TALKING TO YOUTH ABOUT SEX: WHAT’S ENOUGH? WHAT’S TOO MUCH?
By Dr. Pega Ren

- Originally published on DrKoop.com

North Americans embrace the ideal of providing children with carefree childhoods ripe with opportunities for growth and expression. Fortunate to hold much of the world’s wealth and natural resources, we are commonly able to meet this laudable goal. We promote education and enforce laws against child labour. We enrich our children’s lives with car pool service, birthday parties, and extracurricular activities. We encourage our leaders of tomorrow, supporting their growth into adulthood untarnished by the harsher realities of the world. Few would argue the wisdom of such a philosophy. We know that children raised in an environment of safety, security, and happiness grow into well-balanced, self-actualizing adults. We are richer personally and culturally for providing fertile earth in which to grow our children to adulthood.

We ensure this unworried childhood by shielding our young from the cares and responsibilities of the adult domain. David Steinberg, editor of The Erotic Impulse, uses the term “designated innocents” to refer to this protected class of junior citizens. The problem with remaining innocent, he argues, is that innocence can become confused with ignorance. Knowledge equates with power, so we must strike a balance between protection and education.

This dilemma is enacted in our approach to imparting sexual information. Hoping to spare our adolescent population the responsibilities of unintended parenting, we filter the knowledge afforded them. We warn them of the consequences of intercourse, and the admonitions usually broaden to include all sexual behaviour. Our protection is well intended, but poorly aimed. It is with comprehensive understanding that we are best prepared to make personally enriching decisions, not by remaining fearful and ignorant. Our
alarming teen pregnancy rate is one indication that lack of information does not serve our common good, another is the epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases among our youth.

How can we balance the twin goals of innocence and enlightenment? We can begin by demystifying the subject of sexuality. If we encourage our toddlers to feel pride and delight in their bodies, they will be less likely to tolerate inappropriate touching. If we provide accurate, non-judgemental information to our preteens about their maturing bodies, they will better understand the confusing and overwhelming emotions that accompany the physical changes of adolescence. They will have learned that adults tell the truth and provide protection, and thus will turn to their elders for guidance through the turbulence of sexual awakening. Armed with knowledge about the workings of their bodies and faith in their parents’ good intentions, they are better able to weigh Nature’s urgent invitations against the potential consequences.

One of the problems with consequence-only information is that teens soon realize how good sex feels. If they have been warned about the “badness” of sex, they feel duped when they discover the delights of arousal,
inclusion, and intimacy. It is especially now that they need education about the rapturous and bonding emotional aspects of sexuality. Without this knowledge, they are left hormone-driven and bereft of social skills, believing that sex equals intercourse. By telling them “no” rather than “how”, we deny them the very information they need to explore their bodies and their awkward interpersonal relationships in a safer manner. They need to know about caressing and kissing and fondling. We owe them information about how to negotiate, how to judge the difference between what we want and what we need, how to establish and maintain respectful, enduring relationships. We need to be expansive in teaching our children about sex so
that they are prepared to meet challenges and opportunities with a strong sense of self and respect for others.

This is, surely, a tall order. We must first address our own ignorance, bashfulness, and shame about sexuality. It would be helpful, too, if we were part of an enriched and enriching union (and society!) that supports respect, intimacy, and honest communication. And of course we must learn to establish the kind of truthful relationship with our children that fosters dialogue. Utopian? Not at all. Difficult? You bet. Worthwhile? Indeed.

© 2001. Pega Ren, Ed.D. All Rights Reserved.