The following letter came to me via my website. It reflects such a common issue that I’m sure it will resonate with many of you. Here’s your chance to ‘listen in’ and examine a sexual issue. Feel free to send me your own questions. Even if your letter doesn’t make the Hot Topics column, you will get a personal response.
Please Note: All identifying information in this, and all other, articles has been modified to preserve confidentiality. You can always count on this.
Dear Dr. Ren,
I am totally embarrassed by this question.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We are both relatively fit and able-bodied. The marriage is great and we have 2 wonderful children; it’s just that most of the time we only have time for quickies (dodging the kids) and I would rather use my penis. I can really only pleasure her orally or with different types of devices because my penis very small fully erect. The width of it, along with the length just isn’t enough, I guess, to me more personally than my wife. Although there is no problem with my erections, my wife gets no pleasure when I’m inserted. It would be great if I could finish the job with just my penis.
We have tried many different positions and have bought many books showing other sexual methods. I have never tried any product I see advertised. Is there really anything out there that enhances the penis?
Let me begin by assuring you that anything over about two inches in penis length is wasted as far as vaginas go. You see, women don’t have nerve endings except in the outer third of the vagina (it’s why we aren’t aware of tampons). The pleasurable sensations we experience from deep penetration are from pressure on the cervix, which can be accomplished quite well with fingers and dildos. I suspect your wife’s lack of pleasure is far more psychological than physical…we are sold such a bill of goods (women as well as men) regarding the ‘bigger is better’ myth.
You are correct that girth is more important than length. And your comment “to me more personally than my wife” reveals much insight, too. If she is dissatisfied, experiment with positions, toys, different touching techniques, etc, and above all, keep talking and listening. And try to believe her when she tells you she wouldn’t trade you in for anything in the world. As to wanting to “finish the job with just my penis”, you may be looking at an ego issue rather than a sexual issue…and that’s a good thing because you can control that. Please believe me when I tell you women are far more satisfied with a caring, attentive lover with a small dick than an insensitive lout with a big one.
I see from your letter that you are comfortable using toys (and, I presume, your hands). I suggest you continue to intersperse intercourse (which, again I’m presuming, YOU enjoy) with oral sex, penetration with dildos for that full feeling your wife likes, and digital manipulation.
As to your question about whether there is actually anything that will extend penis length, yes, there is, but they are imperfect. Check with your local sex store, or contact Good Vibrations. They carry a condom-like sheath that has an extension included, providing extra length. It might be just what you are looking for.
As for creams, lotions, etc…it’s all snake oil. There are penile extension surgeries, but they are very high risk and many men rue the day their egos convinced them to agree to them. There is also a technique (much less dangerous) in which the suspensory ligaments are severed so the penis hangs lower from the body, giving the effect of being longer. Problem? The suspensory ligaments anchor the organ…cut them, and you have no control of the penis, so you must hold it in place during sex or you keep missing your target while thrusting. What a bother.
The fact that you usually have time only for quickies is certainly as much of your problem as the size of your penis. My bet is that if you and your wife set aside time each week for nothing other than creating a safe and comfortable environment in which sex and intimacy can happen, you will both be far more satisfied. I do understand how ‘quickies’ become the norm in a busy household, but your letter cues me that this may well not be affording you what you are seeking. Have a look at my article ‘Mate Dates’, and call the babysitter.
I hope this helps. If you are enjoying a good marriage after ten years, you’re doing something right! Apparently, you and your wife are communicating and problem solving together. The enjoyment of sex is much more between our ears than between our legs. Still, I hear your anguish and hope that these suggestions will bring you some welcome relief from concern.
If you need more information, just ask.