–like wanting anal sex or enjoying cross-dressing–and may be easily accommodated, but the fear of rejection overrides the risk. Some of my callers tell me they have been married for many years, coping with adequate sex and minimal sexual communication, longing to realize a fantasy and now regretting the fulfilling sex that might have been theirs. They want to know what they can do.

What happens next proceeds in a couple of ways. The first scenario sounds something like this:

Client: “I like to be spanked.”
Me: “How is that a problem for you?”
Client: “Are you kidding? My wife would never agree to do that!”
Me: “It’s a common sexual behaviour. Would you like some help learning to discuss this desire with your wife?”
Client: “Absolutely not. She would leave me.”
Me: “Have you ever broached this topic with her?”
Client: “No. I know her. She wouldn’t accept it.”
Me: “Okay. Then do you want to find ways to indulge in the fantasy of spanking that don’t jeopardize your marriage?”
Client: “Like what?”
Me: “Well, you could watch porn involving spanking, or spank yourself when you masturbate.”
Client: “I don’t like the idea of either of those things.”
Me: “If you don’t like things the way they are, but you don’t want change either, you are left with few choices. How would you like me to help you?”
Client: “I thought that’s what you were going to tell me! Listen, I’ll call back later, okay?”

You would think I wouldn’t hear from that caller again, but I often do, sometimes months later. Eventually the day comes when not taking a chance becomes more painful than risking a change. Let’s listen in on that call.

Client: “I called before. We talked about spanking. You told me it was a normal sexual activity, and I brought it up in conversation with my wife. Funny, but I had to do it a couple of times before I got her attention. It turned out it wasn’t such a big deal, but I didn’t tell her it was about me.”
Me: “Well done. It’s often the case that fear is worse than reality.”
Client: “I’d like to come in to see you now.”
Me: “Of course. What are you hoping to gain from our session?”
Client: “I’ve never talked about this before. I’ve been ashamed of this desire. Now maybe I have a chance to have the kind of sex I’ve always wanted. I want you to teach me how to present this to my wife in a way she can accept. That means I need to learn to accept it fully myself. I also want to learn how to communicate better about sex in general.”
Me: “You sound ready to learn those skills. You may be pleasantly surprised at how receptive your wife is to your willingness to be open and honest with her. This may be the start of the best phase of your lives together.”

The point is that if you want your life to change, you have to be willing to risk changing it. Change stresses, but so does living unhappily. It happens one step at a time, and each step brings you closer to your goal of sexual freedom and fulfillment.

If you are unhappy, consider doing something now to make it better. The answer may be only a phone call away. It’s also easy to find a sex date that just wants to hook-up for sex.