TAKE IT OUTSIDE

by Dr. Pega Ren

Though many of my columns elicit feedback, the ones that generate the most discussion involve practical suggestions about how to improve sex in some way. With sumTake it POmer weather soon to depart, this column addresses an offer that Mother Nature makes every year and which most of us ignore. I’m talking about enjoying sex outside during these warm summer evenings, or perhaps in the shade of a tree while picnicking in the heat of the day.

This topic came up during several of my clinical sessions recently, when couples sought ideas to spice up their flagging sex lives. Though I almost always suggest regularly scheduled Date Nights, the opportunity to take sex outside seems a delicious treat when the weather permits, and adds the tantalizing risk of being discovered. Now some don’t find the idea of being watched erotic at all, and if you’re in that group, you can surely structure your outdoor tryst in a way to defy discovery; in fact, you can make the search for an undetectable spot part of the fun! But those of you who find the possibility of discovery a turn-on can use that edge to heighten the pleasure of your stolen tryst.

What about offending someone? I am reminded of a story told originally by Dr Stella Resnick, fellow sexologist and author of The Pleasure Zone, about an incident that took place in an elevator. She and her lover were visiting a new city and found themselves riding an elevator to the gazillionth floor of a skyscraper. Alone in the car, Stella began to fondle her partner, both of them vigilant and wondering if and when the doors would open. Eventually that happened, and they quickly composed themselves while stifling their giggles. The woman who entered the car exited before their stop, and before the doors closed again, she turned to them smiling, wagged her finger, and good-naturedly scolded, “Naughty, naughty.” Stella and her lover dissolved in laughter and got right back to the mutual pleasure they’d begun floors before.

The point of this story is that most of us believe deep down that the power of sex is threatening. We believe we will be punished if we are caught. Some of us have sad stories about that happening. But when we ask people about their fantasies, watching sex - or being watched while having sex - ranks high on the list. Granted, few of us wish to offend anyone, and caution can be taken to guard against this, but many adults tell stories of overhearing or witnessing others engaged in lovemaking, and recall those memories as erotic. As adults, we can appreciate the special nature of sex.